I desperately want to believe him and start putting our family back together

[MadTrain]

Hi, glad I found u guys. Anyone been in my shoes? Been married 8 years and have 4 littles. We've had problems w alcohol abuse, drug  abuse, lies, manipulation and just recently it got physical. I left w my 4 kids a month ago. Talking to a couple of friends and sharing about my convos w my husband a friend suggested I look up BPD... .My husband fits the bill to a T. Things are starting to make sense now: BPD, codependency, depression, addictions and our volatile relationship. After a month of anger and rage and hurtful conversations my husband has gotten to the 'I'll do anything u need and I know I need help, I'm gonna get it' portion of our routine. I desperately want to believe him and start putting our family back together but I honestly don't know if I can. 4 kids under 7yo + a BPD spouse + my own dysfunctional issues=     I seriously have no idea what to think, where to go, how to think this through... .Anything. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.  -MadTrain

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jrharvey]

Im so sorry about your situation. It must be very difficult. I know you want to believe so badly. I can say that my relationship has turned violent several times before. I never retaliated and never did anything to deserve violence other than her own messed up fantasies and made up stories about what i am doing behind her back (all not true). I have heard her say several times she needs help and will do anything to change but although I know she desperately wants to change and shows it the actual actions do not change. Her reactions come at some deep unconscious level that takes some serious fixing. I really hope it works out for you. I know how hard it is to give up on someone you love.

[MadTrain]

Thanks jrharvey. I just got on these boards and haven't read through everything (a bit overwhelming), but from what you know of BPD... .Do they ever really change? I told myself I wouldn't return to him until I see action, not just words.  But thank you for your response.

[Mutt]

Hi MadTrain,



I'm sorry to hear that. That must of been a scary experience when your H got physical. Are you safe now?

To answer your question if they ever change, that depends. BPD is a spectrum disorder with different severity, its ingrained in the person's personality, a personality is difficult thing to change. Is he self aware? Does he feel like something is off with him? Does he have a desire to get help?

My exuBPDw is undiagnosed, is not very self aware and believes that her circumstances is influenced by others and not from her dysfunctional behaviors. BPD is a persecution complex and I would say that her top BPD behavior is projection. That said, she's not a benchmark for BPD but if she does change I think that it will come from one of our kids, our family is still young.

[Turkish]

Hi, glad I found u guys. Anyone been in my shoes? Been married 8 years and have 4 littles. We've had problems w alcohol abuse, drug  abuse, lies, manipulation and just recently it got physical.

Hello MadTrain,

How recent was this, and are you safe right now while you process things? Does anyone in your real life know, a safe ear you can trust?

Turkish

[BestVersionOfMe]

You are here, your husband is not, in fact he is on his own journey.  There is a lot to learn about the disorder which is great but you did mention you have your own dysfunctional behaviors to work on.  What are you currently doing to address that?  I'm glad you are safe now, welcome!

[MadTrain]

Thank you all for your replies! My children and I are safe. We left him and our home a few hours after the incident (under the protection of the police). Charges weren't pressed and he wasn't arrested... .All I wanted to do was get out and away.

Turkish: my family is aware of everything that has happened. I haven't told them about the PD. I'm still wrapping my head around it and I'm afraid if I can't explain it correctly I won't get retional / helpful responses. We don't need any more wood in that fire. 

Mutt: thanks for the explanation. He's def NOT self aware and is constantly saying he knows he needs help (for his unhappiness is all). He does blame all our circumstances for his behavior and is a victim in everything, never taking responsibility. All I know is I can't go back to what we had and I can't give in to his promises... .So I feel like it's gonna be a long hard road. He's not gonna like it.

bestversionofme: I totally fell into codependency. I'm actually going to al-Anon (bc those r a huge part of our issues) and looking for some additional counseling. Stop walking on eggshells is my next purchase  but I'm very blessed, I have an amazing family and support group that helps me process and keeps me accountable. They aren't professionals but they've helped to get me to this point. Now I just need to find more specific counseling.

Thanks for the welcome and the help guys