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Author Topic: I messed up. Sent my stbx and nasty email.  (Read 489 times)
Wize
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« on: July 05, 2016, 06:08:17 PM »

I have to have all the final documents for the divorce signed and notarized.  Wife said we should go into court together and sign them.

I sent her this:

"You’re so generous.  I’m giving you half of a ranch, you’re giving me 30 days of insurance.  And I don’t want to go in and sign them with you because I never want to see you again because you’re a liar and a cheater and mentally ill and easily the worst person I’ve ever come across in my life.  Which is exactly why no one in your family or anyone from your past wants anything to do with you. You constantly need new friends and new romantic partners because you trash them so quickly.  Rinse and repeat.  And to think, I actually thought your exes and your family and ex-friends were the ones to blame.  What a joke.  You’re a nasty, abusive person with borderline personality disorder.  When I sign these papers I want you to never contact me or my family again.  We don’t want toxic people like you around, no one does.  And I promise you, you will never hear from me again."

Now I feel bad.  I shouldn't have sent this.  Dang it!
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Herodias
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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2016, 06:23:20 PM »

Yea... .you shouldn't of, but you did. I have done a few myself... .The last one implying he wasn't very smart and then he got a lawyer. Don't do it again, at least until after your divorce. You can get them angry and make it worse on yourself. Plus, mine always threaten to file harassment charges on me. You don't know how bad I want to send him an email with the law about sending someone to jail if they don't pay what they are supposed to pay! He is dragging his feet again. Plus, I jut got sent a bill for $244 from his old employer to my lawyer for subpoenaing his work records! Ridiculous! He should have to pay for this- not me! I am not the one taking myself to court! I am so angry... .but I have learned to be quiet. You have to... .Fake nice- kill them with kindness. If she starts to act out, you are going to have to apologize... .you will pay for it in the divorce if you are not careful... . 
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Wize
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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2016, 06:26:15 PM »

I've spent the entire day vacillating between anger and sadness.  I want to hurt her and want to hold her.  I hate this conflict inside me.  I hate what she did to me.  I love her and I hate her and I've never felt this way before.  what the f#$k did this person do to me.  crying and screaming.  I need to gain some composure.
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Herodias
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2016, 06:38:44 PM »

I've spent the entire day vacillating between anger and sadness.  I want to hurt her and want to hold her.  I hate this conflict inside me.  I hate what she did to me.  I love her and I hate her and I've never felt this way before.  what the f#$k did this person do to me.  crying and screaming.  I need to gain some composure.

I understand your pain... .it's terrible. They just are not in it like we were. They don't allow themselves to get close in deep way like we do I believe. They compartmentalize. When they feel the gig is up and they can not fool you anymore, they have to move on or face the shame of who they think they are and that's too painful to deal with... .so off they go- not to see us anymore so they can forget about the pain they caused us. They manipulated us... .that is what happened. Focus on the part of the letter where you said she is the worst person you ever met in your life. Do you believe that? I do about mine... .Love and hate are closely linked I have always heard. Indifference is the place to be... .but that is a long way away. Did you have to be separated very long in your state to get divorced? Have you had time to grieve?
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Wize
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2016, 06:46:45 PM »

We've been separated for about 2 months.  I left.  I filed right after I left. So, I guess I've had about 2 months to grieve.  I thought I was doing pretty good but this recent interaction with her and finality of it all is really hitting me hard.  The pain is much more acute now than it has been.  I hope this doesn't last for too much longer.  I'm hurting pretty good right now.  I guess when I left and filed, the reality that the relationship was over hadn't hit me yet. I hoped that maybe she would fight for me, try to reconcile, try to get us back into counseling.  But she just grabbed another man and started up another relationship.  I've never been cheated on in my life.  This woman is bringing a lot of firsts into my life.  For the first time I understand what hate is.  Although I won't allow myself to hate her.  Hate is not good. 
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Wize
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2016, 07:19:28 PM »

That email expressed what I feel, but I shouldn't have sent it.  I'm better than that.  I should be the one taking the high road.  I always have with her.  Even though she believes she's a saint and a martyr. No more nasty emails.  Just leave it alone.
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SoMadSoSad
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« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2016, 07:46:30 PM »

I've spent the entire day vacillating between anger and sadness.  I want to hurt her and want to hold her.  I hate this conflict inside me.  I hate what she did to me.  I love her and I hate her and I've never felt this way before.  what the f#$k did this person do to me.  crying and screaming.  I need to gain some composure.

I understand your pain... .it's terrible. They just are not in it like we were. They don't allow themselves to get close in deep way like we do I believe. They compartmentalize. When they feel the gig is up and they can not fool you anymore, they have to move on or face the shame of who they think they are and that's too painful to deal with... .so off they go- not to see us anymore so they can forget about the pain they caused us. They manipulated us... .that is what happened.

Are you sure this is BPD traits or something else?
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Herodias
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« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2016, 08:00:47 PM »

We've been separated for about 2 months.  I left.  I filed right after I left. So, I guess I've had about 2 months to grieve.  I thought I was doing pretty good but this recent interaction with her and finality of it all is really hitting me hard.  The pain is much more acute now than it has been.  I hope this doesn't last for too much longer.  I'm hurting pretty good right now.  I guess when I left and filed, the reality that the relationship was over hadn't hit me yet. I hoped that maybe she would fight for me, try to reconcile, try to get us back into counseling.  But she just grabbed another man and started up another relationship.  I've never been cheated on in my life.  This woman is bringing a lot of firsts into my life.  For the first time I understand what hate is.  Although I won't allow myself to hate her.  Hate is not good. 

That is not very long to be separated. When we did all of that I felt dazed and confused. We broke up and got back together so may times, I thought this was going to be like that too. Yet how could I do that to myself after catching him my bed with another woman on Xmas! I was so in love (so I was manipulated into thinking) that I would have taken him back again! Luckily for me my one boundary of getting another woman pregnant was the straw! Its what they do. The minute you start to try and move away, they cannot be alone and find someone else. It doesn't mean you should have stayed. You were given a few crumbs of love to keep you strung along... .Abuse, lying and cheating are not love. You know that- you don't want that in your life. There are allot of nice women out there that want the same as you... .get strong, learn what you can, so you never go through this again. You will meet the right one when you are happy with yourself and out of this mess. I know that for a fact. If you do the work now, your next relationship will be real. 
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Teereese
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« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2016, 08:19:19 PM »

  Wize

Forgive yourself. You are human and we err.

I have engaged and responded out of hurt, anger and frustration.

2 months is still really fresh. There are times I want to give exh a piece of my mind ... .he moved out over a year ago and we've been divorced for 3 months.

I'll write out entire emails but not send them. He wants me to engage in crazymaking. I can't and won't give him that power anymore.
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Wize
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« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2016, 08:19:59 PM »

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Blue.  They really do make me feel better.  And for the first time in my life I'm starting to believe that maybe, just maybe I can have a real relationship with mutual love, respect and appreciation. I've never had that with a woman before.  And I thought I never deserved it because I'm not worthy of it.  As a child I was never good enough for my dad, he would constantly let me know all of the ways I was inadequate. So I went into adulthood believing that I was not good enough to be loved.  Even after all of my accomplishments as a man and all the praise I've received from being excellent at my job and as a friend.  I still never felt good enough.  

I will be able to stand on my own two feet again. I'm pretty wobbly right now, but I'll get strong again. And I'll never, ever choose another woman like my ex.  
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Herodias
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« Reply #10 on: July 05, 2016, 08:47:51 PM »

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Blue.  They really do make me feel better.  And for the first time in my life I'm starting to believe that maybe, just maybe I can have a real relationship with mutual love, respect and appreciation. I've never had that with a woman before.  And I thought I never deserved it because I'm not worthy of it.  As a child I was never good enough for my dad, he would constantly let me know all of the ways I was inadequate. So I went into adulthood believing that I was not good enough to be loved.  Even after all of my accomplishments as a man and all the praise I've received from being excellent at my job and as a friend.  I still never felt good enough.  

I will be able to stand on my own two feet again. I'm pretty wobbly right now, but I'll get strong again. And I'll never, ever choose another woman like my ex.  


Yes... .never again! So, sounds like you have looked at your past and why you are the way you are... .now take that knowledge and tell yourself that you are better than adequate and that your Dad was only doing the best that he knew how from his past. It is not about you. You are getting praise elsewhere, so you know you are doing well. Your past is why you have a bit of co-dependancy issues going on here and why you are having trouble letting go. It is not about her - it is about being afraid to be alone. About being afraid of not being loved. Love yourself first- so cliche' but so true. I have been going out a bit and it is amazing to see all of the couples who don't talk to each other- sit on their phones... .argue about where to sit in a place or where they want to go... .I think, gee... .I'm glad I am not doing that anymore. ! I can do whatever I want, when I want! Eat what I want, spend what I want... .talk to whomever I want... .you get my drift. I don't have to worry about being embarrassed... .Like when people would ask, how did you two end up married and he would say, "she got pregnant- so we got married" - How embarrassing and this is how I know he will do it to the next one! A pattern here... .(for the record- he lied to me and told me he was sterile - how many men do that?) My point is... .I see allot of women available out there. You need to spend your time learning red flags and building up yourself. It will be easy for you- I am sure... .Just take your time and don't do was your stbx is doing. By the way... .expect anything to happen at this point. If you were to start dating and your state allows it, she could file adultery on you! I am just saying - don't be surprised at anything! Work on you- get divorced. Focus on what you like to do for you and not taking care of someone else and their problems... .Date yourself so to speak! I am going to another concert next Sunday- I am so excited!  I am having more fun... .everyone notices and tells me I look and sound better than I ever did. I go and do all the things I could not do with him, because he would get drunk and do embarrassing things... .I am so glad to be with my friends, family and myself! You will get there- I have been working on this a year and a half! The first 6 months I was in denial... .because of his manipulations. Don't let her do this to you... .you know what she is like, she will not change. You will be fine in time.
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myself
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« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2016, 10:05:00 PM »

It's like you had to   , so you   , and now... .Be healthy so you won't need to again.
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Leonis
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« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2016, 04:11:07 AM »

I made a mistake like that when my ex first ran away and broke off the engagement over text.

I wrote an angry letter and sent the screenshots to her sisters. Needless to say, that didn't end well and the whole family was turned against me. My ex would later say that if I didn't do that and just waited patiently, she would have rethink her decision.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She expected me not to be upset over her breaking off the engagement over the most ridiculously minuscule things and the most disturbing talks about suicides, etc.

While what she claimed about rethinking might have been true, it would only get worse if we had actually gotten married. I can only imagine how much worse filing a divorce with her would be should we sealed the deal.
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StayStrongNow
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« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2016, 09:35:21 PM »

As I read your note I felt sad, it reminded  me of all the venomous words and texts I retaliated toward my  UstbxBPDW, I still lash out. There is a side of me that realizes BPDs don't take things in like most people. Their mind reacts so differently, there is a good chance the note did more to embed in her mind that reinforced her thought pattern that you are to blame for everything, it is all your fault and that you are the evil one. The term is Projection as you probably know. Then I was sad that a person with a heart, who is a considerate loving person reading this would have been torn into pieces, not the BPDer, indifference, they can shut off their feelings to you like shutting off a water faucet completely.

This is your season for anger, hurt and pain. You did what you did, but you also knew it was a mistake. Take some credit you are making progress. Perhaps in time compassion and forgiveness may be on the horizon. It's not about her anymore, your making it about you. And this journey toward compassion and forgiveness is by no means for her. Finally it's not about her anymore your growing by passing through these milestones of a change in your heart that will be all for you and you alone. I think you are heading in a good direction, the seasons will change and so will you.
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