Does anyone else begin to act irrationally themselves?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One thing I have noticed myself doing lately (Before I didscovered BPD) is acting irrationally the way my girlfriend has in the past. She has made me believe that my action (A) deserves her reaction (B). She has made it seem like her reaction to my action is totally normal. So when she does the same action (A) I find myself thinking about how she hurt me in the past for something completely normal and acting just the way she did (B) which of course ends very badly. She says I am going crazy and not making sense and acting like a child. When I explain that I acted this way because you made it clear how wrong I was for doing this completely normal thing it made me feel horrible to see you do the same thing. Then she will say something dismissive like "well you can do it so I figured I can too now". She will say "Its ok now, thats what I want". Even though she never actually changed the rule. She made me agree to the rule and then she broke the rule and after she breaks it then its ok. I bet if I "broke the rule" it would go back to not being ok again.

This happens with so many things but it could be anything harmless and innocent. For instance she may freak out because my coworker asked me a work question through text. She flips out and says thats not ok. Then her coworker text back and forth all day and somehow that is ok?

I get angry. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am going crazy myself. Does anyone else start acting the same as the BPD person? I know its not helpful but its hard not to get emotional back at someone so insanely emotional.

[jrharvey]

One thing I have noticed myself doing lately (Before I didscovered BPD) is acting irrationally the way my girlfriend has in the past. She has made me believe that my action (A) deserves her reaction (B). She has made it seem like her reaction to my action is totally normal. So when she does the same action (A) I find myself thinking about how she hurt me in the past for something completely normal and acting just the way she did (B) which of course ends very badly. She says I am going crazy and not making sense and acting like a child. When I explain that I acted this way because you made it clear how wrong I was for doing this completely normal thing it made me feel horrible to see you do the same thing. Then she will say something dismissive like "well you can do it so I figured I can too now". She will say "Its ok now, thats what I want". Even though she never actually changed the rule. She made me agree to the rule and then she broke the rule and after she breaks it then its ok. I bet if I "broke the rule" it would go back to not being ok again.

This happens with so many things but it could be anything harmless and innocent. For instance she may freak out because my coworker asked me a work question through text. She flips out and says thats not ok. Then her coworker text back and forth all day and somehow that is ok?

I get angry. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am going crazy myself. Does anyone else start acting the same as the BPD person? I know its not helpful but its hard not to get emotional back at someone so insanely emotional.

[VitaminC]

One word: Yes.

Another word: Totally.


If we are not aware, of both ourselves and them, at every moment, it is very very easy to be drawn into this kind of rotten behaviour and mixed up thinking. Tit for tat, is one of the things it becomes. Very childish, very pointless, very unkind and unloving most of the time.

If you are recognizing these kinds of patterns in yourself, you're on your way to learning something. It took me a very long time, almost two years (!), to not just see it occasionally but hang on to the memory of seeing it so I could discern a pattern. And once I realised there was a pattern and kind of a descending into ever-worse behaviour, that was when I started to disconnect myself from the relationship.

I don't know if that's too vague. It's the best I can do at the moment because I don't want to remember anything too clearly right now - it's just receded enough that I feel ok most of the time in the last couple of weeks.  But I wanted to let you know that, yep, it's familiar, what you describe.

[Hmcbart]

Jr, you're not alone at all. I learned about BPD while trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  How could I be so selfish, mean, angry, etc etc...

The text thing was also an occurrence with my wife and I.  She used to always ask me who am I texting with if she heard my phone go off.  It was always work because that's all I do. I gave up most meaningful friendships a long time ago to appease her.  So we were driving home one time and her phone went off.  I jokingly said "who are you texting with?" She doesn't work so I just assumed it was her mom or sister.  She got extremely defensive and and told me that I was being rude and that she doesn't ask me who I'm texting with all the time and it's none of my business.  I countered with "yes you do ask me all the time" but she denied it.  It was probably about an hour later and my phone went off.  A text from work, again that's all I do.  She said "who are you... ." and then stopped mid sentence and got quiet.  

I didn't call her on it but that was when I started to realize that I'm not losing my mind.  Shortly after that I started making notes of things from the past that I thought I did wrong or was told by her I did wrong.  What the new rule might have been. During this I began researching what might be wrong with me and learned about BPD.  Then things started to click.

It is still always one sided and the new rules only apply to both of us until she decides to break them then it's "all ok and normal". It's not a battle you can win so it's not worth fighting.  

Reminds me of the movie "WarGames". Them computer finally realize it's an unwinnable game and says "the only safe move is not to play."

The less you play the more control of your own sanity you will keep.  

[Jessica84]

Absolutely YES. Before learning about BPD I was certifiably insane, acting out of character, second-guessing myself, playing into this game of madness. After learning about BPD, I became convinced I had it! I was mirroring him. He projected his traits onto me, I accepted them as part of me.

Here's how I see it: the pwBPD fills up with uncomfortable or painful emotions (think of a time your cup was full, that overwhelming out-of-control feeling inside). We've all had moments like this, but most of us come down at a gradual pace. We work thru our emotions. pwBPD don't have good coping skills to manage this so they create conflict to get it out of them. We're the easiest targets. We naturally defend ourselves, making things worse. They spill this full cup all over us (think hot acid). We are now wearing their emotions, hence acting like them. Dripping with this hot acid, we panic and act crazy, say harsh things. They're now justified in treating us badly (letting them release even more acid inside them until they feel better). Problem is, we're now burning and acidic!

Best way to avoid this is to validate those icky acidic emotions before they bubble to the surface. This allows the acid to cool down. Rinse and repeat, often. If the acid starts to fly anyway, take cover (boundary) - walk away, hang up, go to another room, whatever that boundary looks like to you. This protects you as well as forces them to find healthier ways to release that acid. If they don't, it's still not your problem. My BF simply finds new targets. As long as it's not me. Acid is not my color 

[Hmcbart]

That's a great analogy Jessica. 

Just remember to make sure the coast is clear before coming back or away from your boundary.  I've gotten pulled in before when I thought all was good.  During validation I watched helplessly as the person who was the target of her acid spill switched quickly to me.  I guess I was just a target of opportunity.  my reactions then became the justification of her feelings and actions.  I became evil personified. 

I still suck at validation. I've become very good at seeing the signs before the eruption and creating a safe zone for myself and kids.  Sometimes I have to take one for the team to keep the kids from being targeted but after 20 years, it doesn't burn as much. 

[jrharvey]

Absolutely YES. Before learning about BPD I was certifiably insane, acting out of character, second-guessing myself, playing into this game of madness. After learning about BPD, I became convinced I had it! I was mirroring him. He projected his traits onto me, I accepted them as part of me.

Here's how I see it: the pwBPD fills up with uncomfortable or painful emotions (think of a time your cup was full, that overwhelming out-of-control feeling inside). We've all had moments like this, but most of us come down at a gradual pace. We work thru our emotions. pwBPD don't have good coping skills to manage this so they create conflict to get it out of them. We're the easiest targets. We naturally defend ourselves, making things worse. They spill this full cup all over us (think hot acid). We are now wearing their emotions, hence acting like them. Dripping with this hot acid, we panic and act crazy, say harsh things. They're now justified in treating us badly (letting them release even more acid inside them until they feel better). Problem is, we're now burning and acidic!

Best way to avoid this is to validate those icky acidic emotions before they bubble to the surface. This allows the acid to cool down. Rinse and repeat, often. If the acid starts to fly anyway, take cover (boundary) - walk away, hang up, go to another room, whatever that boundary looks like to you. This protects you as well as forces them to find healthier ways to release that acid. If they don't, it's still not your problem. My BF simply finds new targets. As long as it's not me. Acid is not my color 

This perfectly explains everything. Wow. Ive only known about BPD a few days so I am trying to take in everything I can. Im not sure what to do yet. I've been just barely surviving up until now. I feel relief that its not all her fault but I feel helpless because if it truly is a personality disorder I have to decide whether to live with this pain my whole life or leave someone in desperate need of love. Its a horrible choice. It really sucks knowing that someone truly loves you but their actions are killing you on the inside.

[Jessica84]

What we don't realize in the beginning is how much we contribute to this dysfunctional cycle. We react to bizarre behavior. They push this button, we push that one. Good news is we do have some control of this. They might not, but for every action there's a reaction. Once we learn to change our reactions, theirs also begin to change.

Pre-BPD: BF accuses me of xyz. I tell him he's wrong (invalidating him) - his cup gets fuller. I continue to argue my point until his cup overflows and I'm soaked in acid. Now he's validated. I feel gross.

Post-BPD: BF accuses me of xyz. I say I'm sorry he feels that way, must feel awful, what can we do about it (validating). He's reassured, acid goes back down. Now he's validated. I feel fine.

[jrharvey]

What we don't realize in the beginning is how much we contribute to this dysfunctional cycle. We react to bizarre behavior. They push this button, we push that one. Good news is we do have some control of this. They might not, but for every action there's a reaction. Once we learn to change our reactions, theirs also begin to change.

Pre-BPD: BF accuses me of xyz. I tell him he's wrong (invalidating him) - his cup gets fuller. I continue to argue my point until his cup overflows and I'm soaked in acid. Now he's validated. I feel gross.

Post-BPD: BF accuses me of xyz. I say I'm sorry he feels that way, must feel awful, what can we do about it (validating). He's reassured, acid goes back down. Now he's validated. I feel fine.

Wow. You are amazing. You really know your stuff. I practiced validation before and it worked great for a few hours. The problem was I didnt realize she had BPD and she kept spilling and spilling and overflowing jumping from subject to subject and feeling to feeling. I kept validating her feelings and she felt good about that one feeling but after hours she kept spilling I got frustrated because I also felt her attacking my morals and sense of character. Im not sure if she realizes it but she attacks my character with her accusations and accuses me of being the type of guy that I could have random threesoms with anyone at any time and that just boils my blood.

One thing that I am worried about is that I have been told I am very narcissistic and the more i learn about that the more I agree. She knows exactly what buttons to push to make me explode and when she pushes those I know she does it on purpose. Sometimes I can tell she wants a reaction out of me because she says things she knows make me crazy. Having narcissistic tendencies I get really angry when I feel rejected or get given the silent treatment right after an absurd accusation. I also get very angry with silly insults like "Your ugly" or "Your friends are better looking than you" or "Your a bad boyfriend". She knows I need to be the best at what I do and she pushes those buttons. Im working on how I can get over this.

[Jessica84]

Those are mean things to say. I don't know anyone on the planet who would like to hear such things! You don't have to be a narcissist or sensitive person to get upset about that. Here's the hard part, not taking it personal. Remember: It's designed to get a reaction. And now you know why that reaction is so important to them. They use it to regulate their own emotions. Don't fall for it.

Validate them, but use boundaries to protect yourself. Their endless need for validation can be exhausting. Take space to balance yourself. Give yourself permission to take care of YOU.

Check out this link for more on validation (and not invalidating):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

One more on extinction bursts - the site does a great job explaining it:

https://bpdfamily.org/2010/10/partner-have-borderline-personality.html

[waverider]

pwBPD express their emotions by dramatic reactions. A reaction is opposite to the status quo. Every reaction has a tendency to create a counter reaction. This sets ip a chain reaction of counter reaction to the recounter action. It is the drama process.

It is the drama process that is unresolveable, as the need is for the process, not an end result.

We duck and weave trying prove a point to them by mirroring back what they do to us, but it does no good, as they need to be opposite to keep the process going. We get lost and loose our perspective of our of values, we are dizzy just desperately lashing out, cornered, in the reactionary dance.

pwBPD will never respect someone who allows themselves to be changed by their behavior. This simply demonstrates that you dont have the strength and stability they need. That you are no better than themselves. They dont like themselves, so they see no reason to like you. You are becoming who they dont want to be.

pwBPD live in an unresolved world, they just switch things on and off without really working anything through to a stable regulated resolution. You will never be in sync with them, trying just upsets the equation.