Not sure how to help SS cope

[Catsmother]

Up until nine months ago, SS lived with UBPDm at least an hour away. That was for three years, and prior to that he lived with her over ten hours away. So from the age of not quite 5 until 11, he has been pretty much long distance. I strongly suspect mum has BPD, not diagnosed, and she herself has said she had PND but was not diagnosed. Not that that really makes any difference. SS can be quite strong willed, and has been swearing and calling her names since about the age of three. And really hasn't stopped doing it. It probably got worse when she got a partner, and the partner is the reason for her becoming long distance. It has been hard on DH and SS, and we have gone for periods of usually three months with out seeing him, and once it was six months. They have however, maintained quite a strong connection emotionally.

Two years ago, SS complained about SF belting him and other slightly less terrible things. We withheld, but BM then removed him from our care, and withheld him, and this started yet another round of court. Finally orders were made, and while not the best of orders, at least there was regular contact. SS then decided that he wanted to go to school near us, and DH and UBPDm were negotiating new orders. Then suddenly, after three years of being an hour away, she decided that she could live near us anyway. So now we are week on week off.

This is his first year of high school, so it is a lot different to primary school. There are more expectations, like homework and assignments. Things that UBPDm has not pushed before. All previous school reports have stated homework sometimes complete; SS needs to be more organised; SS needs to pay attention. That sort of thing. He has had testing, and up until the counsellor this year there has not been much activity. The counsellor is testing his working memory. Previous tutors have said he needs to get back to basics, but after a couple of weeks, UBPDm gets them to help with homework. She is not the most organised person in the world, her emails on occasions need to be reread several times to get the gist of them, and she uses the language of a 16 year old at best. This is the environment that SS has been living in. She has complained over the years of him having meltdowns, even to the point of them being daily and sometimes lasting for a few hours.

Now high school and more pressure is on him, and we are starting to see the meltdowns here. Not as regularly as he does with her, but none the less, he has them here. Usually when he is pushed to do something outside his comfort zone. A very common response from him is "I don't know" and this comes out faster than a speeding bullet. He doesn't allow himself time to take a breath before responding. But last night was one of the worst. He has done the throwing and the slamming but last night he resorted to hitting himself in the head while repeating over and over again "I don't know". Today, whilst a lot more calm and relaxed he admitted that he does this probably at least twice a week at mum's house, and has been doing this for the last two years.

I don't know what to do. I told him that we are here to listen to him, and will do what ever we can to help. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I did tell him that he can also talk to the counsellor and he said that he knows that. The counsellor is a pretty good fit for him, same sort of sense of humour. But at the moment we are concentrating on the learning side of things.