Newbie here

[motherhen]

Hi, this is my first post here. I'm so glad to have found this forum. I've been married for 19 years to my spouse who was diagnosed with bipolar about a year after we married. It's been a hard road. We have one child, 11 years old with special needs.

Recently, after about 4 years of unspeakable chaos he started taking a med that got the bipolar mania under control. With that not being an issue at this time we've both realized that he has 8/9 of the diagnostic criteria for BPD as well. The only one he doesn't is self harm, but this is likely due to his extreme religious beliefs against suicide. Apparently BPD frequently comorbid with bipolar and we've both long suspected some sort of personality disorder but it was hard to figure out which one fit until the mania was controlled.He has an appointment with his psych next week and will discuss it with her then, but they tend to only care about med issues honestly. 

So, I'm reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. He often asks what I've learned because he has no idea what the heck gets into him during BPD meltdowns either. I did years of work on myself including counseling, codependency recovery groups, other various recovery groups, learning about boundaries and healthy communication years ago so all of that is nothing new to me. However, learning all these things didn't help me learn how to apply them to BPD. They are taught in ways that assume you are dealing with the average difficult person.  In many ways that has made our relationship harder, because I had the communication skills, boundaries and other tools but didn't have a clue how to use them effectively on him. It's just so hard even with all the tools to remain calm and logical in the face of completely illogical nonsense. Ugh. I've gained some new tools from the book and a better understanding of the why behind so many things. Why he doesn't remember what happened, why he acts like nothing happened after an episode, what is behind it and more. Let me know if there are other books you liked better.

He might agree to counseling, but we have no insurance and any low cost counseling he could get would probably not be skilled enough to manage his dual bipolar and borderline plus the childhood PTSD. He really lacks insight into the why behind any of his Do you have any favorite self help workbooks, mindfulness links or courses?

Anyway,   and thanks for having me.

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[Turkish]

Hi motherhen,



I'm glad you are reaching out for support! 

We have a lot of material here, some of which may feel familiar,  but it's geared towards working with someone who exhibits traits of BPD.  Take a look to the right of the board. 

I read SWOE, but the updated version is said to be more complete:

Essential Family Guide to BPD

While is good that your Husband is receptive to considering BPD, an official diagnosis by a trained therapist might be better in that it provides space for you to work on your relationship.  It's a possibility,  right or wrong,  that the T might say,  "while you exhibit traits,  you don't have the disorder, " which may result in him backing away from dealing with the behaviors.  We've seen this here (though you know your husband best). At least he feels comfortable enough to discuss things.   Regarding the dissociative episodes, so he really doesn't remember sometimes?

Without a diagnosis,  I'd be hesitant to refer him to online resources to connect with those who have BPD. That might reinforce the behaviors at this point. This might help,  however:

www.dbtselfhelp.com

How is this affecting your 11 year old?  We have resources to help parents support children as well.  I look forward to hearing more of your story 

Turkish

[motherhen]

He remembers in the sense that if you managed to keep track of all the things he said and did, it sounds familiar to him. But not in the sense that he remembers his own account of it enough to feel remorseful about it. It's the mood driving the train and he's just along for the ride unless he catches it before he's boarded the train.

Our 11 year old has autism and his own mood regulation issues. In many ways he's easier to deal with than my husband which is kind of funny considering how hard it is to parent a child with autism. He has a decent relationship with his Dad all things considered. The hard part for him was the mania and now that it's been adequately addressed, he says this is the Dad he remembers from when he was younger. He's had a hard road though from without and within. Seeing his Dad struggle is hard, but also he identifies with the struggles he has with his own moods.

[Turkish]

Your son sounds pretty aware.  This book may be a good resource for talking to your son:

The Power Of Validation

Reading it,  I found out how much I was invalidated as a kid (and I was raised by a parent with BPD, PTSD, and depression). You may get some helpful tips there.  I'm applying it with my own kids. I think my S6 may touch upon the lower end of the ASD spectrum,  and I've adjusted a little with him as in comparison with his little sister. 

Let us know if the communication tools (Lesson 3) are helpful.