stuck in a situation

[Depression = 72% of members]

Apologies if this not the right place. I split from my ex nearly a month ago, and we have seen each other and had contact, and we spent last weekend together, when he was saying that he could give more and how much he cared etc. We still haven't resumed a sexual relationship. When we split, it was because he had a huge episode because I showed surprise when he said he wanted to go to a party with some dodgy friends he had spent weeks telling me he didn't want to see anymore. There was a massive episode and he drove off and left me, and threw my stuff outside and went off for a few hours. Im not saying what I did was right, but I looked at some of his messages on laptop messenger, which I have had access to through our whole relationship but hadn't looked at til then. In it, he was not only slagging me off to people, making out I was abusing him etc, he was prescheduling to go to parties where he would take drugs and have sex with other women, including at Christmas.

He was arranging this at times when we were 'happy', then either on the day of the party or just before, he would do something which would upset me and use it as an excuse to have to go off and go to the party because he thought it was over or because he needed some space from ne. We don't live near each other so see each other most weekends. I was horrified at the way he was allowing his friends to talk about me, and how he was building up a picture of me being crazy and narcissistic. However, he won me round to the point where although I knew I couldn't get back with him officially I thought we could be friends. Last night I stayed at his as I am in town for work, but have my dog who I cant take to work so I can't just leVe his place. (my home is two hours away). After he went off again saying I was a weirdo, I committed the same offence of looking at the messages and saw much the same, him slagging me off, trying to get with other women and even sending on the text messages I had sent him (showing reasonBle concern  when he was texting me telling me he was seriously ill. (just saying sorry to hear this, give me a text later to let me know you're ok, try lying down and raising your legs... ) he had  sent this to a girl he had previously been interested in, saying he thought she might find it funny. I now feel stuck here and shaking.  I have a really reputable job very much in the public domain and he has been calling me to people and building layers and layers of lies about me so it looks like I'm some horrible, abusive, narcissistic bully. Interestingly, he does have friends like that who have been horrible to me and to other women he has worked with too. I suspect he triangulates a lot. As ive said before, I have a therapist, mostly due to the relationship tbh. I know I'm not perfect and I can be quite headstrong but I  know I am a nice person, and this is all fabrication which terrifies me.  I'm reading representations of myself  that I don't recognise and haven't even met in another person. He puts me down about my job on a couple of occassions and says I do nothing and have nothing going for me (he is pretty much living off wealthy family whilst he tries to get his film and music projects off the ground-although he has admitted he is out of his depth and although I hate to say it, I suspect he isn't actually capable of doing a job, although at times his ego seems huge and he really thinks he's famous or something). I'm writing here just to get it off my chest. Whilst I'm writing this he has actually returned to his house and put his head on my arm.

Obviously for my own safety I cant tell him I know  and have read his messages. I have already weeks ago removed him from facebook, and thank god we have two mutual friends who are no longer friends with him be cause (without me saying anything)?they witnessed/noticed his behaviour and perhaps things he was saying about me. They wont go into details, but they feel really bad because it was they who encouraged us to get together.  What do I do now? I mean right now? I guess I need to make Sur I dont fill the victim role (altho I feel like one!) and try not to enter into any drama. There's no point talking with him. I already said I know he has been calling me and sending on my messages and he denied it and said I was crazy.


wish we could remain friends but I'm now really worried about what damage may have been done to my reputation. My previous relationship ended dramatically when it got physically abusive so I'm worried about the stigma and people thinking it's me. The layers of lies he has managed to weave to try to make himself look like a saint and completely innocent to the fact that' I am so abusive to him'. He has hit me once in the past and it freaked him out and he hated it, he has also started to smash up my house and to protect my stuff without thinking I slapped him (again, I dont condone this but it just happened, probably self defence) I then asked him to clear up the mess and he did.  , cheated on me twice that I know of, but the mental stuff is the worst. I know I need to cut him out of my life, which makes me sad and I wish I could explain it to him but I know he wouldn't understand or would refuse to believe. Apologies for the rant, and ive just realised it should probably be in a different forum room. Tips for making it through the next fifteen hours  til I go home would be helpful. I just cant comprehend what is happening. X

[Amber2016]

Apologies if this not the right place. I split from my ex nearly a month ago, and we have seen each other and had contact, and we spent last weekend together, when he was saying that he could give more and how much he cared etc. We still haven't resumed a sexual relationship. When we split, it was because he had a huge episode because I showed surprise when he said he wanted to go to a party with some dodgy friends he had spent weeks telling me he didn't want to see anymore. There was a massive episode and he drove off and left me, and threw my stuff outside and went off for a few hours. Im not saying what I did was right, but I looked at some of his messages on laptop messenger, which I have had access to through our whole relationship but hadn't looked at til then. In it, he was not only slagging me off to people, making out I was abusing him etc, he was prescheduling to go to parties where he would take drugs and have sex with other women, including at Christmas.

He was arranging this at times when we were 'happy', then either on the day of the party or just before, he would do something which would upset me and use it as an excuse to have to go off and go to the party because he thought it was over or because he needed some space from ne. We don't live near each other so see each other most weekends. I was horrified at the way he was allowing his friends to talk about me, and how he was building up a picture of me being crazy and narcissistic. However, he won me round to the point where although I knew I couldn't get back with him officially I thought we could be friends. Last night I stayed at his as I am in town for work, but have my dog who I cant take to work so I can't just leVe his place. (my home is two hours away). After he went off again saying I was a weirdo, I committed the same offence of looking at the messages and saw much the same, him slagging me off, trying to get with other women and even sending on the text messages I had sent him (showing reasonBle concern  when he was texting me telling me he was seriously ill. (just saying sorry to hear this, give me a text later to let me know you're ok, try lying down and raising your legs... ) he had  sent this to a girl he had previously been interested in, saying he thought she might find it funny. I now feel stuck here and shaking.  I have a really reputable job very much in the public domain and he has been calling me to people and building layers and layers of lies about me so it looks like I'm some horrible, abusive, narcissistic bully. Interestingly, he does have friends like that who have been horrible to me and to other women he has worked with too. I suspect he triangulates a lot. As ive said before, I have a therapist, mostly due to the relationship tbh. I know I'm not perfect and I can be quite headstrong but I  know I am a nice person, and this is all fabrication which terrifies me.  I'm reading representations of myself  that I don't recognise and haven't even met in another person. He puts me down about my job on a couple of occassions and says I do nothing and have nothing going for me (he is pretty much living off wealthy family whilst he tries to get his film and music projects off the ground-although he has admitted he is out of his depth and although I hate to say it, I suspect he isn't actually capable of doing a job, although at times his ego seems huge and he really thinks he's famous or something). I'm writing here just to get it off my chest. Whilst I'm writing this he has actually returned to his house and put his head on my arm.

Obviously for my own safety I cant tell him I know  and have read his messages. I have already weeks ago removed him from facebook, and thank god we have two mutual friends who are no longer friends with him be cause (without me saying anything)?they witnessed/noticed his behaviour and perhaps things he was saying about me. They wont go into details, but they feel really bad because it was they who encouraged us to get together.  What do I do now? I mean right now? I guess I need to make Sur I dont fill the victim role (altho I feel like one!) and try not to enter into any drama. There's no point talking with him. I already said I know he has been calling me and sending on my messages and he denied it and said I was crazy.


wish we could remain friends but I'm now really worried about what damage may have been done to my reputation. My previous relationship ended dramatically when it got physically abusive so I'm worried about the stigma and people thinking it's me. The layers of lies he has managed to weave to try to make himself look like a saint and completely innocent to the fact that' I am so abusive to him'. He has hit me once in the past and it freaked him out and he hated it, he has also started to smash up my house and to protect my stuff without thinking I slapped him (again, I dont condone this but it just happened, probably self defence) I then asked him to clear up the mess and he did.  , cheated on me twice that I know of, but the mental stuff is the worst. I know I need to cut him out of my life, which makes me sad and I wish I could explain it to him but I know he wouldn't understand or would refuse to believe. Apologies for the rant, and ive just realised it should probably be in a different forum room. Tips for making it through the next fifteen hours  til I go home would be helpful. I just cant comprehend what is happening. X

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I am so sorry for your experience with your ex, that must have been very, very tough for you.  If you were in a new relationship that met your needs would you have just come here and posted this?

[Amber2016]

If I were in a new relationship I wouldn't be staying with him.  I allowed myself to get sucked in again, and a few days later im devastated because he has let me down again on another occasion which was important to me.

[hope2727]

I am sorry you experienced this. MY ex too picked huge fights so he could go do what he wanted without me then came back after like nothing happened. It is not acceptable behaviour. The end. I hope you realize you are worth so much more then that. Sending you hugs and support.