I used to let my wife guilt trip

[Horus]

At one time I used to let my wife guilt trip me and now I realize that its nothing but manipulation. I also had to deal with her projecting her problems on to me and making me feel like I'm the one with the problem and for a time I entertained it but now I see that its all apart of her not accepting her own issues and tryna put the "fault" on me. Now my question is is this not abuse? I feel really offended because I believe that she's taking advantage of my love for her. She has to know and know better... .And as far as the using validation to help them out , I just don't get it and I have tried. Then you become wrapped up in God knows what and agreeing to things that are way off base. When I did that I started showing BPD tendencies. Becoming what I was tryna combat by enabling. It kills me to entertain things I know are completely out of touch or just to extreme. I'm tired and our communication is breaking down and I think its because I'm getting tired of trying. I have become the manager of her emotions and the guardian of my sanity from my own wife. Every day it's something different. This is after almost 10 yrs. I'm fed up and if she doesn't seek help I'm leaving. I'm willing to get help also because I am awear  that I don't have the tools either bug our situation is getting volatile and its like were both are starting not to care. Will it always b like this ? Will she ever be able to manage her own emotions or have I took on a life long job of constantly validating, managing emotions, explaining the obvious and deflecting the abuse and anger? Sorry so long winded,,, needed to vent... .Not meaning to bash... .

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I've been married >10yrs to my BPD wife as well, and have known BPD for the past 3.

It is frustrating! Everyday!

To respond to some specific questions you have:

- Is it abuse? Yes. But it's not deliberate by her. She doesn't see it, she doesn't really control it. She does NOT know better. She feels pain every day. More intense then you or I could ever understand. And she only feels better when she can share it.

- validation is NOT agreeing to what she says. Read this site - there are lots of posts on validation. Validation is agreeing with her FEELINGS - not her "facts". It is still very difficult. I look at what my wife says, all the facts she says MAKE her feel angry/jealous/fearful etc. I cannot understand how those things make her feel that way. To me it's like she's added 1 and 1 and got 5. But no matter whether it's logical or not, SHE FEELS what she feels. So I can validate "I can see you feel angry", or even "I undertand how that would make YOU feel jealous". I'm not agreeing with any of her facts. Big difference! (Validation is still very hard to do and will take time to learn).

- if she doesn't seek help I'm leaving. I feel like that every few days. But the reality is that the BEST help she can get, involves a lot of effort on your part too. I read that therepy can help, but I'm not sure how much better it makes things. Validation and boundaries probably help just as much - and they are things YOU control.

- Will she ever be able to control her own emotions? Probably not. But with your help (if you are willing) she can feel heard - which will take the edge off.

- Explaining the obvious. Doesn't help! Her brain works very differently to yours. And she's frustrated/angry because SHE's trying to explain the obvious to you (about why she feels so horrible) and you can't see it! Just like she can't see the logic you are trying to show her. Your brains are different.



Keep posting and sharing. It is frustrating and taxing but people here can help. Whether you end up staying with her or leaving - either way you will benefit from being here.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Such great advice here!  Awesome points!  The hardest jump to make with people in a relationship with someone with BPD is thinking that validation = agreement.  It is simply not the case.  The reason most of us have an issue here is because we feel so compelled to be right.  Being right does't improve the relationship, in fact it hurts it tremendously so feel free to let that go all together and focus on the end goal.  What do you want?  A better relationship?  Validation = an improved relationship, so why not master that skill?

[Horus]

Williamskevin very much appreciated

[jrharvey]

Horus. It must be incredibly frustrating.

explaining the obvious

This is something so difficult for me right now. I am the type of person (and maybe you too) that if someone gives logical points that make sense then you can understand and accept the truth. But I have noticed that my BPD girlfriend does not and cannot understand the truth as long as her FEELINGS say something else. I dont have any good advice but I wanted to say your not alone.

Also I felt like I was "abused" as well for so long. I thought she must be so cruel to "pretend" to love me soo much just to treat me like complete crap in a few days then go back to being the best lover on the planet. It felt like emotional abuse. Its helping me a lot being here and knowing I am not alone and knowing that she isnt purposely doing this because she is evil. For me the first step is understanding and Im going to start trying some solutions soon. Hope it works.

[Grey Kitty]

As williamkelvin said, deep validation is not agreeing with her, it is acknowledging that her feelings are real, understandable, and that you notice and care about what she is feeling. And that will help her learn to acknowledge and ultimately manage her feelings.

Will she ever be able to manage her own emotions or have I took on a life long job of constantly validating, managing emotions, explaining the obvious and deflecting the abuse and anger?

That is a good question. And hard to answer if she will ever be able to do that or not. Perhaps she never will do it very well, but it is definitely possible for her to improve at least some. I know my wife did.

Let me flip your question around, though.

She never will learn to manage her own emotions as long as you keep doing it for her. Guaranteed.

You do need to protect yourself from the abuse, and remove yourself as the target for the anger. But don't try to deflect the anger or guide her out of it.

The only way she will find a healthy way to manage her anger is if you leave her to be with it and work it out on her own.

And this really is good news for you, Horus--you sound tired of trying to manage her feelings. So stepping back and letting her do it herself will help that!