What to do with this email?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Background: after 7 years long distance, SS and BM (uBPD) are now in our area and care is 50/50. SS12 has educational issues, and during a conversation with a head teacher, she suggested that maybe he should see the counsellor. It was about memory problems. I said we would send something through and she could go from there. She jumped the gun, and counsellor saw SS this week (BM's week). BM didn't find out about until SS was on phone to us. Short while later we received two emails. One demanding that we include her in on all correspondence with school. We had already sent an email to counsellors, and replied to his response.

Yesterday we received another email from counsellor, this one we were cc'd into his response to BM who was using a different email address. So we responded to the counsellor, and used the usual email address as well as the one she has used with the school. Today we have received an email from her 'school use' email saying "please don't use this email address". Okay, I get that she may be a bit ticked because we pointed out to the counsellor that she did not include us in on her email to him, but expects us to include her in on our emails to him.

Not too sure how to respond to her request now. This shows how she treats us, and I really feel like forwarding the email to the counsellor, pointing out that she has asked us not to use her alternate email, and apologising for putting him in the middle. Please note that we pay ALL the fees, and she pays nothing.

Suggestions anyone?

[Catsmother]

Background: after 7 years long distance, SS and BM (uBPD) are now in our area and care is 50/50. SS12 has educational issues, and during a conversation with a head teacher, she suggested that maybe he should see the counsellor. It was about memory problems. I said we would send something through and she could go from there. She jumped the gun, and counsellor saw SS this week (BM's week). BM didn't find out about until SS was on phone to us. Short while later we received two emails. One demanding that we include her in on all correspondence with school. We had already sent an email to counsellors, and replied to his response.

Yesterday we received another email from counsellor, this one we were cc'd into his response to BM who was using a different email address. So we responded to the counsellor, and used the usual email address as well as the one she has used with the school. Today we have received an email from her 'school use' email saying "please don't use this email address". Okay, I get that she may be a bit ticked because we pointed out to the counsellor that she did not include us in on her email to him, but expects us to include her in on our emails to him.

Not too sure how to respond to her request now. This shows how she treats us, and I really feel like forwarding the email to the counsellor, pointing out that she has asked us not to use her alternate email, and apologising for putting him in the middle. Please note that we pay ALL the fees, and she pays nothing.

Suggestions anyone?

[Turkish]

Is there a legal requirement here?  Probably not.  It might be time to be firm. 

"We will be happy to cc your me email address on further correspondence with the counselor.  We expect the same courtesy." If she violates it,  then go separately.

There is good triangulation,  and there is bad. If she argues , You could pull the counselor into this. 

"The counselor will be notified of this new agreement so we can all be on the same page for what's best for S12."

[Catsmother]

Hi Turkish, no, there is no legal requirement to include either parent in emails to the school.

We ended up responding with:

Hi BM

This is the email address you used for the school. If you want us to include you in communication with the school, then please let us know which email address to use.

It’s easier if we are all using the one email address for you for communication purposes, as it keeps everything together.

Regards

DH and Catsmother

Her response, from the usual email was, not a reply email but a stand alone one, without a subject line, and no greeting which is not unusual:

This is the only email account you need to contact me on and use for correspondence about SS and school. 

Then half an hour later we were cc'd into this one to the counsellor with the subject line  - from BM - Updated email address for future correspondence:

Hi Counsellor,

I just wanted to update you with my email address for correspondence with yourself and the school.

Thank you,

BM

Given that it was 30 minutes later, we suspect that she sent an email to the counsellor in the interim from her other email address. Just so sick of these games.

[david]

On a positive note, if the counselor is any good then it will become obvious that uBPD is the cause of any problems.

I have found that my ex helps a lot by her actions and behaviors. The trick for me was to stay as distanced as possible and let her do her thing. We had a co parent counselor court ordered for at least ten months. I thought that nothing positive would come of it but I still attended. After only three meetings the counselor realized ex had some kind of issue and offered to end the meetings. I questioned him about that since it was court ordered. He said he would write a letter to the judge explaining the futility. Saved me time and money.

[livednlearned]

Hi Catsmother,

I'm sorry you're getting drawn into these dramas. It's not easy being a stepparent, it's not easy having a child with ed issues, and it's def not easy to have be in a relationship to a man whose ex is BPD.

Biomom's emotional dysregulations make it hard for her to stay cognitively on point. She will struggle to problem-solve, and at the same time, she will feel shame when she can't pull herself together. Shame sends her into an emotional vortex that trigger bad coping behaviors.

Having done this the wrong way, I recommend figuring out how you want to feel and put as much effort into cultivating that feeling as you possibly can.

People with BPD have very poor interpersonal skills and it's easy for them to pull us down to their level. What we need, what they need, is for us to elevate their skill level to ours. It's hard to do, and it's also possible. If your goal is to feel helpful, there are ways to do that, and those ways might be different than hands-on help with SS.

It sounds to me like she is threatened and is trying to regain a feeling of control. PwBPD regulate their emotions externally so grasping for control is a way to help calm herself. Unfortunately, her methods are often dysfunctional and can be triggering to us, then our own emotions are in play and things escalate.

I live with SD19 who is likely BPD and I get triggered when she hugs her dad. Granted, these are long hugs dozens of times a day. Who knew it was possible to hug so much? I spent the better part of the past six weeks blowing up emotionally over these hugs, not to mention time spent in therapy visits, couples counseling, lost hours of work because my emotions were on tilt. Over what? Hugs. 

Then I realized I can just walk out of the room and excuse myself. When I'm at emotional baseline I talk to S) and we problem solve together. And then I take care of myself by doing one of three things that help me stay centered, all of them are things I have control over, no need for anyone to comply. I spent a lot of time gnashing my teeth about the hugs among other things, and my ex was BPD, plus I have a BPD brother and narcissistic dad. I had to actually go through a grieving process about having yet another person with BPD in my life.

Me, I would back out of the emotional chain with the counselor and let dad and mom deal with the education stuff. You're probably better at it than they are   and have lots of stuff to share with the counselor that could really help. You're also in this for the long haul and this latest email skirmish is just the tip of the iceberg. The drama triangles in these relationships are intense and triangles always win.

The spot right outside the triangle is the best place to be. Close enough to coach, far enough to keep your sense of humor.

[Catsmother]

 I will get back to this with a more detailed response. But suffice to say, counsellor wanted all four parents there. We all went. I did interact with counsellor, probably more than any of the others. Also had opportunity to speak with counsellor a few days later, and he welcomed my individual input. Even to the point of asking about my background, given the questions I asked.

To me, the person who this is helping the most is SS. He is the important one in all this, and if I can find out ways to help him when he is with us, then it is a win for him.

[Catsmother]

We ended up having another session for SS comprising of further testing. We had offered a date for possible testing, and then UBPDm sent an email as well (from her and her partner) saying that she (used I throughout) was able to take SS for testing for the whole week. Counsellor opted for our day. Testing was done, and counsellor is suggesting more testing. We got home from testing (me, DH and SS) only to receive another email from UBPDm (and her partner) asking when the next lot of testing was. Oh dear, the counsellor had not told her (and neither had we). Again she used I throughout her email. Further responses from her were only from herself. Lol. Please note that the partner is only home roughly one week out of four, and sees SS for a total of two or three days out of 28. Yes, he is heavily involved, not.

This is what UBPDm said in one of her responses "I think it would be best that if either one of has not been cc'd into an email, that it  should forward on so that I am also aware of when appointments are being made for SS, or information is being shared so that I am kept up to date so that I can know how to best support SS."

All this from a woman who did not want court orders to say that both parents would copy each other into emails from the educators. And English is her one and only language.

It also turns out that the counsellor told her, that if she didn't want to be in the same room as DH during the appointments, then she would be better off finding a private psychologist. She certainly did not share that piece of information with us. Oh well. Glad its not me doing mediation with her. Poor DH.