How much longer until she decides to accuse him of abuse?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I write these things for my brother in law, who has no internet access. He has a BPD ex. He has 4 children with her. The oldest no longer sees him (parental alienation for sure) and now the youngest is being worked on too. There is always something more enticing to her than going off with her dad. Occasions where he has insisted they come have turned very ugly and so he doesn't force them to come.

Anyhow...

He was emotionally beaten down for so long that he has a very hard time standing up to his ex, and for a long time after the divorce, he just gave into her to keep things peaceful. It doesn't work, because even giving into everything her way, she still finds ways to belittle him and make his life miserable.

He finally got the courage to have his girlfriend over while he had his kids. This was an ongoing thing. He didn't want to, because he knew it would start something with his ex, and yet he wanted to, because he has been seeing her for a while and he felt it was time.

Well, sure enough, it started something big.

After he dropped the kids off, he started getting threatening texts from their oldest daughters phone ...  "The boys saw you on top of your girlfriend while you had them. Its bad enough that you feel the need to share their time with some girl who is going to be gone in a month, but you are going to have sex with her in front of your kids... " She informed him that she would be informing friend of the court.

This is a completely fabricated lie. It didn't happen. Not that its any of her business, but they haven't had sex at all, let alone in front of the kids.

And I know this is a fabricated lie, because my son was staying with them this weekend and he was there the entire time. She didn't stay over very long. They sat on the couch and watched a movie with her head on his shoulder... That's it.

What the heck?


What is to stop her from fabricating ANYTHING?

And what is a guy with no money to do?

I think eventually he is going to have to take off from his kids in order to protect himself. If he doesn't do exactly what she wants him to do, she makes his life miserable. She is very comfortable bullying him and then playing the victim.

I know that as someone suffering from borderline personality disorder, she IS suffering. I know she is in pain...

But I don't understand how she can do this.

[Emily25069]

I write these things for my brother in law, who has no internet access. He has a BPD ex. He has 4 children with her. The oldest no longer sees him (parental alienation for sure) and now the youngest is being worked on too. There is always something more enticing to her than going off with her dad. Occasions where he has insisted they come have turned very ugly and so he doesn't force them to come.

Anyhow...

He was emotionally beaten down for so long that he has a very hard time standing up to his ex, and for a long time after the divorce, he just gave into her to keep things peaceful. It doesn't work, because even giving into everything her way, she still finds ways to belittle him and make his life miserable.

He finally got the courage to have his girlfriend over while he had his kids. This was an ongoing thing. He didn't want to, because he knew it would start something with his ex, and yet he wanted to, because he has been seeing her for a while and he felt it was time.

Well, sure enough, it started something big.

After he dropped the kids off, he started getting threatening texts from their oldest daughters phone ...  "The boys saw you on top of your girlfriend while you had them. Its bad enough that you feel the need to share their time with some girl who is going to be gone in a month, but you are going to have sex with her in front of your kids... " She informed him that she would be informing friend of the court.

This is a completely fabricated lie. It didn't happen. Not that its any of her business, but they haven't had sex at all, let alone in front of the kids.

And I know this is a fabricated lie, because my son was staying with them this weekend and he was there the entire time. She didn't stay over very long. They sat on the couch and watched a movie with her head on his shoulder... That's it.

What the heck?


What is to stop her from fabricating ANYTHING?

And what is a guy with no money to do?

I think eventually he is going to have to take off from his kids in order to protect himself. If he doesn't do exactly what she wants him to do, she makes his life miserable. She is very comfortable bullying him and then playing the victim.

I know that as someone suffering from borderline personality disorder, she IS suffering. I know she is in pain...

But I don't understand how she can do this.

[ForeverDad]

And that's what happens when you combine mental illness, acting-out, blame-shifting, entitlement, punishment, etc with custody/parenting.  It doesn't make sense but it's there nonetheless.

Is he paying child support?  If he drops parenting, he'll still have to pay child support.  So really, skipping out may be a relief emotionally but doesn't help anything else.  And as much as the children misbehave or even lie now, they still need their father.

Clearly mother is alienating them now.  And stepping out of the picture isn't a good answer either because then Ex will claim, "See?  I told you, he doesn't love you or care about you or he wouldn't have walked out on you."  They would never hear his side of the story or that he didn't abandon them or walk away, he was driven away.

I wrote this many years ago:

You don't have to be perfectly normal or perfectly whatever.  As your kids grow up, they may ask you, "Have you done all you could for me, fight for me, be there for me?"  And you'll answer, "Yes, I did my reasonable best."  The kids don't expect SuperMan or SuperWoman, they'll be happy with just you and their dad as you are.

There are no guarantees in life but at least your brother can do his reasonable best.

As for lack of financial resources for a lawyer, he could ask questions and advice on avvo.com, perhaps even find a good lawyer there with sliding scale fees.

[Lilyroze]

Hi Emily 

Not sure if your brother is from the US but have him look into the court appointing the kids a  Guardian ad litem. I use to be one with CASA. The court can appoint one, and would be paid for by both parents or state.

A Guardian ad litem can be a child custody attorney, a social worker, a volunteer, or someone else with the appropriate qualifications to fulfill this adult or child custody arrangement. A guardian ad litem serves until a new child custody arrangement is reached or until his services are no longer needed. He is going to need representation so she doesn't say you or your attorney are causing problems, if possible. He/She must insure that an appropriate child custody arrangement is established for that child.

Have him log and keep a diary of everything ( including who was around at times so if he needs statements). See if there is a fathers rights group he can get some help from.



I know you and he will get lots of support and good advice here as well.

[Thunderstruck]

Well just think of how this accusation would play out in court... .

"The boys said... .". OBJECTION! Hearsay (statement thrown out).

Oldest DD testifies "the boys said... .". OBJECTION! Hearsay (statement thrown out).

DH and I have been through a lot of false accusations and attempts at alienation. It's really hard to go through. There were days I would go to bed crying. But I have to tell you, it was like night and day when we finally got a temp order and 50/50. Just having a set, consistent schedule and dedicated time to see SD made a world of difference in hers and DH's relationship.