Going back and forth about NC with my mom

[HoneyB33]

So here's my situation:

I've been NC with my mom about one year. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer right before this. I'm not sure how long she has. She told me she has 2 years, she told me she has 15. I just don't know.

The thing is, my mom really doesn't care much for me. Sure, she'd act like she does if other ppl are around, but she really doesn't care about me, or know who I am at all. And I'm trying to figure things out in regards to that, and healing.

The thing is, I feel constantly on edge about being NC with my mom, esp with her being terminal. Idk.

I could say my mom isn't "that bad", but the truth is she did nothing to help me in my life. And she does make me feel guilty about everything. And the obvious indifference is horrible. Idk.

The thing is, I'm just putting myself back on my feet after a horrible break up with a pwBPD, and it's taken me a LOT to even get where I am. I guess I really would like to not talk to my mom. There is a small part of me that wants to feel familiarity, that WOULD be natural to have if I could talk with my mom. But I probably wouldn't have that. I have tried. I've tried building real conversations with her, asking her about herself, anything.

I guess the issue is that I just don't want to try any more. Not because I don't care, but because I do, and get nothing for it. I need to teach myself to have real standards for myself, and it's really hard to do that when my own mother doesn't care if I keep breathing. But that's not to say that she doesn't shove massive guilt onto me when I don't contact her. Idk. I'm torn.

Any thoughts?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI HoneyB33  

I've been NC with my mom about one year. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer right before this. I'm not sure how long she has. She told me she has 2 years, she told me she has 15. I just don't know.

Sorry about your mom's diagnosis.  Are you able to speak with her doctor? Is your dad in the picture?     

Perhaps you can gauge her situation by specific information that you do know about her form of cancer and how she appears?  

I guess the issue is that I just don't want to try any more. Not because I don't care, but because I do, and get nothing for it. I need to teach myself to have real standards for myself, and it's really hard to do that when my own mother doesn't care if I keep breathing. But that's not to say that she doesn't shove massive guilt onto me when I don't contact her. Idk. I'm torn

Pretend your mom has already passed and you went NC before here death, do you think you would feel guilty?  There is no right or wrong answer, but it might be worth some consideration.  One way to approach it would be with RADICAL ACCEPTANCE . and BOUNDARIES

I've tried building real conversations with her, asking her about herself, anything.

Has it always been this way?  Have you tried any of the COMMUNICATIONS  techniques on her? You won't likely change her, but you can deal with how you react and interact.  

Maybe some therapy could help right now?  Sometime the logic to "pay now or pay later", can apply.  What you do't work through now may eat at you after her death.  You are very wise to come to the Coping and Healing board to talk about things.  

Here is a big hug  

[HappyChappy]

Hi HoneyB33,

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this, sorry to hear you mom has cancer, it must be very stressful for you. If it helps I’m in a similar situation, in that I’ve been NC for 3 years and my Dad has cancer. We even rushed to the hospital because our BPD mom said he had days to live, only to find this wasn’t true.



The point about your mom not caring about you, I trust you know isn’t personal. It’s just the lack of empathy a BPD has. Also the fact she did nothing to help you, again, a BPD doesn’t have unconditional love, it’s all conditional. So they only do things to help their kids, if people see it and they get credit point for it. Again not personal. The fact she makes you feel guilty is just manipulation using F.O.G.  or projection.

The thing is, I'm just putting myself back on my feet after a horrible break up with a pwBPD, and it's taken me a LOT to even get where I am. I guess I really would like to not talk to my mom... .I have tried... .I guess the issue is that I just don't want to try any more.

Your recovery is something to be proud off. Having read some of your earlier posts, you do appear to have made progress on your recovery, or at least a better understanding of the things. But it takes time, so if you’re not ready now, you may be latter. And I’m sure you’re beginning to realise, there’s no point re-engaging by the old rules, i.e. falling fowl of F.O.G. and all the rest. We have to re-engage feeling strong enough to hold our boundaries and implement our new learning.



I would be interested in your reasons for going NC, and how well you feel your recover is going. One year isn’t that long to recover from a BPD parent.  But so long as you’re making progress, you’ll get there. Let us know.  

[Fie]

Hello HoneyB33,

I also have very ambivalent feelings towards my mum, and I recognize a lot of what you are saying (although my mum does not have cancer).

I have also tried and retried to get my mum's (and dad's) approval. Somehow nothing was ever good enough. My mum is only friendly when it's all about her, or when she can extract information to later use it against me. My dad has NPD traits. Both of them never really took an active interest, neither in me, nor in my daughter (7). So lately I have  decided to keep the contact that was LC already, very very low and maybe even NC. For me that is the only way to avoid turmoil from my mum, and rumination from my part. It also keeps me from being dissapointed when again at a family meeting I am being ignored/shunned.

After having ended a relationship with an extremely tormented man, I realized both he and my mother were BPD. It has taken me a lot of time to recover from that relationship / to come to terms with the fact that my FOO was one dysfunctional mess. Somehow I never realized that, but the relationship with the BPD person opened my eyes.

So if it is worth anything, I know how it is to seek approval, and not get it. For me, I am at this stage I am realizing I will never get it. For me LLC is a way to deal with that, next to avoiding the turmoil.

[HoneyB33]

Hey, thanks for everyone's replies.

After thinking about it more today, I think I've become a little more clear in my decision.

I'm NC with my mom because basically things in my own life have gotten so intense emotionally, that I have been really struggling to heal. I guess in a way I have always just wanted to walk away and be done, but I have felt obligated to keep trying.

I have tried to have a relationship with my mom. I guess she isn't really that destructive, but I experienced a lot of abuse growing up from my brother. Something she never stopped. I guess it's not exactly about things now, but what I went through when I was younger. And now I feel like I have to hide things or act like they didn't happen to make her feel better about all that I went through.

I guess I just want to get away from everything, because I need to be able to experience what I have been through. And I feel like contact with her just clouds it. And she is generally trying to rewrite history. Which is really hard for me right now when I'm struggling so much to hold onto the truth of things after coming out of some pretty seriously abusive relationships (NPD friend and BPD gf). So it's more about trying to keep my own sanity right now. I just don't want to cater to her. I don't think I have the mental capacity to do so either, even if I wanted to. I want to take care of myself and grow strong for my future. And I guess, basically, I'm like, "This is because of you that I am having to work SO hard to grow and heal right now." I know she has a disorder, I just don't feel like sacrificing myself anymore for it. I need to take care of myself, and I just don't feel like I have anything in me to give.

It's horrible timing because I do feel pity for her. But I also feel like she fills me with her pain. She won't do anything about her own suffering, and instead it's just pushed onto those around her. Idk. I do feel sad for her, but I feel like I just have nothing left to give. It's horrible timing. But I can't do it anymore. That's kind of a roundabout answer HappyChappy, but the best explanation I can give at the time. I guess I want to be NC, but I need to know I'm not wrong for it.

Fie I also too went through a horrible relationship with a pwBPD. It really tore me apart and made me feel absolutely worthless as a person. And I thought I had done so many horrible things. It's taken me a lot to even get my mind back. So in a lot of it, that's why I just want to get away from all of this $hit. I had a "friend" that has NPD a she basically tore apart my entire world. She literally set out to dismantle any friendship or relationship I had in attempts to control me. So after this breakup and figuring some things out, I basically had to cut contact with a LOT of ppl. I finally just left the state. I'm having to rebuild my whole life. And that's kind of why I don't feel like giving ANY of my energy to the person who caused the start of all of this destruction in my life. I know she's ill, but when does it get to be about everything *I* have gone through, what I deserved, rather than how "ill" she is? You know?

And yes Naughty Nibbler, I am in therapy and working on things. Of course. That is why I want to go NC. I'm working my tail off to heal and be whole. That is why I don't want someone in my life pecking holes into me.

[HappyChappy]

I'm NC with my mom because basically things in my own life have gotten so intense emotionally, that I have been really struggling to heal... .I want to take care of myself and grow strong for my future.

Hi HoneyB33

That makes sense. First you must help yourself before you can help others. It sounds like you’ve been bombarded by people with PD, which has got to take it’s toll no wander you need time to heal. I did the same and it took a while to see blue sky again, but the improvement was vast and well worth the wait. This forum really helped me get the information I needed faster, so feel free to share your thought going forwards.

[Fie]

Thank you HoneyB33 for sharing your thoughts ; sometimes it helps to read other people's feelings and thoughts to sort out your own. I see a little more clear for myself now, too   

[HoneyB33]

I'm NC with my mom because basically things in my own life have gotten so intense emotionally, that I have been really struggling to heal... .I want to take care of myself and grow strong for my future.

Hi HoneyB33

That makes sense. First you must help yourself before you can help others. It sounds like you’ve been bombarded by people with PD, which has got to take it’s toll no wander you need time to heal. I did the same and it took a while to see blue sky again, but the improvement was vast and well worth the wait. This forum really helped me get the information I needed faster, so feel free to share your thought going forwards.

Yep it is basically this in a nut shell. My life had literally been consumed with ppl with PD's, and I need to get my sanity back. You said it perfectly. And thank you for the hopefulness about seeing blue sky's eventually.

I'm glad Fie. You remind me to keep writing along with all of my readings, haha. But man isn't it amazing to find people who literally understand what you're talking about? I think I remember reading a post by you a few weeks ago. If I remember correctly you wrote about how you go to see your mom and the family, and she literally completely ignores you? Not sure if I'm right, but if so I remember reading your post when I first got here and thinking about how similar your words were to mine. Your questions and concerns, esp for your child (I don't have kids yet, but every day I am thinking about them, and working to heal so I do not hurt them the way I have been hurt.) I really related with a lot of what you said.

[Fie]

I'm glad Fie. You remind me to keep writing along with all of my readings, haha. But man isn't it amazing to find people who literally understand what you're talking about? I think I remember reading a post by you a few weeks ago. If I remember correctly you wrote about how you go to see your mom and the family, and she literally completely ignores you? Not sure if I'm right, but if so I remember reading your post when I first got here and thinking about how similar your words were to mine. Your questions and concerns, esp for your child (I don't have kids yet, but every day I am thinking about them, and working to heal so I do not hurt them the way I have been hurt.) I really related with a lot of what you said.

Yep, that was me    When I wrote that post, I was feeling very guilty only thinking about not going to family meetings anymore, because  my daughter then cannot meet her cousins. You are absolutely right, this forum is amazing really. The advices I got calmed me down and made my thoughts a little more clear.

I know she's ill, but when does it get to be about everything *I* have gone through, what I deserved, rather than how "ill" she is? You know?

I do understand that you feel guilty towards your mum. I also sometimes feel sorry for mine, also for the hurt little girl she must have been. But BPD is *not* an illness. It's not something that 'overcomes' them from outside. It's  a character distortion. So this means that the disturbance, however severe, can be undone. *If they want*.

[HoneyB33]

Yeah! I totally remember your post.

Thank you for the reminder that this is something they can overcome if they choose to. I feel pretty similar to you that I feel some pity for her, and what she has suffered, but that's exactly what I have tried to "defend" myself with--these are HER choices, and that I shouldn't be subjected to them.