My boyfriend has a BPD ex... what are his needs?

[Akira81]

Hi,

so i going my way back in this board years after it helped me save myself from a pretty abusive relationship with someone with borderline structure and narcissist traits.

I went to therapy for a long Time.

But still i struggle atm and i dont really know how to handle this  Situation and since i know how much support you can find in this side.

I fell deeply in love with this guy, very sensitive and slightly depressive nature with heaps of psychological Problems in the past. No borderline. He was in therapy for years.

We do have a similar personality structure and a similar Family history.

1,5 Years ago his borderline ex of 6 months long distance (supposidly diagnosed BPD, and everything he is telling me supports this) left him "out of the blue" and his World collapsed.

So he obviously spent that time frantically looking for someone to heal him, sleeping around, being severely depressive, dating a couple of ppl at once bis keeping a door open for her.

Until we met.

At least this is what he says.

That he found Peace now.

We spend a mit of Time together and have been an official couple for 2 months now.

He actually wants me to move in and stuff.

What bothers me:

the tales of her.

How important she was

That he had to tell himself she he an accident and died to get over her.

That he gives her a similar space in his heart as his beloved grandfather who passed away.

And even though he tells me that he would never trade me for her, that he never felt so safe and happy and that this is so much what he wants... .im just... .i cant Even really name it propperly... .

I know its good to understand him and give him this feeling.

But i also feel as though i can never reach this emotional intensity - no stable person probably can - and that i might just not be enough at some Point. Or that she will just show up one day and he will be just drown to her again.

This all might me very silly of me and maybe im whining but still im struggling atm.

Thank you all for reading!

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[schwing]

Hi Akira81,

1,5 Years ago his borderline ex of 6 months long distance (supposidly diagnosed BPD, and everything he is telling me supports this) left him "out of the blue" and his World collapsed.

So he obviously spent that time frantically looking for someone to heal him, sleeping around, being severely depressive, dating a couple of ppl at once bis keeping a door open for her.

Until we met.

At least this is what he says.

That he found Peace now.

We spend a mit of Time together and have been an official couple for 2 months now.

He actually wants me to move in and stuff.

I know this can be very difficult when you've fallen in love.  But I would urge that you take things slow.  Time and patience will reveal if your new boyfriend is dealing with a recovery from a BPD relationship, or perhaps some degree of "fleas" (i.e., BPD behaviors that are emulated), or perhaps more.

What bothers me:

the tales of her.

How important she was

That he had to tell himself she he an accident and died to get over her.

That he gives her a similar space in his heart as his beloved grandfather who passed away.

It sounds like he is still dealing with quite a bit of grief from that previous relationship.  When my relationship with my BPDgf ended, I found that I was emotionally unavailable for a long time after that.  It didn't stop me from dating.  But I found that the emotions I felt did get in the way of my new relationships.  Your boyfriend may still need to figure this out for himself.  I would encourage him to find support so that you are not overwhelmed and/or conflicted by the support he clearly still needs.

And even though he tells me that he would never trade me for her, that he never felt so safe and happy and that this is so much what he wants... .im just... .i cant Even really name it propperly... .

I know its good to understand him and give him this feeling.

But i also feel as though i can never reach this emotional intensity - no stable person probably can - and that i might just not be enough at some Point. Or that she will just show up one day and he will be just drown to her again.

I think your concern is very well founded.  The thing is, you don't know what is going to happen.  Which is why I urge patience and compassion for both him and yourself.  If both of you are ready for a relationship, it will become more manifest over time.

Best wishes,

Schwing