How to balance push/pull?

[Jessica84]

For the last few weeks my uBPDbf started calling more - a LOT more - up to 12 times a day, 5 times a night, plus texts. His usual is twice a day so this seemed needy for him. Then last few days, he starts "joking" about breaking up. Then today he starts picking fights, finding fault in everything I say, or twisting it into something else entirely. I let most of it roll but he kept nitpicking. Made no sense. There was nothing obvious for me to validate.

We started getting ready for bed. I was hoping he might wake in a better mood so I tried to ride it out til morning. But he wouldn't let up. If I tried to sleep, he got mad. If I spoke, he got mad. If I moved my leg 2 inches, he got mad. Plugged in my phone, he got mad. After he got up and stormed off to sleep in another room, I decided to go home. Told him I felt uncomfortable staying, put my shoes on. He calmed down for a bit and asked me to stay, said he wasn't mad, then worked himself into anger again, accusing me of being negative and not supportive enough. I asked him (sincerely) how I can better support him? He refused to look at me or say anything. I could see him brewing. So... .I left.

When I got home, he texts: "Sorry. Whenever we get closer, something in me wants to push away. I don't understand it." ahh  Ok, now it all makes sense. But before I could respond: "If you think I'm stupid, I don't care". ? I responded only with "I'm home safe and going to bed. Nite". Didn't want to escalate things, and luckily, the texts stopped there.

How do I balance the push/pull cycles? When he comes close, am I supposed to push him away first? Was I not supposed to answer when he started calling more? We have a July 4th trip planned for next weekend, and I really don't want to be trapped in a car or hotel with him for 4 days if he's in a push cycle. UGH. I don't know what to do... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jessica84]

More texts from him... ."bad week to get into a fight. I am recalling past trips when things got ugly. I want to go but I don't if it's not gonna be fun. Hope that makes sense and I am not blaming anyone." I respond: "There are times when everything I say annoys you. If that will be the case I don't want to go." Him: "Let's make up today."



I don't know how he expects to "make up". There wasn't a real fight. He was in a sour mood all day and took it out on me for whatever reason. What makes it a "fight" to him is when I leave. I know he hates that. But leaving was right for me. I can usually use the tools to avoid it but nothing worked last night. When everything I say/do irritates him, I can't be around him. I'm really concerned about our trip next weekend. My option to leave will be far more difficult if it flares up again. If this is caused by getting too close, won't a trip amplify that?

[jrharvey]

WOW I know this feeling. I am new here. I have been here so many times. I have been scared to take trips in the past and being trapped in a car not knowing when she will erupt on me for no logical reason. Im sorry this is happening to you. WOW it drives me nuts thinking about it.

[VitaminC]

Yes, drives me nuts thinking about it too!

I was in a cycle with mine, similar to what you describe, shortly before a 4 day trip and stay in a nice hotel. It was hellish. I wanted to leave, or him to leave, I wanted to end it, I wanted it all to be as nice as it COULD be, dammit! We were in a pretty place, with all kinds of charming things to discover, all things I would have enjoyed on my own, nevermind with him. But it was hellish and there was nothing I could do, except go limp.

I could have left, or told him to leave, but I wasn't able psychologically at that point.

You know your person better than we do. Do you have any sense of how long this could last? Probably not, or you wouldn't be here, I guess. Is there any way to talk about this with him? Any way to agree on any simple 'rules' of courtesy, at least that?

I don't know, having had my experiences with my person, I would cancel the trip. But your relationship is yours, even if there are soo many similarities in pwBPD, I suppose (I suppose, I am trying to suppose) that they are still individuals and not all so damaged that their actions and reactions are really comparable.

Sorry I can't say anything more positive. I can imagine how tense you must feel!

[Jessica84]

I hear ya both. They can find a way to be miserable in the middle of paradise! Thanks for the support. Ironically, he thinks I wait until we're out of town when he's captive to unleash my fury on him. Ironic because it's always the other way around. But it's his belief that I have taken him hostage and my diabolical plot is to "ruin" his good time.   Hard to dismantle a faulty belief. Hope we can talk without him getting defensive. Otherwise, I'm backing out of this trip. If I do decide to go I need to figure out an "escape plan" in advance, just in case.

[VitaminC]

They can find a way to be miserable in the middle of paradise!

But it's his belief that I have taken him hostage and my diabolical plot is to "ruin" his good time.   Hard to dismantle a faulty belief.

Hahaha, sorry, I am laughing because I recognise this as so true! But I had to tell you how funny it is.

Hope we can talk without him getting defensive. Otherwise, I'm backing out of this trip. If I do decide to go I need to figure out an "escape plan" in advance, just in case.

That sounds like a plan! If he can recognize how he behaves, maybe there's a way to quash it before it goes too far. 

That's always the hope though, isn't it? That 'they' will have insight into their own behaviour. But if they really did, they wouldn't have BPD.

If I had been prepared for my own trip, maybe I could have dealt with it better. Maybe I would have just taken myself off for the day and enjoyed the place on my own, or told him to cop on or go home. But I was still in the throes of wishful thinking, although increasingly panicked that I was deluding myself about something that would be pretty obvious pretty soon; that I was just not dealing with a normal healthy person that I could actually rely on in any way at all.

Isn't it the boyscouts who have a motto about preparation? Or is the Navy Seals? I don't know, the Buddhist Monks probably do too. Everyone but the lovelorn 'nons'

[Jessica84]

Ok, you made me laugh Vitamin C. I'm no boy scout but I try to be prepared.   I've scheduled an oil change and tire pressure check, printed out directions and hotel confirmations (in case GPS goes haywire or phone dies), packed snacks (to avoid low blood sugar attacks), checked the weather, let him know in advance it "might" rain so he won't be surprised... anything else? Since we're travelling by car, one option would be to get another room if we have a fallout. But that still means riding back together. I can't go to the airport and fly home since we're taking MY car.

Based on recent texts, yes more, I think he's calmed down. But I need to make it clear that if he has any resentment or mixed feelings about me, I will not go and subject myself to it. Even if he thinks it's the other way around. BPD is brutal. Especially when he sees things so twisted!

[jrharvey]

Ok, you made me laugh Vitamin C. I'm no boy scout but I try to be prepared.   I've scheduled an oil change and tire pressure check, printed out directions and hotel confirmations (in case GPS goes haywire or phone dies), packed snacks (to avoid low blood sugar attacks), checked the weather, let him know in advance it "might" rain so he won't be surprised... anything else? Since we're travelling by car, one option would be to get another room if we have a fallout. But that still means riding back together. I can't go to the airport and fly home since we're taking MY car.

Based on recent texts, yes more, I think he's calmed down. But I need to make it clear that if he has any resentment or mixed feelings about me, I will not go and subject myself to it. Even if he thinks it's the other way around. BPD is brutal. Especially when he sees things so twisted!

Ive found that there is no way to avoid or prepare. Even when i am doing everything perfect my GF will get emotional and upset about something that upset her in the past. She can rage at me just thinking about something. There is always a way to ruin a good thing.

[VitaminC]

More texts from him... ."bad week to get into a fight. I am recalling past trips when things got ugly. I want to go but I don't if it's not gonna be fun. Hope that makes sense and I am not blaming anyone."

... .

Wait a sec, I actually meant to come back and say that this part was interesting.

It sounds like you've got the preparation practicalities covered - I'd like to see a blanket in the car, a high visibility vest, a first aid kit, and music that will accomplish whatever goals you have for creating atmosphere.

Now we've to add more to your duties, you hero, and ask you to speculate on his inner life some more. If you want to, if you think it is germane. I am thinking that, that text from him sounds as if he's either got the fear that things won't be easy between you and has no clue at all about how to make sure things are ok. It also smacks of absolving himself in advance for any flip-out. And, I'm sorry, but "I don't if it's not gonna be fun"? Hello? Really? Is he a 4 year old who has to have someone else make things fun for him, or an adult who recognizes that 'fun' is complex and that many factors contribute to something being fun? And that he also has a say in how much 'fun' is going to be had.

Well, we know the answer here, of course.  Arrrgh, it's just so maddening.

Do prepare yourself emotionally, without making yourself miss an opportunity to have the romantic / exciting time you're hoping for.  I know that's easy and no big deal, so that should sort you out and do let us know how you got on.  :P

[Jessica84]

Oooh good things to add to the checklist 

Yes, getting emotionally prepared as well. I'm fine. It's him. And yes, I guess he thinks it's MY job to ensure we have fun. Well, my idea of "fun" is sleeping late, eating good food, exploring new places, and no drama. His is... .?

One text says I'm not being supportive enough - which a paragraph later means not anti-Trump enough ? This one is a trap. Even though I won't vote for him, my bf has called me a "Nazi" in the past if I don't support Hillary. Not touching this one. I won't talk politics with him. The next text it's his stress levels are unusually high. Another that he's worried about his next big birthday... .that's a weird one considering its 8 months away! Another is his mom stressing him out. He's all over the place. Almost like preemptive excuses for him to act badly. I can validate stress and fear of getting old, I guess. But I get the feeling he can't pinpoint what the heck is bothering him exactly. Al I know is that if he has it in his head all of a sudden that I'm an unsupportive Nazi who doesn't care about him, it's really simple. I won't go on this trip with him. That would be a shame. It's paid for and could've been... .fun.

[jrharvey]

I just went on a trip with my GF to the beach. It was a blast. We had a HUGE fight the day before and the day of. The day before we faught because she was accusing me of trying to talk to random girls and checking my phone. I got defensive by calmly saying I wasn't talking to other girls and she had no reason to think that. She raged because I said she had no reason to think that as if I am not validating her feelings. The next day I simply told her I was hurt by her actions and the mean things she said which she immediately got mad and accused me of trying to ruin the trip. We were 6 hours late for the beach trip arguing about the fact I felt hurt by the mean things she said to me and finally I gave up and just left. She eventually said she wanted to go on the trip still and we left and had a fantastic time. It was amazing. Then the next day after we got back she started a fight because I was at home by myself and she swore I was there with some other girl and she wouldn't believe that I was not until about 4 hours of pointless arguing. When she felt insecure I even showed a video proving nobody was here. Even then she said she heard a girls voice which was all made up in her head because there was no TV, no music and no girl. She got very angry because she heard some girls voice and gave me the silent treatment after.

Point of the story. You may have a great time on this trip. I always have a blast on trips with my girlfriend because she is very needy and is very happy i am with her all the time. Not sure about your BF.

[Jessica84]

JR - you can't prove anything, and you don't have to. State it once and let it go. 4 hours of defending yourself is pointless. Besides, the more you do it, the more guilty you look. Upside down world they live in. You didn't convince her of anything and lost 4 hours of your life trying. Next time, try validating her feelings. In her case, jealousy and the fear of losing you to another woman.

Support = I'm sorry to see you upset.

Empathy = It must feel awful to think of me with someone else.

Truth = There's no one else but you. I look forward to spending time with you at the beach.

If needed, circle back to Support and Empathy using your own words.

[Jessica84]

His texts have gone from all the excuses... .to I'll call you in a few... .to I'll call you this afternoon... .to I'll call tonight, probably end of day. What is he working up the courage to call me? Is it really that difficult? He's making this so dramatic. I'm guessing he's now embarrassed or ashamed. He has no good reason for the way he treated me yesterday. I'm sure now that he's calmed down, he can see that. I'll do my best not to shame him. Validate whatever I can. I love him, but I love me too. I'm sorry he suffers like this but hate dealing with his drama.

[VitaminC]

Jeez, Jessica84, where were you a year ago, when I needed you, and didn't even know BPD was a thing.

You're way more together and sensible about things than I am. Stronger too. I've read some of your other posts and you're obviously managing pretty well, all things considered. You know what you want and need.

That's something I'm still figuring out. It's really great to have this site, and all the suffering and generous and confused and knowledgeable and searching and wise people on it.

[Jessica84]

Thanks Vitamin C. I'm grateful for this place. I come here often and read when I can but don't always have time to post. I've read several books on BPD, but I've made all the same mistakes as everyone else here. When I first found this site, we had reached our worst point after one of many painful breakups. I was emotionally spent and nauseous from the rollercoaster ride, he was severely suicidal. I learned I wasn't crazy. Stopped blaming myself. Started showing more compassion toward him.

Validation is key. Its calmed many, many storms! Boundaries are my new best friends now. I tolerate a lot (obviously), but I know where my limits are... .now... .finally. That is soo important. I had to read and re-read the lessons, absorb them into my soul until they were second nature, and practice the tools, not always successfully... .BUT things have come a long way. It has helped other areas of my life as well. I learned that non-BPDs like validation too = better interactions/less confrontation with people in general - at work, socially, family. Non-BPDs also push boundaries = pushing me to set better limits. Improved the quality of my life overall. But that pesky BPD keeps rearing its ugly head... .

[Jessica84]

Update: his latest text -- "Sorry. My mood has gone from bad to worse. Nothing to do with you or anyone else. Just kind of where my head is at. Sorry about that. I need to regroup. We are gonna have a great trip. I am just stressing about a whole bunch of sh*t and I need to relax. Have a good rest of the day. I will call you tomorrow."

What a relief. He seems rational and surprisingly self-aware. No blame, no accusations, and some actual accountability. I love when that happens. Rare, but what a treasure. Now I think he'll call tomorrow -- either with his head hung low OR as if it never happened. Personally, I'm hoping for the latter. I'd rather let it go and move on. No need to make a big issue of it or rub his nose in it.

Maybe this was his toxic dump from stress or anxiety, and now that he's dumped it out of his system, he's ok now. Or maybe he realizes it almost cost him a trip out of town with the one person who validates him on the regular. Or maybe he has no clue what he's doing or why! Anyway, looks like this crisis is averted... .for now. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

Update: his latest text -- "Sorry. My mood has gone from bad to worse. Nothing to do with you or anyone else. Just kind of where my head is at. Sorry about that. I need to regroup. We are gonna have a great trip. I am just stressing about a whole bunch of sh*t and I need to relax. Have a good rest of the day. I will call you tomorrow."

What a relief. He seems rational and surprisingly self-aware. No blame, no accusations, and some actual accountability. I love when that happens. Rare, but what a treasure. Now I think he'll call tomorrow -- either with his head hung low OR as if it never happened. Personally, I'm hoping for the latter. I'd rather let it go and move on. No need to make a big issue of it or rub his nose in it.

Maybe this was his toxic dump from stress or anxiety, and now that he's dumped it out of his system, he's ok now. Or maybe he realizes it almost cost him a trip out of town with the one person who validates him on the regular. Or maybe he has no clue what he's doing or why! Anyway, looks like this crisis is averted... .for now. 

How did you respond to the text?  I'd reward him with a text like that.  Nothing over the top or obvious, but you want to train him in a way when he communicates in honest, positive, and non-projecting ways.

[Meili]

I think that putting on your shoes and leaving was the perfect solution in that situation.

As he told you, he feels that he's getting close and pushes you away. His abandonment fears were triggered so he pushed.

When you walked out, you retriggered his abandonment fears and he tried to pull you back in.

You can see the dynamic unfolding in your initial post.

For the last few weeks my uBPDbf started calling more - a LOT more - up to 12 times a day, 5 times a night, plus texts. His usual is twice a day so this seemed needy for him. Then last few days, he starts "joking" about breaking up. Then today he starts picking fights, finding fault in everything I say, or twisting it into something else entirely. I let most of it roll but he kept nitpicking. Made no sense. There was nothing obvious for me to validate.

He started to get close (the calls and text). He started to get scared and gently pushed (the "joking". He was scared and started to really push (the fights and nitpicking).

It seems to me that consistency and boundaries are key here. Consistency will help any partner, BPD or not, feel secure. Playing guessing games will only add to his confusion. Having and enforcing boundaries will add to the consistency.

Does that make sense?

[BestVersionOfMe]

I think that putting on your shoes and leaving was the perfect solution in that situation.

As he told you, he feels that he's getting close and pushes you away. His abandonment fears were triggered so he pushed.

When you walked out, you retriggered his abandonment fears and he tried to pull you back in.

You can see the dynamic unfolding in your initial post.

For the last few weeks my uBPDbf started calling more - a LOT more - up to 12 times a day, 5 times a night, plus texts. His usual is twice a day so this seemed needy for him. Then last few days, he starts "joking" about breaking up. Then today he starts picking fights, finding fault in everything I say, or twisting it into something else entirely. I let most of it roll but he kept nitpicking. Made no sense. There was nothing obvious for me to validate.

He started to get close (the calls and text). He started to get scared and gently pushed (the "joking". He was scared and started to really push (the fights and nitpicking).

It seems to me that consistency and boundaries are key here. Consistency will help any partner, BPD or not, feel secure. Playing guessing games will only add to his confusion. Having and enforcing boundaries will add to the consistency.

Does that make sense?

Agree on all here.  A disordered person doesn't handle inconsistent boundaries or reactions to their behaviors.  The simple fact that he got to the level of 12 calls a day is a sign that there wasn't enough validation and love.  The abandonment triggers started going haywire and he went to that place.  I asked this of another member about how you handle the paranoid behavior.  Often times we personalize it and whether it through words, or body language, make them feel stupid for feeling paranoid.  Do you do anything like that at times?  If you can identify times that you do that, it is like pouring gas on a fire.  Invalidation is nearly intolerable for those with BPD.

[VitaminC]

How was the trip away?

 

[Jessica84]

Hey Vitamin C-- thanks for asking, the trip was fantastic! He only got moody a few times, but I must've done ok. He extended the trip longer! 4 day trip turned into 10 days! We were having a nice time, but I admit I was worried he couldn't last that long and didn't want to risk staying and pushing our luck. Then I smacked myself and just went with the flow.    Glad I did. Somehow we made it without a single argument. For 10 whole days.   That is truly a FIRST.

[Jessica84]

By the way, thank you for all the good tips and advice on how to handle the trip. BPD and travel can be nightmarish.

Being proactive and prepared made a huge difference. At one point on the road, he climbed into the backseat to sleep. He was so grateful to see a pillow and blanket back there. When he started getting grouchy I casually offered him a snack. When my phone lost service and GPS went down, I pulled out my pre-written directions. When he blasted the AC, I put my sweater on. When he cut his finger, I pulled out a Band-Aid.

I would HIGHLY recommend to anyone traveling with a pwBPD to BE as PREPARED as possible! Try to think ahead of all the many possibilities that could cause a meltdown --- and pack accordingly! I used checklists, organized, packed and re-packed. But then tried not to OCD about any of it once we got going - didn't worry when he tossed my bags of goodies around carelessly, kept conversations light, avoided triggering him and validated often.

To mentally prepare, the night before I actually made up all these weird potential arguments in my head and practiced various responses. Thought of all the things he could say that would really hurt or upset me (I know my triggers), then rehearsed my reactions. So when (as predicted), he started that thing where he deliberately TRIES to upset me, I was the well-rehearsed actress who knew her part. I ignored the words and calmly asked him what's on his mind... .then validated whatever it was... .how anxious he was about money, or he was tired, hungry, frustrated, insecure... .whatever it was, it was hardly about me. Staying calm and not getting drawn in helped a lot. By the end of the trip, he was that sweet adorable man who peeks out from time to time, underneath all that BPD muck.

[VitaminC]

Good for you, J! I'm glad it went so well.  There's a lot to be learnt from your preparations & ways of handling yourself.

It strikes me that you'd make a great mom

[VitaminC]

You were actually in my thoughts all the week 

[Jessica84]

Thanks for thinking of me!  He was in an awful state in the days leading up to the trip, so I'm glad it all worked out. Tough dealing with all the push/pull stuff and staying balanced.

Funny you should mention, I do feel like a mom sometimes... .only my toddler is actually a grown man who either cries or complains all the time or throws tantrums.   Thanks for reminding me to pack a blankie and first aid kit for my little one who needed his nap time and wittle booboos kissed. 

Someone on here once said she would look at her husband as a toddler during his bad moods. I've done that ever since. Made sense in a way. When someone you love screams "I hate you", it hurts. But when it's a 3-year-old you know they don't mean it. Or maybe they do in that moment, but it's only because they feel wounded somehow. Also, like a 3-year-old, they're easily distracted by shiny objects and a little soothing. Anyway, it helped me to see him in that light when his dysregulations come. Not that I patronize him in that state, but to de-personalize the situation for my sake... .after all, kind of hard to be mad or hurt by anything a cute little toddler says or does.

[VitaminC]

Someone on here once said she would look at her husband as a toddler during his bad moods. I've done that ever since. Made sense in a way. When someone you love screams "I hate you", it hurts. But when it's a 3-year-old you know they don't mean it. Or maybe they do in that moment, but it's only because they feel wounded somehow. Also, like a 3-year-old, they're easily distracted by shiny objects and a little soothing. Anyway, it helped me to see him in that light when his dysregulations come. Not that I patronize him in that state, but to de-personalize the situation for my sake... .after all, kind of hard to be mad or hurt by anything a cute little toddler says or does.

What I'm taking from all this for myself is that there we have the best possible outcome of a relationship with someone who has / is BPD. It requires, as has been stated often all over this site, a high degree of emotional maturity, resilience, balance, strength, patience, generosity.

In practical terms this means:
Knowing your own triggers (being highly self-aware), being prepared to handle outbursts that come out of nowhere, keeping expectations to a minimum, listening for the feeling behind the words and actions, remaining calm and reasonable but not expecting the same back (at least not for the most part). In a nutshell.

All of these are wonderful life skills and useful and applicable to almost any relationship - it's just a matter of degree, isn't it?   

I'll come back and read this again, I would say, to remind me of what I CAN do and what I am PREPARED to do. I am sure I CAN do more than I have done in the past, and I am sure I am PREPARED to as well - but I have to think just how much I think is reasonable for me to give and what I am actually getting back for that.

The way I think about it, is that we can say that one's emotions are separate, to some degree, to our identity. And then we can think of something like BPD as a bunch of "muck" that obscures the real person, the one we actually love. I tend to think that we ARE our emotions, and there's plenty of proof that it colours our perception, our logic, and our memory - all the things that make us who we are in the world. 

So if someone has a condition that makes their emotions go haywire then that is also part of who they are as an individual. And if the condition takes up more than a certain % of their identity & the only way we can stay in that relationship is to accept it and visualize a toddler still in diapers angrily shaking their rattle at us - then it takes a certain kind of person to still see something valuable in that relationship. 

It's all a matter of degree, as I said, and everyone, BPD or no, is different.  I'm glad you are managing so well, J, and that it works for you and gives you whatever you want & need from the relationship.

I don't have kids, although I love them and am great with them, but I realised that I personally need someone I think is a grown up most of the time and who gives as much as he takes. I have learned that my own expectations have, in the past, been unrealistic and unfair. I put a lot of pressure on my romantic partners - which is something I don't intend to do anymore.   But I just can't respect someone so incompetent at life, as in the case of my own toddler. And if I don't respect him, I will patronize him and he will feel that, of course, and then we have a situation on our hands.

I'm better out than in for sure. You have given me stuff to think about though, and I really appreciate your cool and and balanced way of working things out.

[Jessica84]

Powerful stuff! Very insightful. I use the toddler visualization as a self-defense mechanism for when he's acting like one, mainly to keep my own emotions from spiraling down with his. I have also struggled with the feelings of wanting more. That's part of the human condition. Our needs and appetites are insatiable. I'm working on not wanting more - as in, practicing more gratitude for what I already have. I certainly don't want less, just not longing for more... .if that makes sense. Others may view this as settling, but I have found it very satisfying, and liberating.

With boundaries I give what I'm willing to give now, as opposed to giving until it hurts. He emptied my cup over the last 7 years, but I've managed to fill it back up - in spite of him! I get my needs met thru friends, family, hobbies, work. Whatever he can give is a bonus, but I don't need it from him the way I used to.

I accept it will never be 50/50, but in my observations, no relationship ever is, BPD or not. I've seen many healthy couples where one tries harder or does more than the other, and sometimes they switch their roles. I still see the love there on both sides, just not always equally, at all times. It's about balance and personal limits. And it's what I feel I have, but with a side order of mental illness. Still, other couples have their share of side issues too, just different-- addictions, infidelities, laziness... .

We're all different and have to walk our own paths. At the end of the day, I feel I get a lot out of this relationship. Using the tools here has tamped down the angst of it to make it worthwhile. We're no longer in screaming matches and going thru constant breakups. Conversations are easier. I'm not walking on eggshells. We got off the rollercoaster, and it feels nice to sit still with him, even if he still squirms sometimes.

[VitaminC]

I accept it will never be 50/50, but in my observations, no relationship ever is, BPD or not. I've seen many healthy couples where one tries harder or does more than the other, and sometimes they switch their roles.

Still, other couples have their share of side issues too, just different-- addictions, infidelities, laziness... .

We're all different and have to walk our own paths. At the end of the day, I feel I get a lot out of this relationship. Using the tools here has tamped down the angst of it to make it worthwhile. We're no longer in screaming matches and going thru constant breakups. Conversations are easier. I'm not walking on eggshells. We got off the rollercoaster, and it feels nice to sit still with him, even if he still squirms sometimes.

Wonderful. You know yourself, you know him, you have observed, read, thought, learned, and applied that learning. You're living with awareness all the time. One can't ask for much more in a partner, in truth.


Want to go out with me ? 

[Jessica84]

LOL! Nope. I'm quite content to be alone if it doesn't work out with him. Besides, I'm not sure I'd even know how to manage a "normal" relationship anymore!

I hope you find what YOU need and want in this life.