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Author Topic: How to have my own time (husband) without making her feel abandoned? BPD  (Read 422 times)
Horus

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: June 25, 2016, 03:25:09 PM »

About 4 months ago my wife and I just found out that she has BPD, I must admit that at first I didn't believe it but I was not a big fan of mental disorders in general anyways and just had the mind set that it was a way to cop out of dealing with your own issues. Once I looked into it and did the proper research I could not deny that we were dealing with this issue. Everything fit... .So now I am at the point with my wife of how do i bring to her attention the BPD symptoms when we are going through it without me looking like I'm taking advantage of her situation. The other main thing is how do I get my own space without her feeling abandoned or bored,lonely,I'm cheating, incontent ... .?  Any advice... .?
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lbjnltx
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
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« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2016, 06:21:19 PM »

It is helpful to make plans in advance... .and not too far in advance, let her know your plans... .w/who, where, how long you will be gone/what time you will be home.  Remind her the day before and remind her the morning of.  Also, ask her what she has planned while you are doing your thing.  If she is severely anxious you might text her to check in w/her... .tell her you will be leaving to come home in ___minutes.  Whatever you do... .don't be late getting home.

If she calls you repeatedly while you are doing your thing, answer once, reassure her that you are doing what you said you would do, with whom, and where you said you were going.  If it is a restaurant offer to bring her back something... .like a nice dessert.  If you are at a sporting event bring her a small souvenir.  If you are traveling for business, bring her something from that city.  Reassurance, keeping promises, staying in loose contact all add up over time to less anxiety and concern on her part and more freedom and less concern on your part.

It may take time and she may push back so start slow and small.  Build on success!

lbj
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an0ught
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2016, 05:39:31 AM »

Hi Horus,

adding to lbjnltx comments:
 - Make some limited alone time of you a habit. Habits once established are less triggering.
 - Accept that she will feel abandoned, cheated on etc... Be prepared to validate all this negative nonsense or at least be prepared not to get sucked into invalidating it by saying "No I don't cheat on you." (saying that is not a  good idea)
 - Be prepared to go through some extinction burst - unnecessary calls etc. when you get started. Stay your course and maybe get some backing here on the board.

The first boundaries are hard but are totally worth it.
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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2016, 08:23:09 AM »

You got great advice on building trust with your wife over time as you take your separate time.

So now I am at the point with my wife of how do i bring to her attention the BPD symptoms when we are going through it without me looking like I'm taking advantage of her situation.

My suggestion is don't bring BPD or symptoms to her attention. (Especially BPD. Many members have told a partner that they thought the partner had BPD, and good outcomes seem rare.)

Instead, focus on her behavior. When she behaves badly [driven by the BPD], deal with that.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself from the consequences of the behavior. Be consistent. She will fight/resist most likely, but will adjust, and everything will go better.

In addition, really try to understand if anything you do or say is invalidating, and try to eliminate that. The "good" thing here is that BPD makes your wife incredibly sensitive to it, and you will start to notice her (upset) reaction, which is often a cue that you just invalidated her.
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BestVersionOfMe
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« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2016, 10:41:21 AM »

About 4 months ago my wife and I just found out that she has BPD, I must admit that at first I didn't believe it but I was not a big fan of mental disorders in general anyways and just had the mind set that it was a way to cop out of dealing with your own issues. Once I looked into it and did the proper research I could not deny that we were dealing with this issue. Everything fit... .So now I am at the point with my wife of how do i bring to her attention the BPD symptoms when we are going through it without me looking like I'm taking advantage of her situation. The other main thing is how do I get my own space without her feeling abandoned or bored,lonely,I'm cheating, incontent ... .?  Any advice... .?

I am a huge believer in removing any and all terminology about BPD entirely.  Referring to "the disorder" during a exchange with her will likely make her feel that she is bad.  She doesn't have a strong sense of self, so referencing the disorder might make her react strongly.  Work on your side of the relationship  such as validation, non-reactivity, etc.  As far as getting out without her feeling abandoned, I think just slow down before you leave.  Take the time to take a selfie of you sipping a cup of coffee by yourself, or perhaps take the extra time to send her a text that is about a thought that involves just the two of you or what ideas you had to spend time with each other when you get back.  Anticipate the insecurities and try to address the feelings before they occur to take the edge off.
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