Confused about how I handled this?

[Larmoyant]

I'm actually on the detaching board as I ended it, but he contacted me and at first I thought he wanted to talk, but it deteriorated badly and it seems that what he wanted was to offload some negativity onto me.

I'm afraid I've might have made everything worse. This is the conversation. Can anyone advise me? Did I make things worse?

This is my post:

My ex made contact last night. At first I thought that he was missing me and maybe, just maybe, wanted to talk. However, it’s become increasingly clear that what he wants is to offload onto me and make me suffer. I am a narcissist, a cheat, a liar who lacks integrity, all confirmed by others apparently, my therapist is a nut job, a snake, I’m unsupportive and to blame for everything. On and on. Same old. Some of it was delusional and I posted about it last night and it has carried over to this morning (if interested https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295502.0).

He’s now gone completely off his tree.

These are the last few messages because I’ve now turned my phone off. I have a sick feeling in my stomach, my heart is racing and it’s my own stupid fault.

Him: “You didn’t love me. No one who loves someone drops them at the hospital very unwell then finishes with them while they are there. Keeps clandestine relationships with other men and involves them in the relationship. Lies to the person over and over again. Finishes with them every week so that they became an emotional wreck. Insights them with a host of psychological problems. That isn’t love. It’s not love I recognize”.

Me: “If you truly believe all of that please stop contacting me. It’s not who I am at all. None of it. It’s extremely hurtful and damaging”.

Him: “I will stop contacting you but it is true”

Me: “It’s very sad that you feel the need to inflict pain on another human being like this. What does it say about you? Do you feel better now? Offloading some of that negativity? Some of that hatred? I’m not going to reciprocate. Just going to look forward to the future knowing that I am a truly compassionate, wonderful person. I hope you get to feel the same about yourself one day”

Him: “He thinks you are truly evil, I think you’re a narcissist…… that’s normal to you”

Him: “It was the abuse hotline J put me in touch with checking I’m alright when it was the man you were keeping in touch with and lying to me about”.

He’s completely lost the plot. He’s taken parts of our previous past (ages, months/year ago) conversations and twisted them!

I don’t understand this at all.

To protect myself I’ve turned the phone off. Now to calm down. WTH!

Did I handle this badly?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY

Larmoyant   

Don't beat yourself up.  When you are painted black, you are generally in a no-win situation. There is no advantage to try and defend yourself or change their prospective.  Clear the FOG and forge ahead.  Tomorrow is an opportunity to put this behind you and more forward.  You have no power to change him, only the way you interact and react.  ☆(❁‿❁)☆

[Larmoyant]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler, I’m just getting my head around the concept of being painted black. Is painting black their desire to view you as a horrible person? Why? Why black then white? Is he likely to view me white again? What makes him change back and forth?

[SingOn]

These are the last few messages because I’ve now turned my phone off. I have a sick feeling in my stomach, my heart is racing and it’s my own stupid fault.

Him: “You didn’t love me. No one who loves someone drops them at the hospital very unwell then finishes with them while they are there. Keeps clandestine relationships with other men and involves them in the relationship. Lies to the person over and over again. Finishes with them every week so that they became an emotional wreck. Insights them with a host of psychological problems. That isn’t love. It’s not love I recognize”.

Me: “If you truly believe all of that please stop contacting me. It’s not who I am at all. None of it. It’s extremely hurtful and damaging”.

Him: “I will stop contacting you but it is true”

Me: “It’s very sad that you feel the need to inflict pain on another human being like this. What does it say about you? Do you feel better now? Offloading some of that negativity? Some of that hatred? I’m not going to reciprocate. Just going to look forward to the future knowing that I am a truly compassionate, wonderful person. I hope you get to feel the same about yourself one day”

Him: “He thinks you are truly evil, I think you’re a narcissist…… that’s normal to you”

Him: “It was the abuse hotline J put me in touch with checking I’m alright when it was the man you were keeping in touch with and lying to me about”.

He’s completely lost the plot. He’s taken parts of our previous past (ages, months/year ago) conversations and twisted them!

This is so hard! I've experienced these same types of conversations so often, and also have doubted my reactions. I've come to realize that, as NN said, it's a no-win situation. They are simply not going to hear your (very valid) defenses, and it can lead to endless arguing. But sometimes it helps ME to say my truth out loud. I honor myself that way. I don't keep hammering it home - I just say some things I need to say then end the conversation, just as you did. 

[Cat Familiar]

They tend to think in polarities, so you can be seen as either all good or all bad. It's terribly unpleasant to be painted black, but it might help somewhat to know that they do that to themselves too.

Switching back to being painted white can be a mystery, and who knows why they do that. Maybe they need something from you? Maybe they remember that they actually like you at times?

It's only human nature to want to defend yourself from spurious allegations and unkind assumptions. However, with a pwBPD, that just adds fuel to their fire and certainty in their mind that these horrible things are indeed true!