Hi Horus,
it makes no sense as long as you think of your wife as an integrated rationale being. That model is insufficient.
What may help is seeing a rationale and an instinctive/emotional mind. When invalidated or not sufficiently validated the instinctive mind takes over - totally shutting off reason.
We validate to give the rationale mind of our partners a fighting chance. Validation helps regulating the emotions and that keeps the instinctive brain stem taking over - no crisis so no need for emergency behavioral program in the head of the pwBPD.
yes Love I see how you could feel that way (validation) but your reaction was a little extreme ( give her something to reflect on) cause my situation is that she use's the wrong emotion at the wrong time. Rage instead of anger, offended instead of irritated, mad instead of upset, abandoned instead of lonely... .Cause at least one of the main issues I deal with also is her not being able to manage her emotions.
I'm assuming here for the sake of the argument (and only you know whether I'm right) that the way you wrote you also are tempted to execute it. It may surprise you hearing: You don't see you just say you see and launch into immediate invalidation ("but" is a real good marker for potential invalidation and is closely related to JADE). Validation is a lot about seeing and accepting the other as is - in that moment. Seeing and accepting until she feels seen and accepted. Feels not just hears the words.
Yes, there is a need for accurate and at times painful or negative feedback. Patterns like SET and DEARMAN are exactly designed for that. But before they have a chance to reach the pwBPD that person needs to be in a state of mind that is calm enough to listen effectively. In most relationships of new members that is often rarely the case. Getting to that place takes a while - to acquire validation skills and for them to make a dent.
So what's wrong with at least suggesting that they may be being extreme or choosing the wrong emotion , how else can they learn?
This is a good idea however execution matters hugely here - naively executed it is controlling and will make matters worse. In fact what you want to do here is really validation - provide accurate feedback on what is going on. That is exactly what SET is all about.
s - Support: In an ongoing discussion this may be a simple as taking a non-aggressive / supportive body posture
E - Empathize: Lots and lot of validation until person is somewhat calm and receptive. Don't progress before that point is reached.
T - Truth: Objective and non judgemental. Don't push. Facts are offered - the pwBPD job to take them up when ready or leave them. Keep in mind admitting mistakes is very hard for a pwBPD so don't force it. Often facts take time to digest so impact may be seen a little later.
