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Author Topic: Spillover from his frustration with others  (Read 418 times)
isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
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« on: July 01, 2016, 09:08:19 AM »

H insists on offering to make leather items for friends for this fall where we go in costume to a renaissance festival.  He doesn't do it because he enjoys it, or even because he wants to, but because he believes friends "expect" him to do it and/or give him "dirty looks" if he doesn't.  Now, if you offer to do something for someone, I kinda think they may expect you are going to do it, but that's just me.  And I think his impressions of people are not accurate most of the time, and his negative internal feelings get projected onto pretty much everyone else. 

I have told him to only offer to help them AFTER he is done with his own stuff.  This is not mean, it is not unreasonable, but he refuses and insists that he work on items for 4 other people and then micromanage my stuff which I have offered to do myself, before even starting on his own stuff. 

Personally, I think this has a lot more to do with his own fear of committing to his own stuff, and making up his mind about what he wants to do and needs.  It also totally gives him some reason to b___ constantly about how demanding every is on his time, and how it's their fault when his stuff is not done.

In contrast, I have made for years and years my own stuff, or bought it when needed.  I don't ask for help, I don't expect him to ever help with my stuff, and have at most asked for about 4-5 buckles total to be put onto outfits over about 15 years of us going to this.  And I have sewn everything fabric for me and him, and anyone else who requested sewing. 

Soo, I found a cute little sword, but it came in a modern nylon sheath.  Months back, he offered to make me a leather sheath.  I said, "Only if it's not too much time, trouble, or materials, or I can try to do it myself to learn how."  I've watched a lot of his leather working, and do all the stitching needed on leather work - he has no patience for the stitching.  I figured it'd be like a quiver he helped me cut but I assembled and tooled, where he'd help measure it and cut it out, but I'd do the rest, something that would take no more than an hour tops for his part, and I'd handle the rest as needed.  Nope.  He insisted on measuring, cutting, and then adding extra stuff and embellishments to it.  Then, he tossed a partially assmebled section in my lap telling me it needs to be sewn.  I was in the middle of soemthing else, had no idea where the sewing tools were at 9:30PM, and was getting over a cold and so was not preapred to work on it.  I got yelled at for being lazy and rude, and not appreciating all his hard work - I told him he was yelling at me because a friend he'd made seomthing for last year let her dog eat it, and that was not my fault.  I said, just stop working on this and let me finish it when I am not tired or sick.  He took that to mean I was insulting his work, saying I could do better.  Now, some of our guy friends are jerks who WOULD imply that as some stupid alpha male thing.  So again, he was yelling at me for things other said.

I got up, put away my own project (a silly dog I was crocheting FOR H), and started hunting for sewing supplies.  I asked him several times for the sinew we use to stitch, told him that yelling only slows me down looking for needles and to hand me the sinew.  He had it, and threw it in my face.  I got the 4 seams sewn, and gave it to him, he proceeded to untie my knots to show me how bad I am at this (yes, if you untie a knot on purpose, it comes undone - that's not how sewing works), yelled at me about how I will do all leather projects on my own without his help, including stuff for him, set out a "schedule" of what's to be done when, and then stomped and stormed around, took his shower and went to bed. 

He's angry at a lot of things right now:



  • he keeps inviting this person over who was instrumental in him having to leave his job 2 years ago.  The guy is oblivious to the point of being rude about it. I say, ":)on't invite him," but H is convinced this guy could affect MY job, since his dad is CEO over the place we had both worked.  I'm convinced I'm a little better knowing when to birng things like he faced up to a boss and then go higher if needed. He waited till his boss was comfortable shoving him around at work before he tried to speak up, after years of things escalating. I'm not going to be that complacent. The anniversary of him having to quit is coming up, and he's the kind of person who relives things like that. Sure, we all do to a point, but of course it's all so much more intense with BPD.


  • He keeps asking people what they want made, instead of letting them try to do it on their own or giving a polite but strict guideline to how he will help them, if at all. 


  • His shared b-day with his sister is coming up, and he's painted her black pretty much (she she him) so if he knows he will have to interact with her is pre-stressful




Anyway, I was tired, running a fever, and pretty tired last night, and so my validation was not good at all.  Getting the silent treatment this morning. Usually he diffuses some by lunch, but I'm too tired for this crap. I hate when he pulls out the leather stuff to start to work, because I KNOW it's not going to be him working on his own stuff and me working on mine.  It's like cooking/cleaning. When I cook or clean, I cook and clean.  Alone. When he does it, I am called in to "help" constantly, same with all else. Just need to write, helps me get it out
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schwing
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« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2016, 08:58:23 PM »

Hi isilme,

And I think his impressions of people are not accurate most of the time, and his negative internal feelings get projected onto pretty much everyone else.  

One thing I have noticed of the BPD loved ones in my life, they have distorted perspectives, especially when it pertains to their emotions.  And often they seek "lightning rods" as conduits for these emotions rather than work through what is actually bothering them.

Personally, I think this has a lot more to do with his own fear of committing to his own stuff, and making up his mind about what he wants to do and needs.  It also totally gives him some reason to b___ constantly about how demanding every is on his time, and how it's their fault when his stuff is not done.

Maybe it was about this.  Maybe not.  One of the key strategies I use to minimize the amount of pain I endure in these relationships is to make sure I am not in the line of fire.

I said, just stop working on this and let me finish it when I am not tired or sick.  He took that to mean I was insulting his work, saying I could do better.  Now, some of our guy friends are jerks who WOULD imply that as some stupid alpha male thing.  So again, he was yelling at me for things other said.

As a fellow co-dependent, I understand the inclination to "fix things" for our BPD loved ones.  But if what's really bothering him had nothing to do with the work at hand, your help won't be appreciated and you might have inadvertently put yourself in the spot light and in the line of fire.

He's angry at a lot of things right now:



  • he keeps inviting this person over who was instrumental in him having to leave his job 2 years ago.


  • He keeps asking people what they want made, instead of letting them try to do it on their own or giving a polite but strict guideline to how he will help them, if at all.  


  • His shared b-day with his sister is coming up, and he's painted her black pretty much (she she him) so if he knows he will have to interact with her is pre-stressful



You made a list of things that he is angry about.  I see a list of possible candidates for "lightning rods."  Sometimes when our BPD loved one's perspective gets too distorted they might go overboard, and so sometimes we put ourselves in the line of fire on purpose to try to minimize the damage.  Otherwise, it might be in your best interest to let your loved one vent.  Sometimes they make choices that give them a lot to vent about.  Recognize that this is their choice.  And stay out of the line of fire.

Anyway, I was tired, running a fever, and pretty tired last night, and so my validation was not good at all.  Getting the silent treatment this morning. Usually he diffuses some by lunch, but I'm too tired for this crap.

Next time you're tempted to intervene, check with yourself first.  If you don't have the extra energy to take some heat, don't.  I won't judge you.  In fact I might applaud you for taking care of yourself first.  Because if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your BPD loved one.

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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