I feel lost and I want things to change

[Eightyeight]

Hello,

First of all,thank you for reading this post and for all threads that have been posted until now. This is a very supportive community and I admire anyone here for their strength.

I have been diagnosed with GAD 5 years ago and I have panic attacks from time to time. I have a father who gets easily angry and who emotionally abuses my mother. Growing in such environment has caused me to be fearful of him and I believe that my panic attacks became my reaction to anyone being angry or upset. I have never really learned any other way of reacting to people being upset, other than having panic attacks, until now that is. So I'm still learning how to understand people's emotions instead of reacting to it. (I do understand the concept of validation, I just need to start putting it in practice)

I've been with my girlfriend for about 3 years and her behaviour sometimes get close to my father's. I'm not sure whether he is someone with BPD but my girlfriend does show all traits of it. During these three years, there were periods of violence and rage, and I always have panic attacks when this happens. I'm often blamed for being selfish, not understanding and causing problems (and it's difficult because I know I didn't make it easy by not showing validation in moments of strong emotions). However, I feel like my self esteem has gone down a lot during these years and it's hard for me to get it back. I read that I shouldn't take anything personally because pwBPD express their thoughts instead of their feelings sometimes, and because they have to let their emotions out. I understand that this is not something that can be controlled, but it really affects me in a negative way and I feel mentally exhausted. In the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend and I would have arguments because she was jealous of someone I've been with before. I felt overwhelmed with her jealousy and I said I wanted to go see my therapist again. I haven't. The reason is that my girlfriend feels like she's not enough and like I turn my back to her if I go see a therapist, like she's not enough to make me feel better. When I agreed not to go, she got upset that I was not "doing what I wanted". To me, this is very contradicting. She doesn't want me to do something, but wants me to do it at the same time? This happens very often and it's not just about seeing a therapist. I've always been an active person  who loves sport, but she gets sad when I express that I want to join a fitness class for example, because she feels like I don't want to spend time with her. During these past three years, most of my days are spent with her. Perhaps I'm the one to blame here, because I've been too fearful of making her upset. I love her and want to make her happy. I don't know how to choose what I want to do anymore because I tend to put her happiness first. I don't even know if it's right to say that I'm controlled or abused when i do have the choices. In my head, everything feels like a confusion.

Something that also feels very heavy on me is that she doesn't have a job and isn't continuing her studies. I try to support her financially because I work (studying at the same time), but I've come to a point where I feel it's too much to handle. I lend her money when she wants to go out with her friends and I tell her she can pay me back when she'll eventually get a job. It's not so much about my money that worries me, but the fact that she is not taking initiatives. Perhaps it's being anxious about getting a job, or some other kind of anxiety. I always tell her that I can help her with anything, either making a resume or finding jobs online. I don't force her to find a job. She gets lectured enough at home and I know she can make her own choices. But it really feels heavy to hear her say things like "i want this, i want that" but seeing she isn't doing anything to get them. She gets bored easily with material things and I feel awful for spoiling her whenever she says she wants something. I feel like i've done things wrong. I don't know how to change it now. Perhaps it's too late. I really want her to be happy, so sometimes I feel it's my duty to buy her things, pay things for her so she doesn't feel sad. Another financial issue that bothers me is that she hasn't paid me back for certain things, and instead she spends more on her things r other people.

I want this relationship to work. I just don't know how. She can't see a therapist since there's the financial issue. And I doubt she knows of her possible disorder. I would really appreciate any feedback, comments, advice.

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[Eightyeight]

I've spent a few hours on here and I realize my co-dependency. I always apologize for everything even if in the beginning I felt i wasn't at fault. It's the blaming and criticizing that makes me feel like I make mistakes.

Would you say that validation is truly the key?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Eightyeight! 

I am glad that you have been visiting our site, that you've been reading, and now have ventured to make your first posts.  It takes courage to do so! This is an awesome site of members who can understand so many of the things you are going through. It helps so much to know you're not alone.

I have a father who gets easily angry and who emotionally abuses my mother. Growing in such environment has caused me to be fearful of him and I believe that my panic attacks became my reaction to anyone being angry or upset. I have never really learned any other way of reacting to people being upset, other than having panic attacks, until now that is. So I'm still learning how to understand people's emotions instead of reacting to it.

I can relate to what you are saying here. My uBPDm was much the same, and I only learned how to react, not respond. Now I am an adult in a difficult relationship with DH who is much like my mom, and it is tough to change the way I react and work more at how I respond. I've found that validation can help, as you've mentioned, but it isn't all that I can work on.

I've had to work at changing my own internal reactions. Here is an example: is it my responsibility when DH gets upset with me about something I do? Let's say he doesn't like the color shirt I am wearing. Is it my fault because I am wearing a red shirt or is it his choice to not like it? What do you think? This one took a long time for me to wrap my head around. I still struggle with it, but I am getting much better.

I'm often blamed... .I feel like my self esteem has gone down a lot during these years and it's hard for me to get it back... .I read that I shouldn't take anything personally because pwBPD express their thoughts instead of their feelings sometimes, and because they have to let their emotions out. I understand that this is not something that can be controlled, but it really affects me in a negative way and I feel mentally exhausted.

I too feel so fatigued most of the time as I work at not accepting the blame. Does your mind go into a fog like mine? You are not alone, and the confusion is tough to walk through and hang tight through the relationship. If you are able to separate what is yours to own and what is her's to own, it will be very helpful, just as it has for me. Are you able to step back and take a look at your situation and think about this? What types of things are yours and what are your girlfriend's in the examples you shared?

Wools

[Eightyeight]

Thank you for your reply, Wools. I really appreciate it. My girlfriend and I talked about certain things when we were both calm and it went fine. But the next day, we were back at it. She was sad for not being able to pay for what she wants and everything started to seem negative from then on. I validated her and said I understand she's sad, but the response I got was a sarcastic "great" along with some complaints. I really don't know what to do. Is letting her calm down and step away the best solution?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Everything you described about the relationship shows quite a bit of codependency so I'd learn all I could about that which in some cases is as bad or worse as having BPD.  It is destructive to a relationship.  You can't change her, you can't change her, you can't change her, say that to yourself over and over again each time you want to spend time deconstructing her behavior rather than focusing on your own destructive behavior. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Eightyeight, 

How are things going this week for you?

It is good that you try to be kind to your girlfriend, and I see that you did your best to try and validate her. However, as BestVersionOfMe reminded you, you cannot change her. It is her job to change herself. So where does that leave you? Do you know what she is really trying to say when she responds with "great" and then complains? I wonder if she is looking for you to fix her or the situation, and perhaps she is unhappy that you are not fixing her problem?

If you step back and take the perspective of being a visitor who happens to be listening in on the conversation, what would you observe is really going on?

Wools