In sickness and in health

[Isaih]

23 years ago, I very vowed to "care for my wife "in sickness and in health".  Today,  I am struggling if I can still honor that vow. Choosing the right path for me, "Julie" and our children is a terrible delimma.

Julie falls somewhere on the BPD spectrum.  During the first 3 years of our marriage, she was a positive, productive, professional person.  We had large circle of close friends, two loving families and a great life. Looking back, there were signs that she struggled with her mental health, but her early emotional conflicts were outwardly focused and our marriage was happy and loving. 

Julie had lived through a difficult childhood.  When she was about 7 or 8 her father developed late stage schizophrenia.  His illness resulted in total estrangement from her family. Her stay-at-home mom was suddenly forced to work around the clock to keep the family going and Julie, at age 10 or 11,d was suddenly parent to her little brother and in charge of keeping the house running. Still, she seemed to have weathered this difficult life well.  Before we married, I even asked my dad, who is a psychologist, if he had any concerns.  He had none.

Julie and I were partners.  I fully supported her through her many work conflicts and issues with her family.  After our 2 kids were born, she began a slow 20-year slide towards dysfunction. The stress of being a full-time working mom took its toll and she eventually lost her professional job. For 17 years she has sought full-time work, but with her manic behavior she could not even keep part-time jobs.  Complicating matters Julie has had a series of health issues requiring frequent operations and care-giving.

I was like the parable of the frog in the cooking pot, who doesn't notice the slowly rising temperature until it's too late.  As Julie struggled, I picked up the slack.  I became the sole breadwinner and do the majority of the house work, including caring for our children.  I did not mind.  I was raised in a family where everyone worked as a team to get things done. But after about 10 years, I was exhausted from managing Julie's emotional outbursts and keeping our lives afloat. Without work to complain about, Julie's anger turned towards me and the kids.  I was the "unsupportive husband."  The kids were the reason she lost her job.  She hated my successful career and despised how I garnered the positive attention of friends and family.  Julie was busy all day, but accomplished little.  Soon every room in the house was covered in piles of projects for things she would do one day. She could go from kind, calm and loving to crying and raging all night.  You never knew what would set her off.

I knew something was wrong, but I was also certain someone could help us.  One day, I gently approached the topic with Julie and asked if we could work together to get her help.  For Julie, it was the most horrible thing I could have ever said to her.  On that day, when it came to her mental health, she considered me her enemy. 

For years, Julie refused all treatment, until her emotions became so out of control that she finally  relented to medication.  She tried therapy a few times, but eventually the therapists also "turned on her" and she left. As our marriage fell apart, we tried marriage counseling. Julie believed me to be such a con artist that I conspired with the therapist to turn on her.  This went on for years.  Last August, I finally sought out a counselor to help me process this terrible situation.  With therapy, I began setting firm boundaries about how Julie treated me.  So, she turned on our eldest daughter. 

Our children are now young adults.  As they grew, I was worried about them but it seemed they were coping in our dysfunctional household. They both have been exceptional kids.  Two years ago, my eldest started college. That's when things started falling apart.  Our eldest  began showing signs of deep depression and anxiety.  She lost interest in school and moved home.  Julie and my daughter engage in daily power struggles.  Then, when my resilient younger 15-year old finally came to me say,":)ad I can't do this any more.  I can't live with mom." did I finally become resolved to ask for a separation.  Julie refused.  So, I said she had to either get intensive treatment or I was going to leave and the girls would come with me. 

Under protest, Julie agreed and started getting DBT therapy and proper medications. We have 7 therapists working with our family, with Julie seeing 5 of the 7.   For a while, she got much better, but then the medications began causing all sorts of other issues.  It's now been 9 months.  In many ways she is better.  The all night screaming jags have ended.  But she still goes from calm into attack mode at some point almost every day.  My girls are now totally estranged from their mom.  My oldest will not even acknowledge her.  My youngest hides in her room all day and gives only one word answers to Julie's questions. 

I'm exhausted and seriously contemplating ending our marriage. Our eldest is 20 and can make her own choices, but our youngest is 16 and would certainly have to live at least part time with Julie.  Without me to buffer, it could get even more ugly and I worry about the emotional damage to my youngest.  And I also worry about Julie.  Believe or not, I still love her. At 50, with her mental and physical health issues, she is likely unemployable and would lose the quality medical and psychological care she gets through my insurance. It's likely her health will spiral downward.  If there was any hope this would get better I would hang in there. But I suspect my life will be spent dealing with Julie in sickness not health.  I am faced with the choice of honoring my vows, but sacrificing my own happiness, or leaving her and causing certain damage to us all.  I hope others can give me some insight.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hlinthewiking]

I almost feel bad saying this, but it's posts like this that make me feel better. I don't say this because your situation is worse then mine, but because I can see that I'm not alone, you are also not alone and we are not alone.

You are struggling with the same dilemma that I do. I know I can be happier without my partner, but the thought that she's suffering and that she will be worse without me, make me feel bad about leaving her.

The thing is, we only have one life, you already did a lot by enduring this long, thankfully your children are getting to a good age and you will be there to support them, you will need to decide if you want to stay or leave, know that the healthier decision for you and your kids would probably be to leave, but even though I know all this, it's not any easier for me.

Your kids are not safe either way you choose. If you stay you will be leaving a message to them that that kind of relationship is normal and viable, that is unhealthy. If you leave her they may feel guilty in the future and I would try to emphasize the high rate of suicide on BPD. Either way, I would sit down and have a serious talk with your kids to let them know what BPD is and to let them know that this is not a healthy and normal relationship and that their mother loves them very much even though all these bad things happen, she is sick, it's not her fault.

I would attempt to contact her friends and show her the most support, and after what you described I think she has a bit more or maybe even not BPD, definitely cluster B and it could be BPD, but maybe not alone. What catches my eye the most is that you took so long to see these changes and that they affect her work relations so much, in my experience BPD affects more people that their are very close, sometimes not even a BPD sufferer's best friend has a clue he has a personality disorder.

[Icanteven]

23 years ago, I very vowed to "care for my wife "in sickness and in health".  Today,  I am struggling if I can still honor that vow.

I made the same vow.  In fact, it was so important to my wife that, despite being together for what felt like forever, we finally made it official at her dogged insistence.  She left less than a year later.  I wouldn't have stood in the church and made those vows had I not sincerely meant them, so I struggle with this mightily too. 

Julie falls somewhere on the BPD spectrum.  During the first 3 years of our marriage, she was a positive, productive, professional person.  We had large circle of close friends, two loving families and a great life. Looking back, there were signs that she struggled with her mental health, but her early emotional conflicts were outwardly focused and our marriage was happy and loving.  Julie and I were partners.  I fully supported her through her many work conflicts and issues with her family.  After our 2 kids were born, she began a slow 20-year slide towards dysfunction. The stress of being a full-time working mom took its toll and she eventually lost her professional job.

Substitute "marriage" with relationship and I have the exact same story, at least at the outset.  Known mental health issue that was being aggressively, successfully managed.  Wife was a rising star.  Huge circle of friends.  Big, blended families and a great life.  Traveled the world.  Built a family.  But, my wife's descent into the throws of her illness didn't take 20 years; it didn't even take 20 weeks.   
 

I was like the parable of the frog in the cooking pot, who doesn't notice the slowly rising temperature until it's too late.  As Julie struggled, I picked up the slack.  I became the sole breadwinner and do the majority of the house work, including caring for our children.  I did not mind.  I was raised in a family where everyone worked as a team to get things done. But after about 10 years, I was exhausted from managing Julie's emotional outbursts and keeping our lives afloat. Without work to complain about, Julie's anger turned towards me and the kids.  I was the "unsupportive husband."  The kids were the reason she lost her job.  She hated my successful career and despised how I garnered the positive attention of friends and family.  Julie was busy all day, but accomplished little.  Soon every room in the house was covered in piles of projects for things she would do one day.

Wow.  Shorten the time frame (and your spouse's alias) and I could have written this word for word.  Once she lost her job, it fell on me to be the sole breadwinner - at a high paying but incredibly stressful job that often requires long hours - as well as the cook, the housekeeper, the caregiver for both my wife and children, and the one who took responsibility for virtually all the day-to-day challenges that go with being an adult, only for both of us.  Worse, even the slightest failure or misstep was met with accusations that I didn't really love her, that I wasn't supporting her, and/or that I was doing things on purpose to sabotage our marriage/her therapy/her career (that had been completely derailed by her illnesses), etc.  I didn't bring home a form she had emailed me late one evening - a form I would bring home the next day since I didn't even know she had emailed it to me given that I was getting ready to come home when she emailed it to me - and I was accused actively undermining her treatment plan and only paying lip-service to her well-being.  That's one of dozens of examples.

I'm exhausted and seriously contemplating ending our marriage. Our eldest is 20 and can make her own choices, but our youngest is 16 and would certainly have to live at least part time with Julie.  Without me to buffer, it could get even more ugly and I worry about the emotional damage to my youngest.  And I also worry about Julie.  Believe or not, I still love her. At 50, with her mental and physical health issues, she is likely unemployable and would lose the quality medical and psychological care she gets through my insurance. It's likely her health will spiral downward.  If there was any hope this would get better I would hang in there. But I suspect my life will be spent dealing with Julie in sickness not health.  I am faced with the choice of honoring my vows, but sacrificing my own happiness, or leaving her and causing certain damage to us all.  I hope others can give me some insight.

I wish I had something helpful to say here.  I can tell you that I'm now a single dad raising the children grieving the loss of my wife and their mother, but when I read your story, it's almost like the Ghost of Xmas Future and it leaves me wondering if this could have been me given another decade+.  If your youngest is in high school, can s/he not choose where she wants to live at this point?  Could it be amicable enough that s/he lives with you full time and visits with your wife? 

What an impossible situation to be in.  I too still love my wife and wonder if she'll ever get well, so I can empathize with you at least somewhat.  It's an incredible story, and it's a testament to you that your love for your spouse and family keeps you going.

[badknees1]

Hello Isaih, I am a fellow vow keeper. We made these vows to our new spouses. Who could know at that time what the future would bring. BPD was there, buried deep inside our loved one's brain awaiting the time or trigger to afflict him or her. The frog in the boiling pot is a very good metaphor. But we are not cooked yet. You and I still have a choice to stay or leave. I chose to stay, but I know I need a ton of support to keep my vow and you probably do too. Find a support group, maybe a NAMI group to go to regularly. If you have a supportive friend, lean on that person and share your feelings. I have also found a lot of BPD videos on Youtube. Some of these are not well done but there are some which are excellent.  You'll know the good ones, they stand out. Search and read all you can about BPD and relationships with BPD sufferers. Take full advantage of this website too. You have to find a way to get stronger and finish the marriage marathon. Ours is a particularly hard marathon with steep hills and a long stretch before the finish line. But you can make it because you are already strong having made it this far. You might be exhausted or "hitting the wall" as they say. There is help to stay the course and live a full life and help your wife. That marraige vow you made years ago was also one you made to yourself and you can be proud you stuck it out this far. We have to take care of ourselves first then, as much as we can, help our spouse. That is another vow we can make to ourselves, today and every day.

[ArleighBurke]

I think it's a common dilema on this site.

You are essentially balancing your happiness against hers. If you stay, she will be slightly happy you are with her, but she'll still be overall unhappy. And so will you. If you leave, your happiness will increase a lot, but she will probably still be unhappy.

I'm not sure what country you live in, but I would expect a 16yr old to be able to choose what parent they live with.

So if you take the kids out of the equation, why are you staying? That may be a question you need to spend time reflecting on. My hunch is obligation (because you "should" - til death do us part) or fear of being alone (or fear of a different life), or the hope that things will get better and go back to the way they were. But that's for you to find out... .

[waverider]

Often dedication and stepping in eases us into greater roles as caretaker. Increasing this holds off crisis. However, it often takes a crisis to turn things around and wash away delusion.

The longer it goes on the more dysfunction is consolidated and the more scary it is for those involved to strip back, as it is all they know. Even if you can get rid of the traits there is no whole lifetime of "normal" experiences to fall back on. This leaves a dysfunction scar, as we are all products of our lifetimes experiences.

It is often the case with BPD that early development is covered up by family and partners, partly to hide it, and partly to protect. Especially in days gone by when mental illness was less understood and accompanied by greater shame.

It may take your leaving, or at least willingness to leave, to actually create a change even at the risk of total collapse. I doubt it can be done with gentle massaging.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Sorry for your struggles, I know these feelings.  You must feel like the walls are closing in and I get it!  There is but one reason I am in my relationship with my BPDw and that is my three children, 11, 9, and 5.  It was a conscious choice and one that I am truly ok with.  Otherwise I would have hit the road long, long ago and if things don't get better, I probably will a decade from now.  Your situation is nearing where I might be in a decade or so.  You are 50 and your kids very soon will be on their own if the older one isn't already.  I can see being loyal to a degree and continuing to make sure she is taken care of being that she is the mother of your children for sure.  I think you have options that I for one wouldn't discount at all, but if remaining in the relationship is a choice you plan to make, please make sure you don't delude yourself about what that life will look like.

[Lighthouse777]

I understand what you are going through.  I have been married for over 30 years and have two grown children.  One of them has completely disowned me and his mother.  My wife has BPD and I have chosen to stay and offer love and support even though it is difficult.  My youngest son thinks I have put her over my love for him and he has stopped all contact with me.  I have not physically seen him in over two years even though he lives in the same town as me.  It is a heavy price that we spouses pay when we decided to "love and honor in sickness and in health"  I took those vows seriously and I hope one day my kids will understand.  I am really worried about my youngest.  He has similar traits like my wife, his mother.  Not sure if there is a solution.  I pray a lot and hope for the best.  I wish my wife understood what cost there is in staying and supporting.  We have not been intimate in over 6 years and that is usually torture for me, but I bear it and keep going on.  Hang in there.  My oldest son thinks I have been a great father.  He keeps me going and gives me hope.  I wish everyone knew how much I love my family.  This is hard.

[waverider]

Welcome lighthouse777

My wife has BPD and I have chosen to stay and offer love and support even though it is difficult.  My youngest son thinks I have put her over my love for him and he has stopped all contact with me.  I have not physically seen him in over two years even though he lives in the same town as me. 

This is an important point you raise here. Would you like to start a fresh topic to introduce yourself and further discuss this aspect?

Waverider

[Isaih]

An update... .

My conflicted life continued.  "Julie" had demonstrated absolute perfect behavior for the last 10 days. Why was I even considering leaving her, I wondered?

Tonight, while checking our bank balances, I noticed that our VISA cards had been tapped out over two days to the tune of $20,000.  As I rushed on the phone to get the cards shut down, "Julie" confessed that she was responsible for taking the money.  She had given an attorney $10,000 and filed for divorce.  All of this took place in front of our 20 year old daughter.

Her good behavior was only a sham to clean out our bank accounts.  I was duped.  But now, my conscience is clear.  Our marriage is over.  I no longer need to feel any remorse or guilt.  I am numb, but think this is probably the very best possible thing that could have happened and I can begin a new life with my kids.  Thank you to all those who responded to my initial post.  I felt less alone.  I pray your lives might be filled with peace, regardless of what you decide.