What is considered respect?

[Cloudy Days]

Ok, so living in BPD world I often get told that I do not respect my husband. Sometimes I might agree with this but most of the time I try to respect my husband as much as I possibly can. I was looking through old texts the other day (very enlightening) and him claiming I don't respect him for one reason or another came up several times over about a years worth of texts. So I figured I would throw out a few of the instances where I was told that I don't respect him so I could get some feedback.

The most recent thing happend two days ago, my mother in law stopped paying for our cell phones (we had been warned she retired this month) so I went ahead and used some of our saved money to pay off our phones so the month to month bill would be about $50 cheaper(money came from my job but it's our money). I didn't foresee this being a problem but my husband blew up over it. Said I didn't talk to him about it first and went on and on about how I disrespected him by not asking him about it first. I usually pay all the bills he doesn't even see most of it, he does contribute though.

The other time that stood out to me was when I was suppose to take my mother to a car place that was in a bad neighborhood. She was trying to get her car fixed and my husband made a huge deal about it not being a safe neighborhood and my mother needed to find another ride there. I told him to just trust me on it, that I would be perfectly fine, he made a huge deal about it is disrespecting him if I don't listen to him. Usually if I don't listen to him he claims it is disrespectful.

I usually ask why he doesn't respect me because during these blow ups he's sending pure hate filled and disrespectful speech towards me whether I am listening or not. This is the only relationship I have been in ever so I'm just wondering what other veiws are. When is something disrespectful?

On the money thing I apologized and told him I would talk to him about things like that first. The second one I just did what I was going to do in the first place because it seemed more like a manipulation tactic to get me to do what he wants. There are probably many more examples I could give but in the spirit of making this readable I will stop here.

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[Cloudy Days]

I just realized I posted this on the wrong board, I meant to post on the staying board.

C.Stein -  Moved to Improving

[HopefulDad]

The money thing isn't disrespect, but perhaps there were implied or specific agreements regarding money decisions that fell through the cracks.  These things happen in marriages with no PDs, so cleaning up the communication here is a good thing regardless.

The "disagreement = disrespect" thing is an issue that came up in my MC with my BPDxw.  She clearly felt the same way and the MC simply asked her, "Why do you think disagreement is a sign of disrespect?  People disagree all the time." and she drew a blank.

I suspect disagreement can be very invalidating to a pwBPD.  So then you get painted black for disagreeing, with a nice shiny "disrespectful" tint.

[Cloudy Days]

That's what I am trying to figure out, It really angers me when I am told I don't respect him because I feel like I do and I get told on a regular basis that he doesn't respect me because I don't respect him. I think I do he's just using that as an excuse when he gets angry.

[Bipolaris]

My ex/now best friend has BPD and we've had similar arguments, I'm not sure how exactly to put it into words but perhaps he has never said or doesn't have the words for how not being involved in the bills process makes him feel? Even if he's only going to agree, perhaps he feels left out?

I often only later found out I'd been doing things 'wrong' until much, much later and we finally found the words for what the issue is. I'm sure if he's saying this, he may feel this way about other things. It can be tricky when you mean so well but don't realise this is a situation that is causing your BPD partner to feel unhappy in some way.

The best advice I can give is to talk to them and ask questions, just keeping asking so they can try and find a way to express what's wrong. That's been my experience, it can be hard for them when they don't fully understand where it's coming from and giving them space to work it out seems to help. It can mean that some unpleasant things or thought processes might come up but bear with it.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

It seems sometime that with a BPD significant other that anything we do is disrespectful.  This can be very confusing and stressful.  The best advice is to be yourself and do what you know if helpful.  In the end you only have yourself to answer to.

[Kimtexas43]

I feel like I keep saying this over and over, but I am SO glad I found this forum. For so many years I have been made to feel like I had something wrong with me, when in the back of my mind I kept telling myself something is just not right with my husband. After reading the descriptions of BPD, he so fits the mold as being a textbook case. And after reading thru so many of these posts, it's comforting to know that there are so many others out there experiencing the same issues when loving and living with someone like this.

Back to the topic at hand - I've found myself so confused by the "you don't respect me" accusations over the years. The most recent was we were on a cruise with my parents a few weeks ago (HUGE mistake - never again!) and my husband was, as always, refusing to go along with group plans so he was in our cabin laid up in bed watching tv. My mom was with me and I needed to write down some information for her, so I cracked open our cabin door and asked him if he was dressed and could we come in. He didn't answer, but I saw he was awake. The room was fairly dark, so I went in and told my mom to come in. My husband wears boxer brief type underwear and they kind of look like shorts, so I didn't notice he was in his underwear laying on the bed. No big deal, my mom didn't notice either. I wrote down the info for my mom and she left our cabin. After she left, I was read the riot act by my husband and told over and over again how rude and disrespectful it was that I allowed my mom to come into HIS room while he wasn't even dressed. I told him he could have said he wasn't dressed when I asked him, and he could have easily pulled the cover over him if it bothered him. He just repeatedly over and over said that I never respect him and how would he feel if he brought his dad into our room and I was in my underwear. I told him first, I would have answered him if he asked if I was dressed and I would have gotten up and gotten dressed if his dad needed to come in or I would have grabbed the blanket right next to me and covered up. It was a horrible fight. Over something so trivial.  To me, that is not normal behavior. I am now realizing that someone like him cannot compromise in situations. It's the black or white mentality. That is the very reason he will never be invited on family trips again.

I will never forget when my step son was about 12 years old. He looked at me and said "My dad is really not normal." And he was completely serious and he was completely right. I wish years ago I would have realized he was suffering from this mental condition. It would have saved me from so much heartache and turmoil. I would have been educated on ways to cope and deal with him.

[Fie]

Hello Cloudy Days,

I am sorry you have to walk on eggshells so much. I have had a BPD ex who used to tell me I did not respect him, and I  know how frustrated you are feeling about being told exactly that.
Truth is, BPD will always feel kind of depressed and bad about themselves, regardless what you do, or not do. They do a lot of projecting, to get rid of those bad feelings they are really feeling towards themselves, but are too hard for them to cope with. So they shift between feeling bad about themselves / shameful, and feeling narcisistic ('I am always right', projecting away the feelings they are really having about themselves, without even realizing it. Because they are always *right*, it is always the other one (you) who has to be the wrong one. So, in that way, you don't respect them, because 'you are not treating them fair' !

In my experience, they don't respect other people's opinion. Because they will never admit this, not even to themselves, they project this feeling of disrespect, if we can call it that, away upon you. It's  very effective, because they always end up being the sane one - and you, being the disrespectful one.

In my experience it's best not to argue with them when their BPD  behaviors come up.  :)efending yourself against a BPD is never a good idea. I wish that back than, I had just told my ex 'you are not right, I do respect you', and left the room. Instead, it always ended up in me defending myself, and him always disagreeing with whatever I  said. I think a good strategee with BPD is telling them you see it differently, and leave the room. No need to elaborate / defend yourself : you will never win. And they will only *respect* you less (which is exactly the opposite of what you'd want in such a situation - twisted right... .)

And about your question 'what is respect' : to me respect is respecting someone's boundaries. (which BPD does not have now I come to think of it  ;-))
So maybe when your husband is accusing you of not showing respect, you can ask him to tell you his boundary. If he's not able to come up with a concrete boundary for a concrete situation (f.e. don't pay bills without discussing - don't open the door of my room when I tell you to not come in), you can deduct that it's  his BPD  behavior kicking in, just making wild accusations without any ground.

[motherhen]

I don't see any of those examples as being disrespectful. In the cruise ship example, had he answered that he wasn't fully dressed and you invited your mom in *that* would be disrespectful.

I don't know how much you are able to communicate with him during calm times, but maybe ask him what he defines as respect and disrespect. He might come up with a reasonable answer when he's calm, but unfortunately his actions show that you not being a mind reader and doing what he wants = "disrespect" when he's having an episode.

My DH likes to use the word "boundaries" in a similar way. If you didn't read his mind and do or not do what he wants or doesn't want then you've crossed his boundaries. Clearly he has a very different perception of what boundaries are than the actual meaning of the word so I need not be offended by the accusation that I've violated his boundaries because we don't use the word to mean the same thing. However, it's very likely that whatever occurred triggered an anxiety response, so I might try to backtrack to what happened and ask if it made him feel anxious. When I ignore the acting out and address the feeling instead, it often goes well because he feels heard and understood.

I see perhaps a common thread in your examples, that something happened that he didn't expect and wonder if it triggered an anxiety response.