Why does he accuse me of being controlling?

[Kimtexas43]

This thread hit home with me. I am forever being accused of being controlling in response to things I say or do that are not controlling in the least bit. I am frequently left confused by this allegation by my husband, who seems to be a textbook case of having this disorder.  I'm so glad I'm not alone!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[jrharvey]

I am often accused of being controlling as well. My girlfriend wants the login to my email and facebook, browser history, GPS coordinates at all time, pictures of where I go every time, stops me from hanging out with friends or family and tries to tell me which friends are ok to talk to and not. She will not admit she is controlling but even though I do none of these things she says I am controlling. LOL.

[waverider]

It is more about them not perceiving themselves as in control. Apply black and white thinking to this must then mean you are in control, or at least responsible for them not being in control. Ergo it is your fault. You are depriving them of control. Whether it is true or not is of no matter.

This is not about you it is about them.

"What should I do?" followed by ":)ont tell me what I should do".

If your answer to the this question is "I would do XYZ" It becomes about you and perceived as controlling. If you answer ":)o you think XYZ might work? What do you reckon?' It stays about them and is validating their input.

[william3693]

I have found that I was blind to many of my behaviors which were controlling.
Anytime you do or say anything and expect a certain response it is controlling behavior
and people will pick up on it and usually not like it.

[jrharvey]

I have found that I was blind to many of my behaviors which were controlling.
Anytime you do or say anything and expect a certain response it is controlling behavior
and people will pick up on it and usually not like it.

Ok this is a big problem for me. Your right. For example. Last night I asked my GF if wants me to cook seared tuna and she was excited about it. Said it sounded great. So I went and got all the stuff came home and when she got home she was acting like she didnt want it. She changed her mind and didnt want fish. In my head I was really upset and dissapointed I just wasted $25 on fish i cant use.

I thought of 2 options. 1 I could tell her Im going to cook the fish anyways because she said she wanted it and just listen to her b___ and moan and groan. Option 2 was to tell her Id go with her to the store so she can buy a steak or something. I chose option 2 and all was good. I expected her to be happy when she got home but I guess I have to expect the unexpected all the time. She could also tell I didnt like what she said even though I tried really hard not to show it. It bothered me even more when she kept asking whats wrong? Whats wrong? Whats bothering you? What are you so quiet about?

[william3693]

JR

I have found that my gf reads my moods very well.
There have been many times when she asks what is wrong and I will say nothing
but there is something.I just do not want to go there.
I think the best way is not to put myself in that mood ,easier said than done.

In your example I think I would have fixed the fish and let her choose whether she wanted
to eat it or not.I had a similar situation this weekend and she seemed to accept it well.

I find not knowing what to expect one of the more difficult things to deal with.

I think the hardest one is that my thoughts change with my mood.
One day I think a certain way is the best the next day I may think the opposite.

My first wife was poster child for BPH.I divorced her and did not look back.

The only time I ever think of her is when I am depressed.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I have found that I was blind to many of my behaviors which were controlling.
Anytime you do or say anything and expect a certain response it is controlling behavior
and people will pick up on it and usually not like it.

I think it is very uncommon for someone to be totally emotionally healthy and be married to someone with BPD.  There were reasons we all attracted someone like that into our lives in the first place, usually because we were subconsciously trying to recreate a familiar childhood in some way.  Nearly all of us here are co-dependent to one level or another and co-dependents are nearly always controlling in their own way, but not as blatant as someone with BPD.  Saying things or doing things in order to get a certain response is fear-based motivation and is most definitely passive aggressive and controlling.

[waverider]

I thought of 2 options. 1 I could tell her Im going to cook the fish anyways because she said she wanted it and just listen to her b___ and moan and groan. Option 2 was to tell her Id go with her to the store so she can buy a steak or something. I chose option 2 and all was good.

option 3. cook the fish for yourself and let her fix something for herself without you being judgmental of it. Otherwise she is controlling you, and you are validating her lack of consideration inherent with changing her mind (Diva mindset). Be very wary of pandering to impulse.

This change of mind over meals is a big issue in our house. Hence I always prepare or make small portions so that i can just have a big meal if she changes her mind. Typically she will make a request then at last minute just decide to have a bowl of cereal.

All hell would break loose if you pulled that stunt on her.

[Herodias]

Projection... .I used to just agree with him. No point in arguing.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Projection is an epidemic worldwide and not just common in the world of BPD.  It is sourced from our Ego's which is really nothing more than our own perception of ourselves.  The Ego is constantly trying to maintain the image of ourselves that it wants to see and therefore projection is a tool that helps that to occur.  If the Ego uses control, and if the Ego can't deal with that reality, it has no other choice but to unload(project) that behavior onto another person.  None of it is even personal, but man is it hard to deal with if you don't already have a strong sense of self.  When my wife commonly refers to my "disgusting behavior" I try and depersonalize it because I know that is her Ego trying to unload that reality of her behavior onto me. 

[waverider]

Most personality disorder traits are extensions of human traits, just taken to dysfunctional and often toxic extremes.

Hence learning about disorders we learn a lot about ourselves and human behaviors in general.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Teaching is learning and I've seen myself grow through helping others.  Waverider has taught me volumes through his experiences as well as teaching others.  I see it as an ethical obligation to help our fellow men and women in these situations.  It is all part of the law of giving and receiving.  Thanks Waverider.