Talking to children

[bus boy]

My summer access schedule gives me a lot more time with s9. To bad NPD/BPD ex wife took most of it in her block vacation time. My first reall summer access with s9 and she found a way to worm into it. S9 and I had a talk about the extra time, he gets lonley for home. I told him that's normal and understood how he feels but our time is important and I'm not giving up any more time. I was a bit blunt to s9 and said, you spend every weekend at your nanny and poppys, that's fine but it's not my problem. We have a court order of time together and if you are spending to much time away from home your mother is going to have to do something about it on her end of her time with you. I said we lost to much time together, I'm not giving up any more of our time so you can spend it with mommy and her family. I validated to s9 how much everyone loves him, I validated his feelings but said if you are spending to much time away from home, mommy is going to have to change what she does. S9 was very good about it. We had a great day yesterday. He didn't bring up wanting to go home.

[catclaw]

We has a similar convo with ss9. Right before BPDm intents t8 demand more time with ss, she will talk to ss first about how unfair everything is and how she can't live without him. We always know what will come next when ss says "i want to spend more time with mom". Knowing that the weekends he spends there, she is being really busy or ill and ss spends time with the new bf and his ex foster family, we were having a hard time figuring out why he wants more time with mom. When we explicitly asked if he wants to have additional days at mom's home he got very pensative and after a while said "actually i just want her to spend more time with me while I'm there". Once he figured this difference out, he was able to establish a boundary with his mom, telling her he wants the weekends as they are but wishes for her to spend more time with him (needless to say, this wasn't what she wanted to hear and nothing has changed ever since). I can imagine, it could be something similar in your situation. Our lawyer said that whenever something like this comes up again, to tell ss that there are rules and we stick to them. No need to explain "mom has/i have", just stick to the schedule. Bpd parents' kids need to get a feeling for rules and routines as this is often something they don't learn from a young age. Keep up the good work.

[david]

When my ex tried to keep the kids away from me, back in the beginning, I used to tell our boys that we had a court order and if we didn't follow it one of us, mom and/or dad, could get in trouble with the judge because he made the decision. I would say I didn't want either of us to get in trouble so I thought it best to follow the rules. They had no problem with that explanation. They were around five and nine at the time. I don't know what, if any, conversation they had with their mom about it.
They did learn quickly that challenging their mom's point of view was dealt with, by her, in an unpleasant manner and they avoided such "confrontation" until they got older and more secure in their own skin.

[Thunderstruck]

We've been through this with DSD11 a few times. She feels like uBPDbm is always busy or "working" (sometimes actually working, sometimes she claims she's working but she's out partying with friends) and they never get to see each other even though we have 50/50.

Before our temp order, uBPDbm forced the visitation so that she had SD M-Th and we had her every weekend. SD (8 and 9 at the time) was miserable. She complained every weekend that she wanted to see her mom. But spending the weekend with her mom meant we wouldn't get to see her for two weeks straight. Very unfair.

When SD has complained about uBPDbm I've really tried to listen and validate her feelings. When it comes out that she's not unhappy about being with us, per se, but unhappy about the lack of attention she's been getting from uBPDbm then I encourage her to have those conversations with her mom directly. SD is very enmeshed, though, and doesn't stand up for herself.

[bus boy]

I hope s9 will see as he gets older that he has a voice. I am enforcing in him that I'm always there for him. His mother never validates me to s9 so through, if this makes sense silent mental abuse he has learned that mom is the boss. Don't worry she used verbally emotional abuse on him enough times. I tell s9 he will find his voice. She is a bully and a master manuplator. S9 mother stopped in front of my sisters house one day and told him to get out,he was 6 at the time. He told me he was crying and telling his mother he wanted to stay with her. She kept  telling him to get out, saying if you want to visit them, than you can stay with them. That's not the first time she had s9 crying and using threats. She used threats on me very often, always threats never solutions. Threats is like a normal thing for her. S9 also told me, his mother tells him all the time she has to protect him from my family. When s9  get older he's going to start doing the math on everything that's going on in his life, what his mother done and I'm going to make sure I'm here for him and he is strong to stand up for himself.

[catclaw]

When SD has complained about uBPDbm I've really tried to listen and validate her feelings. When it comes out that she's not unhappy about being with us, per se, but unhappy about the lack of attention she's been getting from uBPDbm then I encourage her to have those conversations with her mom directly. SD is very enmeshed, though, and doesn't stand up for herself.

That's what we do as well. We give him room to complain at our place (and he takes a good use of it) and encourage him to address his Troubles at mom's place TOWARDS MOM. He understands that we can't do anything about it and that it's their Business what goes on when he's there.

Sometimes SS says things like "ya, but this is just how mom is. she Forgets Things. she breaks promises." and I'm stunned. I sometimes wish I could just take People the way they are and make the best out of it just like he can. It think this is a ressource.