How do I tell her that she's going to lose me unless she stops drinking?

[Yaffle]

Overall I'm generally coping ok at the moment but my updGF has started drinking heavily and has also recently been given notice that she is going to lose her job.  Understandably she is quite down about her job but this now results in her getting more and more upset towards the end of the evening as she drinks more then just as she's going to bed she starts having a go at me for things I do wrong or I've done wrong (projection I presume) and won't stop.  She follows me round the house yelling at me.  On Sunday I left the house for an hour and when I got back she's locked me out so I had to sleep in the car but only got around two hours sleep which isn't ideal when I've got work the next day.  She started on me again last night which went on for about an hour and a half and basically I've had enough.  She needs to stop drinking which although it may not stop the outbursts altogether should at least reduce the frequency.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I'm so sorry you are going through this now bro.  Being locked out of your own place must have been very traumatic.  Bpd + alcohol can't be fun to deal with.  Alcohol is a depressant so on top of possibly being disordered she also gets drunk.  That is a volatile situation.  You subject title was, "How do I tell her that she's going to lose me unless she stops drinking?"  Why do you think you are asking that on this forum?  Do you really not know how to say that to her, or are you really living in fear of her reaction to you saying that? 

[Yaffle]

Just trying to find the best approach that won't set her off too badly.  Obviously once she's been drinking is not a good time but as we know they take anything that can be perceived as criticism badly so I'm just after a direction on how to approach it that will get my point across.  I expect that no matter what I say it will be turned round to being my fault

[Panda39]

I'm on these boards because my significant other has a uBPDxw I was not in a relationship with someone with BPD.  However I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic.  I was a co-dependent enabler. I'm not anymore.

You could try and use SET when talking with her... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

You could tell her how you feel about what she is doing... .use "I" messages don't blame. 

You could try attending an Al-Anon meeting for support and advice.

I would start with just discussing with her that it is hurtful to you and the relationship when she drinks before threatening to leave or giving an ultimatum, remember fear of abandonment is at the core of BPD. 

If the behavior doesn't improve then what?

How do I tell her that she's going to lose me unless she stops drinking?

My question is will she lose you if she doesn't stop?  Is her continued drinking a deal/relationship breaker for you?  Are you willing to back up/enforce your statement,... that boundary?  Because if you make that kind of statement and don't walk the walk you start going down the path of codependency.

I don't know if your gf is an alcoholic or is just struggling in the moment and is using alcohol to self medicate but drinking and alcoholism can appear many different ways.  My husband was a "functional" alcoholic... .weekend binge drinker.  He could hold a job.  Does your gf have a history of alcohol abuse?  Is there a pattern here?

In my husbands case he as they say had to hit "rock bottom" before he finally addressed is drinking/alcoholism.  He lost his wife and son, had his 3rd DUI and  lost his license, he went to work with alcohol on his breath and lost his job, he had to pay attorney fees and used his retirement to pay them.  All of this before he got the message there was a problem.  He has now been sober for about 4 years.

I hope I've given you something helpful here.

Take Care,

Panda 39

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not going to say it is easy, but I'd probably aim more directly at her drinking+BPD driven behavior than the drinking itself.

And next time you need to leave the house around bedtime, plan on someplace to spend the night in peace. Do you have friends or family you can sleep on their couch or in their guest bed? If you set it up so they know they may hear from you on short notice some night, that might help.

No, it doesn't stop the drinking, or the verbal attacks at bedtime, but it does get you out where you can get a full night's sleep.

[BestVersionOfMe]

One thing you might look into is separating the drinking from the person when you communicate with her?  It is likely since she has BPD that she takes things personally in with heavy emotions so if you come right out and say it, it will probably trigger her.  If you were able to craft the message into something more like, "I love you tremendously, I just don't like the alcohol."  Combine that with praising her when she is sober and say things like, "Gosh I am having such a good time with you right now."  Maybe that might encourage her to lay off the booze a lot more, maybe it won't.

[Yaffle]

Thank you all.  Trying to digest all that at the moment.  It happened again last night (I didn't leave the house this time though).  It seems like its every Sunday just when I'm trying to relax for an hour before going to bed.  Then it takes me a couple of hours to relax again so I don't get enough sleep before work on a Monday. 

[waverider]

Usually takes a crisis rather than a conversation. Even with non BPD, a pwBPD is even less likely to comply with your wishes. She will see it as controlling and nothing to do with you, even if you are bearing the brunt of it.

The question is how can you avoid being exposed to the consequences of drinking, rather than how can you stop her? This is more likely to be the most productive of courses, as you can't control her.

[Yaffle]

I’m struggling to see how I can avoid the consequences of it but may be if I could….

Sunday I’d actually nodded of on the sofa when she started.  Maybe it was that that triggered her.  I don’t know.   Once she’s started she follows me everywhere and won’t stop.  I think she feels bad then as bedtime comes she sits there brooding and making herself feel worse then just needs to blame me for her feeling bad or needs to project it on to me.  She started again last night.  What triggered her eventually was me watching a TV program that me and an ex work colleague (who she’s jealous of) used to watch then talk about at work.  She ended up accusing me of being the father of my ex-colleague’s son.  Luckily it was warm enough for me to go and sit down the bottom of the garden till she was asleep.  I think she was just looking for any reason to get triggered to let it out rather than it being that specific thing.  If it wasn’t that then she’d have probably started on how I don’t call my parents every day.

[Grey Kitty]

I’m struggling to see how I can avoid the consequences of it but may be if I could….

Removing yourself from her presence when she is drunk and wanting to pick a fight with you is one way!

[BestVersionOfMe]

I’m struggling to see how I can avoid the consequences of it but may be if I could….

Sunday I’d actually nodded of on the sofa when she started.  Maybe it was that that triggered her.  I don’t know.   Once she’s started she follows me everywhere and won’t stop.  I think she feels bad then as bedtime comes she sits there brooding and making herself feel worse then just needs to blame me for her feeling bad or needs to project it on to me.  She started again last night.  What triggered her eventually was me watching a TV program that me and an ex work colleague (who she’s jealous of) used to watch then talk about at work.  She ended up accusing me of being the father of my ex-colleague’s son.  Luckily it was warm enough for me to go and sit down the bottom of the garden till she was asleep.  I think she was just looking for any reason to get triggered to let it out rather than it being that specific thing.  If it wasn’t that then she’d have probably started on how I don’t call my parents every day.

Does she drink around other people or in other circumstances or just around you?  I am asking because I am wondering if she is using the drinking to make it easier to create more conflict between the two of you.  If you got reactive or angry about her drinking in the past, in the mind of a borderline, doing that more is one way to get a rise out of you.  Some people with BPD just can't stand it when there is peace for long periods of time.

[Yaffle]

That would mean leaving the house 3 or 4 times a week quite late at night with the risk of her locking me out again but I suppose if I have to do it then I have to do it.  It’s not so bad in the summer as I could just walk around or take my bike out for a bit but in the winter there’s not really anywhere I can go except for the pub which I’d rather not do every time. 

Would setting a boundary work, along the lines of ‘I’m leaving the room now.  If you follow me then I’ll leave the house until things have calmed down.’  I’m awful at using the right words.

By the way it happened again last night just as she was preparing to go to bed.  I got all sorts of abuse from how my brother is much better than me as he looks after his wife who has MS to ‘Look at you sat there with your bobbed hair’ (She usually cuts my hair but is refusing to do it at the moment).

[Yaffle]

She mainly drinks with just me around but will drink around others.  I'm not sure how much she drinks as she often uses the same glass for soft drinks as alcoholic ones.  I don't think she drinks to get a rise out of me as I've not complained about it that I can recall and its over quite a long period (she'll often pour a glass of wine as soon as I get in from work) but she doesn't fly into a rage until 10 o'clock at night.  If she goes out with friends she'll often come in after a good night and start on me but I think that's more to do with her being worried about what I've been up to while she's been out.

[waverider]

That would mean leaving the house 3 or 4 times a week quite late at night with the risk of her locking me out again but I suppose if I have to do it then I have to do it.  It’s not so bad in the summer as I could just walk around or take my bike out for a bit but in the winter there’s not really anywhere I can go except for the pub which I’d rather not do every time. 

Would setting a boundary work, along the lines of ‘I’m leaving the room now.  If you follow me then I’ll leave the house until things have calmed down.’  I’m awful at using the right words.

Preplanning for the eventuality (as it repeats) helps, preferably not just walking around as that makes it hard to take your mind off it, you wont be away long and she will still be drink fueled when you get back.

Away until morning works best. Also avoids the lock out issue. You wont have to keep repeating it that readily as it will bring things to a head.

I always found when dealing with alcohol related issues, you can't resolve anything until next day

As far as "the right words" are concerned, you dont need any, they wont achieve anything, just do what you need to do, the reason will be obvious.

[BestVersionOfMe]

There was a point in my relationship where I thought my wife was having an affair and I was a complete wreck, and I don't have BPD.  Fear of betrayal is really quite real to her at this time and validating that fear is really the only card you have to calm those fears although it may be less effective when alcohol is involved.  There is an interesting dynamic here whereby you sometimes have to choose enforcing your own boundaries by leaving over validation when things get ugly.  How are things the next morning with her?  Is she still triggered or does she forget the entire thing?