What to do now

[Meili]

You can read about JADEing HERE.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Should I just quit and see if she gets a hold of me?

[Meili]

Quit what is really the question?

You should quit trying to contact her IMHO. You should quit trying to control the situation. And, you should quit focusing on what she may or may not be thinking. But, I'm not suggesting that you quit the idea of saving the r/s if the r/s is truly what you want.

Give her the time and space that she needs. Focus on you in the meantime. This will give you the best chance of success in saving the r/s.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Yes quit trying to force this... .throughout this whole ordeal she has asked me to walk away, implying that she can't.  Kind of my thoughts, get me right before I try and fix this mess of a r/s

I am still hoping that it can be salvaged

[Meili]

So, time to start doing the work to salvage it.

You can't change her or fix things for her, so no need to even think or worry about that. You can only control you and fix the things about the r/s that are yours to own. The rest is completely up to her.

Time to do a postmortem on the r/s and figure out what was yours to own.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Good idea... .weak boundaries, the need for female validation (which led to the cheating )
Those are my issues... .I intend to work on them.
Should I tell her this is what i am doing or just go do it and be silent?

[Meili]

Just do it and be silent about it for now!

I had the very same issues in my r/s. I sought validation from a female outside of the r/s. We weren't romantic, but that is not the point. I also had very weak boundaries. I JADEd all the time. I invalidated my x all of the time. I didn't show her respect in any way that she could see. I allowed my insecurities to bring chaos into everything that we did. There is more, but I'm sure that you get my point. When I examine the entire r/s, I can see so many failures on my side of things. Will fixing these things about myself bring my x back. Probably not in all likelihood. But, they will help me in the future. It should also be pointed out that I was given ample opportunity to change during the r/s and I didn't.

So, you have the opportunity in your r/s to actually look at what you did and make changes that she can see as constants. That will go a long way to building trust. Trust is what she needs to feel based on what you've said.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Thanks for the advice, she may never look back... .but you are right I need to work on me

[Meili]

The best part is that it won't matter if she looks back. The new you will be a boon regardless.

But, there is a chance that a recycle will happen. You'll need to be able to show her a different you at that point. Doing what you have been doing hasn't worked after all. Time for something new.

[Oncebitten]

Agreed... .cant force her to forgive what I did... .hopefully she will miss me and come back

[Oncebitten]

Ok she ended up getting in touch with me the other day and we spent some really good time together.  We both still want to be together and want this to work out.  I have admitted my problems that I brought to the relationship, and she has admitted hers.  Right now I am working on my own issues of insecurity, and she is still trying to reconcile with the fact that I cheated on her.  My question is, what do I need to build trust with her?  She has asked that I give her some space and that she will call me when she is ready to talk again.  And as hard as that is going to be I intend to honor her wishes for a start and give her space. 

Giving her space when she asks for it and working on my own problems is as far as I have gotten at this point.  Any other suggestions?

[Ashur]

Hey ob it is really hard isn't it? To give space when you see how much they may need you? Or just to reach out and ask how you holding up? I am dealing with it myself. As a matter if fact as I type this my BPD gf just texted and I saw her this morning so I guess the question really is how do you for yourself find that happy middle ground. That's the million dollar question. I sat her down and told her that I loved her and her kids and we have a baby on the way I want to be able to call or text when I miss them or just want to check up. She agreed and we left it at when I text if she doesn't want to talk she won't reply or reply and yes everything was I'm nothing more. That being said she always texts back (mostly) and has asked me to come over a lot. Maybe try that. Come up with a plan where you can text here and there to check up/in and let her know if a he doesn't want to reply that's fine. But also know I am New to this world and this may be super wrong way to do things... .

[Ashur]

She replies with yes everything is ok not I am nothing more... .I hate you phone

[Oncebitten]

ashur

we agreed to talk in a couple of days, so I feel like we have some kind of plan.  I have assured her that I am not going anywhere regardless of how long it takes to fix it.  I just need to figure out how to start to rebuild trust.

[Meili]

OB, the way that you build trust is through showing her consistency in your actions and respecting her.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

yes I know, she has asked for some space and i have to give her that.  Its not what I want to do but i guess i have no choice. 

I suppose all I can do is wait and hope that she finds some forgiveness for me and comes back.

[Meili]

As long as you believe that you have no choice, you won't have one. Once you understand that the choice is entirely yours, you'll start to regain control over your own life. Does that make sense?

"Just waiting" is possibly the worst plan that you could make btw. Right now you have an excellent opportunity to work on your r/s with her. Right now you can work on changing the things that were in your control that she disliked when you were together. Doing that would be far more beneficial to you than "just waiting."

[Oncebitten]

How do i work on a r/s when she won't talk to me?

Just work on me and hope thats enough?

[Meili]

Even if she were with you, holding your hand, the only thing that you could do to work on the r/s is to work on you. It's the only thing that you have control over.

[Oncebitten]

I suppose you are right there.  Should I just let her contact me?

[SoMadSoSad]

What if she doesn't contact you

[Oncebitten]

Somad

Thats what I dont know... .despite at times her telling me we are done and have no chance she continues to take my calls and answer my texts... .so I believe she is holding out hope we can fix this

[FallBack!Monster]

She has abandonment and trust issues.

We have broken up several before and always gotten back together.

Even after she cheated.

I know she still loves me.

Do I leave her alone because thats what she asked for and hope I don't trigger the abandonment or do I keep trying to talk to her?

We have bee together for almost a year.

Someone that has abandonment and trust issues, cheats, which is the most hurtful thing you can do to a partner, and you say she still loves you?
She wants to be left alone by you, but you're not sure if you should still keep chasing, even after she has cheated on you? Still, you say you've been together for almost a year, as if you're still a couple?

But does that work here?

That question baffled me.  Nothing seems to be working properly there.  

So now what?

Do like many have done here, including me right now, I am just learning to live without her.

My ex would see me one morning and sound like the old gal I met.  Then she would go home and I wouldn't hear from her for days.  The next time we saw each other, she would act as if I was chasing her.  The next time she would say she knows we're going to end up being partners for life.  Then, tell me she's seeking men on dating sites because she needs someone to support her and her daughter for life.  Then she just wants to be friends. Then she doesn't think we are compatible.  Next, I know she loves me.  Next, she needs someone else. The next time, we are good together, and so on.  All this within the last 2 months of our relationship.  I wish you better luck than I had with than confusion.

[Oncebitten]

Fallbackmonster

I can't speak to your situation, but I know mine... .even when she is mad at me she admits she loves me... .does she try and push me away from time to time yes... .that is a BPD cycle.  Right now her emotions are a mess and she pushes and pulls frequently.  But I think any woman would do the same given what happened. 
We are still together, in the sense that we are still talking, she might be mad and she might tell me he hates me.but she keeps taking my calls... .she is hurting and angry so she takes it out on the guy she trusted and the guy who betrayed her.  Again i think most people would do the same thing.  All relationship experts say this is part of the process... .and if you are the betrayer and want to get back together you have to be willing to bear the brunt of the pain you caused.

[Meili]

Please forgive me if this seems a bit blunt, but I'm very confused by your posts. They seem to be all over the map. It appears as if you're almost frantic about keeping the r/s alive. Is this correct?

What are you feeling?

[Oncebitten]

Meili

yes a bit frantic I suppose, i love her to death and want to keep the relationship... .just not sure what is the best course of action.  She keeps telling me that she loves me and wants us to work out.  She tells me that she needs time, she then also tells me that time apart from me allows her to detach from me which she doesnt want.  As a friend put it to me here its "I love you go away".

She needs time and space but then tells me she fears to much time and space she will lose part of US.

So hopefully that helps you understand my confusion... .I have no idea what to do... .she tells me she needs/wants me around everyday then later tells me to go away she needs space.

[Oncebitten]

Im done moving to the detaching board

[C.Stein]

This topic has reached the post limit.  Thanks to all who participated and please feel free to start another thread to continue discussion if needed.