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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Waffling  (Read 374 times)
NoMas

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: June 25, 2016, 12:27:47 PM »

So I spent years in therapy only to realize that my mother is BPD.

I went NC with her 3 years ago and that has been the best thing ever in my life.

In the meantime, I have been married 6 years and have come to realize that my husband is either a narcissist or is also BPD. I can't get him into counseling, so who knows. He has unveiled many behaviors since or wedding day that are highly reminiscent of my mother's. Gaslighting, scapegoating, projection, etc... I have reached the point where I'm done trying to talk to him, trying to work things out, and I think I need to start prepping an exit strategy. I've tried really hard for the past 6 years to help him recognize these behaviors, and how toxic they are, but all he wants to do in response is to point out all my flaws and accuse me of behaving the way he does, or accuses me of "making" him that way.

Every time I try to talk to him about things that upset me, he thinks he can "hush" me with a kiss. If I reject the kiss (because I'm frustrated because I was trying to tell him something) then I'm being mean to him. If I tell him that every time he tries to hush me with a kiss it makes me feel disrespected then he flips it on me and says that it hurts his feelings that I reject his kiss and disrespects HIM. If we disagree about something he goes into an hour long monologue. If I try to get a word in edge-wise he accuses me of interrupting him. If I point out that he goes on for an HOUR then he says I should respect his feelings. Then, when he asks me to respond to his monologue, he will insist that I give "yes" or "no" answers only- that anything more than that is not necessary.

If I tell him about something that happened to me during my day he will yell at me and say, "Why didn't you tell me about that?" And I'll say, "I'm telling you NOW." And he will accuse me of putting it off on purpose (the event could have happened 4 hours ago and he just now got home from work and this is the first chance I've had to talk to him).

When he is home from work he insists that everything I do revolve around him because he doesn't see me all day and I can do what I want on my own time. But he never lets me have the car and controls all the money. If I accuse him of controlling the car and the money he always has an excuse about how he WANTS me to do what I want with the car and the money but there is always a reason why he can't (the car needs a new tire and is dangerous, we are short on money this week). But then he'll drive all over in the car and spend whatever he wants on whatever he wants. If I want to buy household necessities I have to justify it to him. If he wants to buy a 12 pack of beer I'm supposed to accept it.

Every time I am ill or injured he has to be more ill or worse injured. If I am sick then it is an infraction on his quality of life.

Every time I want to spend time with a friend he has some reason why it isn't a good time. I can never make plans because his deep need to be in control dictates that no matter how careful my planning, he will always find a way to say no.

If he does something horrible to me he will deny it or blame it on me somehow.

I used to be a very strong, independent woman, who took no guff from anyone. Now I feel trapped with a man who repulses me and treats me like crap (all the while he is insisting he keeps me on a pedestal) and I just want out. All the things he originally said he loved about me are things he now constantly complains about. He HATES my independence. He HATES my opinions. He HATES my beliefs. He HATES my strength. He will boast about these qualities to others, then (in private) tell me how these same qualities make it impossible to live with me. And all the time he is dominating our relationship, calling all the shots, and telling me how I'm SUPPOSED to be and what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing for him. He tells me if I just stop being me and start thinking more about "us" then we'll have a good relationship.

I understand compromise. I understand team work in relationships. But I don't feel like he wants "us". I feel like he is trying to systematically erase me.

I am not currently in a position where I can support myself economically and must bide my time while I figure out how to leave. But I realized yesterday that I HAVE to leave. We have been arguing so much lately and every argument ends up with him demanding I apologize to him for hurting his feelings. And I realized, after last night's argument, that his "hurt feelings" are always due to me setting up a fair boundary. (For example- when I'm trying to talk to him about something important to me he will start groping me, or try to hush me with a kiss. I have told him repeatedly for the past week to NOT do that as it makes me feel disrespected. He did it again last night and I stepped away from him and said, "I TOLD you not to do that when I'm trying to talk!" And he went into this hour long monologue about how much he loves me and he just wants me to know it and how dare I refuse his affection and it makes him feel like I don't desire him anymore and my being on my high horse about respect hurts HIS feelings and how he isn't going to stop on this subject until I admit I hurt him too by rejecting his sexual advances while I'm trying to talk to him.   )

I need to get out of this relationship!
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Vulpes

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together for the last six months.
Posts: 6


« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2016, 03:51:03 PM »

So, first things first...

Do you in any way have any legal or otherwise leverage on him? Do you partially or fully have a stake in your home and expenses? If so, try and round up all the possible paperwork or other statements when he isn't around and put them somewhere safe. Somewhere or with someone else he'd never think to check. The thing with possible narcissists is that they think things through thoroughly. I learned this well from experiences with my parents and spouses. Everything you're now thinking of, they're unfortunately way ahead of you, and if they're not, that's extremely rare.

I hate the idea of saying these things and making you more cautious and nervous than you already are, but make sure to delete your search history and use a private tab on your browser. Most browser privacy settings are on the right in the upper hand of your browser, just in case you are unaware. If you have a separate bank account, start slowly making deposits into your savings. If not, I'm sure most banks would understand your situation and make you an account. If not, there is always online services available like PayPal. If there's someone you can start coordinating plans with, please seek them out in case it all gets messier before your plans are fully established. Your safety here is the number one priority. If you feel like you have time to get your bearings together, great, but if not, don't drag it out because to be honest, he sounds like a ticking time bomb. The forced kissing is a big trigger of mine and if he's not taking your word for it and respecting your boundaries, I'm worried about how that can escalate.

Again, none of what I've said it meant to alarm you, but men like that tend to nosedive and blow their cool completely after awhile. I know we're strangers on here, but your story hits home with me a good bit. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to reply here or in private message. I'm of limited income and all, but I'll help and listen as much as I can.
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NoMas

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2016, 04:36:10 PM »

Vulpes,

Thank you for the prompt response. I really appreciate it.

I have no legal leverage over him right now. He has destroyed my credit and coerced me to take out a loan on my car which I cannot afford to pay back on my own (and the car is falling apart and he is NOT fixing it, as promised). I can't get another job because we share a car (MY car) and he needs it for his job and is insanely impossible about compromising on the car so that I can get a second job. Every time I've had a second job (in the past 3 years) he would complain about the annoyance of sharing the car and his having to do anything inconvenient to drop me off or pick me up from work. I have my own business and work from home, but it doesn't currently generate enough profit for me to be financially independent. I DO have a private paypal account into which I've started squirreling away money. He has this insane habit of insisting that we are constantly broke (we are) except he splurges on groceries and booze whenever he wants but I get in trouble if I want lotion or new clothes (and I'm not talking about "fun" clothes- I'm talking "I only own one pair of jeans and they are 5 years old and falling apart". So I started having my clients pay me via paypal so I can afford basic necessities for myself.

I have become a shell of a woman. I don't bother to bathe, dress, wear makeup, etc anymore because why bother- I never leave the home. He thinks it's a treat to take me to the grocery store across the street with him and makes a big deal of it. Before I met him, I was upper middle class, very sociable, always on the go, always having fun. Now I am stuck in my house and don't do anything. I have no hobbies, no interests, etc. I love gardening but he insists we cannot afford what I need to do it, so I can't even garden. Whenever I suggest coloring my hair or buying make up he insists I don't need it, that I'm pretty just as I am. Except I don't believe him. I KNOW I'm pretty but I think he just doesn't want to spend the $ on it. He knew the kind of woman I was when I met him but now he expects me to put up with being stuck in this house 24-7 (because it's "not his fault we are poor". He has lately tried to find me friends (because all my friends live far away) and I told him I don't even want friends. I tried that. It was embarrassing not being able to do things with them because I was too poor to pay for my own dinner out, or a movie ticket, or wearing old scraggly clothes, etc. Also, he embarrasses me in front of my friends. He is a braggart and tries to dominate social events.

And today I feel ultimately stupid. I bought summer sandals because I've been wearing flip flops for 3 years now and decided I deserve some decent SHOES for summer wear. So I bought a pair of practical sandals for $30. I paid for them with my paypal account. Now it dawns on me- how can I ever wear them without him noticing I bought sandals!

The worst of it all is that he twists everything around to make it sound like he's doing his best for me (he does work 40-50 hours per week but most of his $ goes to child support to his first wife). He insists he'd give me the world if he could afford it. But he also uses these same financial obstacles as an excuse to control me and keep me a prisoner in this house. He lied about his finances when I married him and I should have known better. There were so many warning signs but I was naive. I urge anyone who is dating someone who gives them even a HINT of doubt about their finances... .RUN. This man has sucked my own finances dry and left me with nothing. I am a prisoner in my own home with $10 flip flops and 5 year old pants who hasn't showered in 3 days or had a haircut in 2 years because why bother- who's going to see me?

Oh, and he points out that he's worried about me because my lack of hygiene is a sign of depression. Lately there has been suggestion of my "mental instability". Yeah, I'm depressed... .just not the way he thinks I am.

So I guess I'll take your advice: keep squirreling $ away in the paypal account. Get all my legal/financial documents together and put in a safe space. Alert my friends to an impending move on my part and the need to crash with someone for a few months while I get back on track. I'm already so exhausted.
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Vulpes

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together for the last six months.
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2016, 05:08:43 PM »

  Oh, hun. My heart breaks reading all of this. I've been where you are. Not exactly the same details, but close enough so I know where you're coming from.

If my responses are a bit jumpy, I have sequencing orders so try and bear with me.

Try and find a friend that knows the details of your arrangement and is as stable as you can get. Make sure he doesn't know where they live or their contact information. In most impending break ups with a narcissist, they'll try to get you back no matter the lengths they need to go through to do so, so your complete privacy is a must first and foremost. Once the sandals are covered for, start paying for a cheap burner phone (doesn't need to be super pricey, alot of places offer cheap little flip phones that range for 30-60 a month depending on your selected plan.) and maybe have it sent to your friends or somewhere safe that you can keep it. On the topic of the sandals, do you have a friend that may owe you a favor? A client? Maybe even a family member? Collaborate with them on a story involving the sandals and mentally memorize it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I've had do it in the past. I'd try and talk to myself and mimic what I knew the conversation would be with an ex. Most of the time, it worked just fine. If it starts falling apart as an excuse, quickly turn the topic to him. I hate offering that as advice because I can tell that you're completely turned off by him, but that normally does the trick since narcissists are, go figure, all about themselves. They love compliments, no matter who it is or what angle it could be from. Whatever physical insecurity he has, put a nice light on it. That'll buy you some time if you need it.

On the subject of hygiene and self care, take small steps if you're comfortable with it. Run a warm bath, lock the door, play some soothing or uplifting music. Maybe go back to a better time in your life and find a song that has always cleared your mind and sing or hum along to it. For that short amount of time, you're alone and focusing on yourself. It's your personal time. I hate sounding pushy or preachy, but you're not being properly appreciated or loved in this relationship, so you need to start pampering and learning to love yourself while you're in this transitioning period. If you don't start taking those small steps and loving yourself now, when you're finally away from him, you'll be more at a loss. You won't be doing it for him, you'll be doing it for yourself. You deserve all that good energy and you deserve to feel wonderful and beautiful, even if it's for those few moments of bliss.

With hobbies, I know I'm sort of fluid about it,so with that in mind: Is there anything else that you were interested in? Maybe learning another language, reading or crafting? Alot of crafting stores have online sites that'll deliver and have deals, if so. There's readings of certain books and etc on youtube as well, for free or a small fee if you'd like that and would keep your mind busy. I'd say adopt a small animal, but you'd have to completely sign off for it and I think there'd probably be a few roadblocks with that as well.

And I want you to know that it's okay to feel depressed. It's okay to cry about all of this and mourn what this was and could have been for you. I'm so sorry it couldn't have been better for you. You sound like a very strong woman and you deserve a strong man by your side. But it's also okay to give yourself some space and rest. You're going through a very exhausting process and it takes alot of breakage to reach the point you're at. So when you can, be good to yourself. He's had his time in the sun, you've done everything to deserve that and more.

Also, I just wanted to say that I'm not sure how the legal system is where you are, but in my state, divorce lawyers can bleed you dry, so shop around while you can and have the place to yourself. Most public defenders here (Basically pro-bono lawyers) will sympathize with your case and either offer to take it up, or give you information and referrals. I know you can't really visit anywhere since you're there, but most courthouses have numbers online and will try and answer your questions as best as they can. The future is going to be scary and rough, but you're extremely brave for preparing for it and knowing when it's time to leave for your own well-being. I hope this all works out for you  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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