Help dealing with irrational fears

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi.
It's been a long time since I've posted here.
Quick recap. I'm divorced from an undiagnosed BPD. We've been divorced since 2008 and have a 12-year old daughter.

I'm having some trouble dealing with a recurring problem. As with most BPDs, my ex-wife is very fearful. She's afraid of storms, terrorists, strangers and things she doesn't understand. She thinks everyone is out to get her (sound familiar?).

The latest problem has to do with our 12-year old daughter taking the dog for a walk. My uBPDxw is absolutely against our 12-year old daughter walking the dog around my neighborhood, by herself. uBPDxw brought this up last Summer when during the Summer break my daughter took the dog for a walk. Unfortunately, I acquiesced and said I would stop the practice. She also will not allow our daughter to walk from school to my house after school (about 4/10 of a mile).

Now, a year later when my daughter is ready to begin 7th grade, uBPDxw is still against it. She was irrationally angry with my daughter for walking the dog from my house to my daughter's friends house by herself. The house is about a 1/2 mile from mine. I received a series of text messages about how I'm an irresponsible parent, dishonest for not telling her and that I'm in complete denial about the safety of the neighborhood in which I've lived for 6 years.

My daughter has said how much she enjoys going for a walk with the dog. It's my feeling that my daughter is gaining confidence, self-esteem and freedom by doing so. My uBPDxw thinks it isn't safe. She continually brings up an abduction that happened 3 miles from my neighborhood in 1977 (yes, 40 years ago). It saddens my uBPDxw is taking this away from her.

I'm a little stuck on what to do. I absolutely think my ex-wife's fears are irrational and are eroding our daughter's self-esteem -- creating the doubt in my daughter's mind that something really is wrong with walking on her own and instilling irrational fear.

Thoughts?  Help, please.

As an aside, I live in a relatively nice suburb. Most of the homes in my neighborhood range from $180,000 - $360,000 (US) and the schools in this neighborhood are excellent (therefore, the neighborhood attracted young families many years ago. Now the neighborhood is a mixture of empty nesters remaining in their homes and young couples. As a 50-year old, I'm the minority... .in the middle of two bubbles).

[Breakingfree9]

Hi.
It's been a long time since I've posted here.
Quick recap. I'm divorced from an undiagnosed BPD. We've been divorced since 2008 and have a 12-year old daughter.

I'm having some trouble dealing with a recurring problem. As with most BPDs, my ex-wife is very fearful. She's afraid of storms, terrorists, strangers and things she doesn't understand. She thinks everyone is out to get her (sound familiar?).

The latest problem has to do with our 12-year old daughter taking the dog for a walk. My uBPDxw is absolutely against our 12-year old daughter walking the dog around my neighborhood, by herself. uBPDxw brought this up last Summer when during the Summer break my daughter took the dog for a walk. Unfortunately, I acquiesced and said I would stop the practice. She also will not allow our daughter to walk from school to my house after school (about 4/10 of a mile).

Now, a year later when my daughter is ready to begin 7th grade, uBPDxw is still against it. She was irrationally angry with my daughter for walking the dog from my house to my daughter's friends house by herself. The house is about a 1/2 mile from mine. I received a series of text messages about how I'm an irresponsible parent, dishonest for not telling her and that I'm in complete denial about the safety of the neighborhood in which I've lived for 6 years.

My daughter has said how much she enjoys going for a walk with the dog. It's my feeling that my daughter is gaining confidence, self-esteem and freedom by doing so. My uBPDxw thinks it isn't safe. She continually brings up an abduction that happened 3 miles from my neighborhood in 1977 (yes, 40 years ago). It saddens my uBPDxw is taking this away from her.

I'm a little stuck on what to do. I absolutely think my ex-wife's fears are irrational and are eroding our daughter's self-esteem -- creating the doubt in my daughter's mind that something really is wrong with walking on her own and instilling irrational fear.

Thoughts?  Help, please.

As an aside, I live in a relatively nice suburb. Most of the homes in my neighborhood range from $180,000 - $360,000 (US) and the schools in this neighborhood are excellent (therefore, the neighborhood attracted young families many years ago. Now the neighborhood is a mixture of empty nesters remaining in their homes and young couples. As a 50-year old, I'm the minority... .in the middle of two bubbles).

[Thunderstruck]

We have a similar neighborhood. We let SD11 ride her bike alone all over the neighborhood. I think it is an appropriate time (middle school) for them to start gaining some independence.

Would you and BPDmom brainstorming some safety measures help ease her worries? (Like boundary restrictions, what to do in case of emergency, what to do if someone approaches her, etc). Does D12 have a cell phone? That's certainly a different factor from 40 years ago.

[GaGrl]

Yes, she should be gaining independence by doing these types of activities - walking the dog, walking to school, walking to a friend's house.

The related question is how you want to navigate your Ex telling you what can or can't happen on your parenting time.

What are your thoughts around that?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Breakingfree9:

Sorry if this sounds like a public service announcement, , but I think I've encountered more unfortunate walking incidents than the average person. I don't let my encounters stop me from walking, I just focus more on safety than the average person.

I live in California.  Wish we had your home prices.  A "nice neighborhood" on the fringes of my locale would probably be in the $750,000 and above (I live on the fringe of those neighborhoods).  Hence, I'm not in the "nice neighborhood". Within 1/4 mile of my home is a large highway that has had a problem with prostitution, and unfortunately, there are some adult book stores on another large street, not far from my home.  Then, there is some gang activity.

 I've done a lot of walking (and jogging in my younger years) in my current neighborhood - mostly laps within 1/4 to 1/2 mile of my home.  I live within a group of cul-de-sacs and generally walk laps around the perimeter streets.

I've had unfortunate encounters before daylight and during daylight.  During the middle of the day, I had one encounter with a weenie waver. Then, one Sunday morning, just after dawn, I was stocked on the street by a car load of men who were under the influence of something. (Thankfully, some good Samaritans came to my rescue).  I've happened upon someone breaking into a car, someone casing cars for a break-in, and someone breaking into a neighbor's home.  I had one encounter that I best not describe.

The one that freaked me out the most was the 5:00 a.m. walk I started before work.  I got to the end of my little cul-de-sac, with a 90 pound German Shepherd.  As I turned to go down the cross street, a van drove by slowly going the opposite direction.  I got a bad feeling when it did a u-turn to head towards me.  I took proactive measures and quickly ran onto the next cul-de-sac and hide in someone's driveway with my dog (between cars).  I observed that the van had stopped at the entrance to the cul-de-sac, where I was hiding.  The van didn't move, it blocked the entrance to the street for what seemed like an eternity, but probably approx. 3 minutes or so.  After it left, I waited for a few more minutes and eventually went back home.  I think of this encounter from time to time, thinking I may have dodged a bullet. A year or two later a child was abducted within a quarter mile and murdered by someone driving a van.  It was a high-profile case at the time.  My person in a van was likely someone different, but I was glad I took evasive action.

I mention the above experiences of examples of what can happen. I've put my experiences into prospective and even laugh about some of them now.  From my experiences, I'd give you the following advice:

 It can be a lot about, location, location, location.  If your neighborhood proves to be safe, then it is likely okay for your daughter to walk.  Coaching on safety, boundaries and defensive measures should serve you/her well:

• Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best (give your daughter some coaching on avoiding possible situations)
• If they publish a sex-offenders list, keep in touch with it.
• You don't want to be too strict, but make sure that your daughter doesn't wear attire that is too provocative.
• Coach her to be aware of strangers asking for directions - ignore them and get out of their way
• If you encounter a vehicle coming in/out of a parking lot driveway (and they block your walking path on a sidewalk), give them a wide birth and walk around the vehicle in a safe manner (Generally, walking behind and around the vehicle has worked best for me.
• Take note of the day of the week and the time of day.  Some problems, might be more apt to occur at certain days/times
• Be aware of who is around you at all times
• Do not be preoccupied with you cell phone (it can place you in a vulnerable or unsafe situation)
• If she uses headphones, get her compact over-ear type and keep the volume down (no in-ear headphones).  (Is important that you stay aware, who is heading towards you?  Who is behind you?)
• Sometime you have to profile.  If a group of males heading towards you could possibly be gang members, proactively avoid them.  When my dog alerted me that someone was behind us at 5:00 a.m. in the morning, I generally walked over to the other side of the street (unless it was obvious it was a jogger or someone appearing to walk towards the major hwy to catch a bus.)  There were many times when the dog was aware someone was behind us before I was

I agree with Thunderstruck, many of us walked long distances to school, road bicycles and skateboarded in our neighborhoods, without fear.  You don't want to make your daughter paranoid, but some street safety coaching is a good lesson for anyone.  Hope you work it out with your Ex.  Could you use some app/device to track your daughter when she is walking?
 

[Breakingfree9]

Things are very different in the Midwest than in California. I don't live near a major highway or any of the other things that you mention.

I appreciate the thoughts. Yes, she has a cell phone. Yes, I've told her not to wear headphones. Yes, I've told her not to look down at her phone the whole time she's walking. Yes, I've told her not to talk to strangers... .even if they're asking to pet the dog. Just say, "Sorry, I'm in a hurry."

It's hard to get to a discussion about boundaries when the ex-wife says, "there is no way I'm agreeing to any of this. She cannot walk alone." So it is when dealing with a BPD.

[david]

Did BPD mom bring this up to daughter. If so, then I would suggest that maybe you have a talk with d12 and mention that mom raised concerns with you too. Listen to what d12 says and then handle it how you think best. If you believe d12 could walk on her own I would go with that and just reinforce that she needs to be aware of her surroundings.
I had court ordered co parent counseling. Ex disagrees with anything I suggest and that became apparent early on. The counselor said, in a non threatening way to ex, that what goes on in my house, provided I am not breaking any laws, is what goes on in my house and the same goes for ex.
I still get emails telling me what I am doing wrong. I rarely reply since most of the time she has no idea what is going on in my house.
When our oldest turned 9 I let him sit in the front passenger seat of my car. Ex found out and threatened to take me to court. I had already talked to the police, believing ex would make this an issue, and they told me the rule in our state was 8 and 80, at least 8 years old and at least 80 pounds. He exceeded both. I got nasty emails for several weeks. The first email I simply replied that she should talk to the police or her attorney. I didn't reply to any more emails about it.
It is a parental decision and you are a parent.

[Panda39]

breakingfree9,

I agree with the others teaching your daughter to be aware some "street smarts" is good.  I also agree that in middle school she should start being a bit more independent.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with her riding her bike to a friends house or walking to school I would just have her check in via her cell-phone or text.

I'm with Gagrl... .why do you have to do what your ex-wife wants to do in your household?  Yes, the two of you coming to an agreement might be best but if you can't does that mean you have to live like you're still married?  I don't think so.  It is important that you as the mentally healthy parent demonstrate a mentally healthy way of living to your daughter.  Infantizing your daughter or creating fear and anxiety, or creating dependency are not healthy behaviors for your daughter and you recognize that.

If I were you... .Your rules at your house and mom's rules at her house.

Panda39

[catclaw]

Hey there!

We had a similar Problem. When SS9 came to live with us he was scared of lots of Things. He goes to School with a Group of 6-12 other Kids, they meet Close to our house and walk together. When BPDm found out that SS isn't being taken to School by car (something the School tries to avoid by all means because the street is narrow and parents tend to park recklessly when in a hurry), the next Thing she did was googling for child abduction articles and Videos, showing them to SS and telling him that a fair amount of all of them happened in our town. Additional fun fact (according to BPDm): Our town only had one trained Police dog to search for the abducted kids' corpses and this particular dog is going to retire REALLY soon. SS became really fearful but denied to tell us what happened. Then one day it broke out of him and he told us all that he had been shown by BPDm. DH confronted her via E-Mail and she said something like "yeah, sure, if the kid has to walk all by himself to School, he has to be taught the risks and i took this as an opportunity to teach him for once that Walking alone isn't safe for someone his age". Again, he walks 5 mins to the Meeting Point. I've known this neighborhood all my life. I see him leaving until the next Corner where he picks up a classmate and they go the rest together. From his Classmate's window, the other parents see them. At the Meeting Point, there are other parents. But BPDm insists that SS walks all on his own in the dark and doesn't believe anything else.
Speaking of terrorists, this is SS' newest fear. Whenever he sees or hears a helicopter, he starty panicking and hides, sometimes he even cries. Again, he didn't want to say why until one day he told us: Mom said that in every helicopter there is a Terrorist disguised as a refugee and throwing bombs at innocent citizens. I know that SS tends to mix up stuff and im sure this is not exactly what BPDm said, but why does an adult Person have to fuel hatred and fear in an innocent child? Last winter, it was the refugees' fault that BPDm didn't take SS to the skiing Holidays she promised.

We encouraged SS to keep going to the Meeting Point and took measures for him to be safe. When SS is sick, I make sure to inform the other parents so they don't wait for him. If he didn't Show up, I would be informed. We left it at this.

SS' therapist once said "all you can do is keeping the damage at the lowest Level possible" - in this case, encouraging SS, being empathetic, explaining Things and trying to rationalize the fears his mother Projects on him. . SS is keen on explanations. At times we even said "this is mom's fear, it doesn't have to be yours. Can you try to leave it at her place?"

[GaGrl]

My DH's ex ( uNPD/BPD) instilled fear into their two children. They were never, NEVER, allowed to sleep over at a friend's house - this was all about potential child molestation. Who knows what of her own history she brought into it?

DH's daughter, especially, became fearful. She struggled for years in certain functions that should have been normal adult activities - driving more than a trip to the neighborhood grocery, etc. It took having her own daughter for her to decide not to rear a fearful child. Still, she has to buffer the granddaughter from grandmother's directives on how she should parent. And of course, she is told regularly that she is a Bad Mother. My SD is 36years old and just now coming in to her own independence.

I see having rules and guidelines that are appropriate for the neighborhood/area. But your house is your house, and Ex's house is Ex's house - and you don't need her dictating life at your house. Who needs to walk on eggshells when she doesn't even live in the house where she wants to scatter the eggshells?

[livednlearned]

Have you tried SET with her? Support, Empathy, Truth.

It's a valid fear to worry about your child's safety. What isn't valid is protecting your child to the point of stifling them.

A SET statement might be:

S: You love D and want her to be safe.
E: It's scary to think that our D could be hurt.
T: Fortunately, we live in a safe neighborhood and D has her head on her shoulders. I'll talk to her about ways to stay safe so we know she'll have a good head on her shoulders when she goes to college on her own. This will be great practice.

Maybe you come up with a compromise: D learns to text when she leaves and when she gets back. To you, not to her mom.

Remember, with BPD you have boundaries, and these are things you have control of. BPD mom is driven by needs that are insatiable, she has no boundaries and it's your job to provide them. That means she will likely keep up with these fears, and you have to keep up with the boundary. You don't have to engage her every time she mentions it unless you feel that validation works with her and you want to practice the skill. Often, our kids need validation so practicing the skills helps them too.

Having confidence in your D is going to go a long way. She may inherit learned helplessness without your belief that she is capable of taking care of herself.

Me, I would like for my son to communicate his whereabouts by cell phone, and he's notoriously bad at remembering to text me. Maybe you can start a good routine with D if you get things going now.