Happy to have found this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello, I'm so relieved to have found this board. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have 3 children together. I have just in the past couple of years started to realize that he has BPD (not officially diagnosed). On the one hand, he can be wise, patient, loving, caring, fun, he's super smart, but he has never been able to hold a job (ends up getting fired (usually) or quitting). He is from another country, so I have always attributed much of his work behavior to cultural differences, or him feeling like he doesn't quite fit in here, or wanting to do something "bigger" internationally rather than working a 9-5 job like the rest of us. For the first 10 years or so, he worked enough, and had business collaborations overseas, and I was always hopeful that something stable and permanent would come of it. But nothing ever did. About 7 years ago he was substitute teaching and was fired due to his reaction to being told what to do by a secretary at one of the schools. At that point I really lost hope in his ability to find the right path in terms of a job/career. Soon after he was called overseas to work in a family business. It did that for 1.5 years, and was fairly successful at it, although his temper often caused problems, but had to come back because of a death in the family. That was 3 years ago and since then life has been hell. He says he'll look for work, then doesn't, or does but barely. Then he gets angry and says he hates it here and doesn't want to stay in this country. He spends 80% of his waking hours on the computer reading international news and posting comments. He says it's his way of making a contribution to the war that is happening in his homeland (he believes by posting these comments his is swaying political leaders and the public).

The situation with our children is the most hard. We all feel like we are walking on eggshells, never sure what we are going to do that will cause him to chide us, blow up, insult. It might only happen once a week. Since he is home all the time, is super controlling. He is by nature a person who is always trying to give advice. At home, if the kids don't take it, then he interprets that as disrespecting him. He often blames me, saying that I have created an atmosphere where the kids don't respect him, with my "American ways."

Our oldest daughter is his "golden child," and he attributes that to her going to religious school thru the end of middle school. He loves our other two kids, and is great with the most of the time, but it's like he harbors this anger that can pop up at anytime. For example, if he wants to go for a walk after dinner and none of the kids do, he'll say some biting comment like "fine, just rot your brain on your electronics" and then storm out of the house. When he comes back, everything will be fine. I try to tell him to do things with the kids that THEY want to do, and he occasionally will, but never keeps momentum on stuff like that. It has gotten to the point where the kids don't want to do things with him anyway because of the way he has to control things and gets mad if they disagree. If he takes them to the movies and they show their feelings about wanting to buy a pop there instead of him bringing in juice boxes for them, he'll get mad at them. He also has frequent road rage and conflicts with clerks in stores, another reason they would rather not do things with him. If I try to talk to him about this, he always comes back to the same belief that they don't listen and respect him, and that it's my fault because I do things the American way and I send them messages that it's ok not to listen to dad.

He is very religious, and although this is an issue because I am not and he doesn't want to hear other opinions (especially if those opinions will influence the kids--but ironically he is very open minded and accepting about all religions), I do think that his deep faith and adherence to his beliefs has had a positive impact on his behavior. He has made us all better people by emphasizing taking care of others, treating our neighbors kindly, taking care of family and elderly, not saying bad things about people, etc. He also prays regularly, sometimes when he is upset, and I can tell that he is doing it to try to calm himself down and get centered.

We separated a couple years ago and he agreed to go to counseling, but then changed his mind. I have never told him I think he has BPD. There is a wonderful, comprehensive DBT program in our city, and my hope is to somehow figure out a way to get him to go there. I feel a bit beaten down by the years of dealing with him, and am not sure if I have the energy and skill to do whatever it would take to get him to go. At the same time, in the past when I have tried ultimatums, he turns into a raging, irrational, angry person, and won't come around unless I approach with a soft, conciliatory tone. I have been pretty miserable for the past few years, and feel that something needs to change pretty soon.

I feel like I've left out so many details, that maybe I need to show more "proof" of his behavior. Thanks for listening, and any feedback would be wonderful.

[a2Lula]

Hello, I'm so relieved to have found this board. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have 3 children together. I have just in the past couple of years started to realize that he has BPD (not officially diagnosed). On the one hand, he can be wise, patient, loving, caring, fun, he's super smart, but he has never been able to hold a job (ends up getting fired (usually) or quitting). He is from another country, so I have always attributed much of his work behavior to cultural differences, or him feeling like he doesn't quite fit in here, or wanting to do something "bigger" internationally rather than working a 9-5 job like the rest of us. For the first 10 years or so, he worked enough, and had business collaborations overseas, and I was always hopeful that something stable and permanent would come of it. But nothing ever did. About 7 years ago he was substitute teaching and was fired due to his reaction to being told what to do by a secretary at one of the schools. At that point I really lost hope in his ability to find the right path in terms of a job/career. Soon after he was called overseas to work in a family business. It did that for 1.5 years, and was fairly successful at it, although his temper often caused problems, but had to come back because of a death in the family. That was 3 years ago and since then life has been hell. He says he'll look for work, then doesn't, or does but barely. Then he gets angry and says he hates it here and doesn't want to stay in this country. He spends 80% of his waking hours on the computer reading international news and posting comments. He says it's his way of making a contribution to the war that is happening in his homeland (he believes by posting these comments his is swaying political leaders and the public).

The situation with our children is the most hard. We all feel like we are walking on eggshells, never sure what we are going to do that will cause him to chide us, blow up, insult. It might only happen once a week. Since he is home all the time, is super controlling. He is by nature a person who is always trying to give advice. At home, if the kids don't take it, then he interprets that as disrespecting him. He often blames me, saying that I have created an atmosphere where the kids don't respect him, with my "American ways."

Our oldest daughter is his "golden child," and he attributes that to her going to religious school thru the end of middle school. He loves our other two kids, and is great with the most of the time, but it's like he harbors this anger that can pop up at anytime. For example, if he wants to go for a walk after dinner and none of the kids do, he'll say some biting comment like "fine, just rot your brain on your electronics" and then storm out of the house. When he comes back, everything will be fine. I try to tell him to do things with the kids that THEY want to do, and he occasionally will, but never keeps momentum on stuff like that. It has gotten to the point where the kids don't want to do things with him anyway because of the way he has to control things and gets mad if they disagree. If he takes them to the movies and they show their feelings about wanting to buy a pop there instead of him bringing in juice boxes for them, he'll get mad at them. He also has frequent road rage and conflicts with clerks in stores, another reason they would rather not do things with him. If I try to talk to him about this, he always comes back to the same belief that they don't listen and respect him, and that it's my fault because I do things the American way and I send them messages that it's ok not to listen to dad.

He is very religious, and although this is an issue because I am not and he doesn't want to hear other opinions (especially if those opinions will influence the kids--but ironically he is very open minded and accepting about all religions), I do think that his deep faith and adherence to his beliefs has had a positive impact on his behavior. He has made us all better people by emphasizing taking care of others, treating our neighbors kindly, taking care of family and elderly, not saying bad things about people, etc. He also prays regularly, sometimes when he is upset, and I can tell that he is doing it to try to calm himself down and get centered.

We separated a couple years ago and he agreed to go to counseling, but then changed his mind. I have never told him I think he has BPD. There is a wonderful, comprehensive DBT program in our city, and my hope is to somehow figure out a way to get him to go there. I feel a bit beaten down by the years of dealing with him, and am not sure if I have the energy and skill to do whatever it would take to get him to go. At the same time, in the past when I have tried ultimatums, he turns into a raging, irrational, angry person, and won't come around unless I approach with a soft, conciliatory tone. I have been pretty miserable for the past few years, and feel that something needs to change pretty soon.

I feel like I've left out so many details, that maybe I need to show more "proof" of his behavior. Thanks for listening, and any feedback would be wonderful.

[Turkish]

Hi an2Lula,



It sounds like there are quite a few dynamics at play here,  and an inter cultural relationship certainly can have its own struggle. While there may be some validity to the concept of fatherly authority, it doesn't sound like he can grasp how to do it due to his dysregulation.  Acting pouty or childish undermines his role,  but he's unable to see that,  and rather blames you/kids/society/etc. That he has trouble in his relationships back in his home country does sound indicative of something going on.  How much is normal male behavior in his home culture  you would know more of,  but at the end of the day,  you and the kids are where you are. In my Ex's home culture,  you don't defy the father (or eldest male like grandpa) no matter what; you just obey. 

How old are the kids,  and what do you discuss between you regarding their father?

Turkish