Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 12:36:30 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Tips for severely alienated teen back in the house  (Read 601 times)
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« on: July 12, 2016, 04:19:37 PM »

DH is trying to get him into a residential treatment center first, but we have a teen who believes that we are responsible for putting his mom in jail (judge told her he would be charging her with a felony and told our attorney to file civil enforcement actions as well).  

He told DH that "You just lost your son you ignorant, egotistical tyrant.  You may have me in your home, but you will never get me back... ."

Just sad that it all came to this... .

Any stories of improvements when it is this bad?
Logged
Thunderstruck
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2016, 05:12:40 PM »

First of all, good for you and DH for fighting for DSS. A lot of parents would have given up by now.    It'll get better. It can't possibly get worse.

I'm going to stress this again: You did not send BPDmom to jail. You don't even have that power (you don't, do you? Because if you do then can you send our uBPDbm to jail too?). All three of those kids need to learn that there are real life consequences to behavior. BPDmom didn't follow the law so her consequences are that she go to jail. Both DSS's contributed to it. They're more guilty of sending BPDmom to jail than you are, but whatever.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, because I don't have a teenager or a severely alienated child, but... .

Are there family members or friends of the family that DSS15 still likes? Grandparents? A favorite aunt? Someone that can come and stay for awhile to break the ice? I know you said DD and DSS used to be close but aren't any longer. PA usually wipes out not only the parent but the parents entire side of the family, so there might not be anyone. I've also read that seeing DH interact with other kids makes them think "hm, maybe he isn't such an evil monster". Maybe you could invite over nephews, nieces... .DSS's friends and their parents?

Right now I would consider him grounded. If any kid had ran away (even an alienated one) then I would take away privileges. DSS can sulk in his room, but I wouldn't allow him things like his cell phone, internet, gaming systems until he can be respectful and follow rules. I'd probably set up chores (if you already do that with the other kids) and insist on eating with the family. You know, set up a normal routine. No TV in his room, if he wants to watch TV he has to come down and do it with the family.

Also, if he wants to see/talk to DSS18 or DSD20 then they need to come over to your house and have dinner with you. "Supervised" visits. You really don't need them fueling the fire when you're trying to deprogram DSS15.
Logged

"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2016, 05:23:10 PM »

Extinction Burst?   A residential treatment center sounds necessary.  Somehow he has to learn that running isn't a solution.

It's hugely emotional, no logic to it.  If he hadn't immediately gone to his mother's home then her facing consequences might not have happened.

Maybe the therapist will eventually task him with some problem solving, how his choices and actions led to this outcome.  I mean, maybe they can get him to answer whether he wants to be fuming and rebellious for the next two years.

Absolutely astounding how drastic the change is between him now versus him a couple years ago before his mother changed focus from his sister when she became an adult and onto him still a minor.

At least school won't be impacted for another 5-6 weeks.  Let's hope he's calmed down and dealing with reality by then.

I agree his grown siblings won't be a good influence right now.  And I like the idea for his TV, computer and games to be in a common room so he doesn't isolate himself and prolong the sulking.
Logged

sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2016, 07:08:06 PM »

They only would let  him to partial hospitalization... .we are trying to figure out how to get his phone away without WWIII breaking out.  DH offered to take  him out of town and take is phone over taking him to PHP, but he refused to get rid of his phone.  We will see if there is a way during PHP.

I am thinking the PHP will confront his stupid idea that we are incarcerating his mom.

How long do we think it will take for him to not feel as nasty?
Logged
Lilyroze
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 337



« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2016, 07:12:31 PM »

Really sad, the whole thing. Seems son is getting worse with you both as well. I know you are trying really hard. Is there a better environment for your SS, where he wants to be as well?
Logged
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2016, 07:23:16 PM »

Really sad, the whole thing. Seems son is getting worse with you both as well. I know you are trying really hard. Is there a better environment for your SS, where he wants to be as well?

He's only been with us a few hours at this point.  :-/
Logged
Lilyroze
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 337



« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2016, 07:28:13 PM »

Really sad, the whole thing. Seems son is getting worse with you both as well. I know you are trying really hard. Is there a better environment for your SS, where he wants to be as well?

He's only been with us a few hours at this point.  :-/

Full time, but other then that has been with you all right?
Logged
Thunderstruck
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2016, 07:55:46 PM »

If you can't get the phone, can you get the charger?
Logged

"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2016, 08:38:09 PM »

Who is paying for the phone ?
Logged

sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2016, 09:25:01 PM »

Who is paying for the phone ?

Mom is right now.  I know we need to get rid of it and switch it out somehow, but he is defiantly opposed.  This is where we need an intensive program because someone else needs to be the bad guy.
Logged
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2016, 07:07:57 PM »

I would think that BPDm will make an issue with the phone when she finds out. The rules in your house are the rules in your house.
I think a neutral third party, therapist, would probably be the best place to go for help. I don't see it being quick or easy. Boundaries are the only thing you can do. Figuring out the right ones is the trick.
Can you remember what DSS15 was like before the alienation and use that to try to "reconnect" ?
Logged

Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2016, 06:49:41 AM »

What has it been like having SS back home?  Is there any interaction or is he hiding out in his room like he did on the first night?  How are you, your kids and DH doing?  There is a lot going on (I know that's an understatement ) between mom's legal issues and son being home.  Try to sneak in a little down time when you can it will keep you guys a strong team. 

Thinking of you all,
Panda39
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #12 on: July 14, 2016, 11:15:03 AM »

Things are settling down a lot.  He is mostly in his room, but yesterday he did spend a couple of hours in the neighborhood doing Pokemon Go--that's a good sign.  His older siblings were griping that all he did was sleep and eat at mom's so it looks like he's been depressed for a long time.

I am going on a trip with my kids while DH stays with him.  He's going to let DSS know that the judge said that DH needs to pay for his phone and provide phone records at mom's hearing for breaking the no-contact order.

When DSS18 dropped off DSS15, he brought a dog with him.  DH talked about DSS15 socializing "his" dog with our dog, brought him treats, etc.  The next day DSS18 came to pick up the dog, which makes me think they were hoping it would start drama

And when he came, my DD18 emotionally vomited all over him... .chastising him for just believing everything he heard.  When he told her that he doesn't get why his dad brought mom back to court, she told him, "She never signed the first order!  He had to!" to which he replied, "I didn't know that."  She said, "There's a lot of things you don't know.  You have a right to be upset and angry, but when you calm down, I hope you communicate and look at other perspectives instead of just the information you have."

Maybe something got through to him; DSS18 agreed to have dinner with DH tonight.   Two days ago he was disowning him.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #13 on: July 14, 2016, 03:16:59 PM »

At some point DSS15 can be encouraged to compare his feelings and perspectives of a year ago with the extremes of the past week and prior months.  Would he honestly compare those two very different states of mind?  Then he could ponder, Why, what facts changed, what changed him?

Probably he can't handle that right now but he needs to be able to reflect on his perceptions, they did drastically change and for the worse.  Cause and effect.

Sounds like all the steps are wearing their emotions on their sleeves and letting those overwhelm the facts.  With their mother's egging on now reduced, there ought to be some progress.  Just monitor what the adult siblings may do and say to hinder him from listening to reason, peace and calm.
Logged

Boss302
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 332


« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2016, 03:58:11 PM »

Things are settling down a lot.  He is mostly in his room, but yesterday he did spend a couple of hours in the neighborhood doing Pokemon Go--that's a good sign.  His older siblings were griping that all he did was sleep and eat at mom's so it looks like he's been depressed for a long time.

I am going on a trip with my kids while DH stays with him.  He's going to let DSS know that the judge said that DH needs to pay for his phone and provide phone records at mom's hearing for breaking the no-contact order.

When DSS18 dropped off DSS15, he brought a dog with him.  DH talked about DSS15 socializing "his" dog with our dog, brought him treats, etc.  The next day DSS18 came to pick up the dog, which makes me think they were hoping it would start drama

And when he came, my DD18 emotionally vomited all over him... .chastising him for just believing everything he heard.  When he told her that he doesn't get why his dad brought mom back to court, she told him, "She never signed the first order!  He had to!" to which he replied, "I didn't know that."  She said, "There's a lot of things you don't know.  You have a right to be upset and angry, but when you calm down, I hope you communicate and look at other perspectives instead of just the information you have."

Maybe something got through to him; DSS18 agreed to have dinner with DH tonight.   Two days ago he was disowning him.

Where are the older kids living now, and what happens if mom ends up in jail?
Logged
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2016, 04:22:52 PM »

And when he came, my DD18 emotionally vomited all over him... .chastising him for just believing everything he heard.  When he told her that he doesn't get why his dad brought mom back to court, she told him, "She never signed the first order!  He had to!" to which he replied, "I didn't know that."  She said, "There's a lot of things you don't know.  You have a right to be upset and angry, but when you calm down, I hope you communicate and look at other perspectives instead of just the information you have."

I just have to say your daughter rocks!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I'm really glad she is saying what is on her mind and not ignoring the elephant in the room.

Maybe something got through to him; DSS18 agreed to have dinner with DH tonight.   Two days ago he was disowning him. 


I hope something is sinking in but I would also be a little wary... .will he run home to mom and say dad was drunk at dinner and stir the pot some more? Are they going out to dinner? (Where there will be witnesses? ).

Panda39

Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2016, 09:24:22 PM »

DH said their dinner was normal, almost like nothing happened.  He used to have dinner with the boys like that... .he said it was like old times, and nothing controversial was brought up.

Good start... .
Logged
whirlpoollife
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 641



« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2016, 10:41:07 PM »

I just have to say your daughter rocks!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I'm really glad she is saying what is on her mind and not ignoring the elephant in the room.]


The dinner conversation is a start. Omg what good news!
Acting like old times and nothing happened could be that they are nervous yet to talk more, realizing that DH is right.
Logged

"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #18 on: July 15, 2016, 06:17:45 AM »

DH said their dinner was normal, almost like nothing happened.  He used to have dinner with the boys like that... .he said it was like old times, and nothing controversial was brought up.

Good start... .

That is good news  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #19 on: July 15, 2016, 10:49:28 AM »

Sounds like good things are starting to happen. The hardest thing I found when my ex used alienation against me was to know when to do something and when to just listen to our kids.
 
A helpful story, perhaps. One of my SS's used to get angry when I enforced boundaries with him. He used to always say he hated me in those times. I never took it personally but I didn't care for the attitude. This went off and on for several years . One day he was on a rant with me and said , "I hate you and this time I really mean it." We both stood there for a few seconds and I replied, "Well that is a relief." It stopped him in his tracks and he looked at me, puzzled, and said, "What are you talking about." I simply pointed out that all those other times when he said he hated me he didn't really mean it so I look at that as a positive since this was the only real time he felt that way. I smiled and thanked him for letting me know that. I said it in a sincere way. He started laughing and so did I. He never said he hated me again after that.
 
Looking back, he probably had it the worst from his mom. I didn't see a lot of what was going on between them until after ex left.
Logged

sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #20 on: July 16, 2016, 07:15:05 PM »

BPD mom asked if DH would allow her mom to take him for lunch.  He told her that he didn't think it was a good idea right now.  Then dsd's friend came over at 1pm to see if DSS could go somewhere with her... .DH let her know that DSS was still sleeping.  Then when friend was leaving, he saw DSD get up from hiding in the back seat.  I guess they were trying the lunch a different at.  How old are we?

DSS is saying he's not hungry and is sleeping a lot.  Sounds depressed.  Gotta wonder what he's thinking.  We did find out from his counselor that he is exhibiting some anger towards BPD mom so glad it's not 100% at DH.
Logged
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #21 on: July 16, 2016, 10:47:37 PM »

He also may be exhausted by everything that has been going on although depression wouldn't be surprising either. Does his counselor see the depression?

Sounds like mom is still trying to gain access to SS15 through her mom and his sister (via the friend). The games still seem to be afoot. Can you hear my eyes roll where you are?

Panda39

Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #22 on: July 17, 2016, 03:18:48 PM »

DSS16 told DH that he did not eat yesterday because DH did not let him go to his great grandfather's funeral yesterday.  He is mad at DH putting him in day treatment.  He also told him that he will never have a relationship with him.

Still waiting for the anger to die down, I guess... .
Logged
Thunderstruck
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #23 on: July 20, 2016, 08:25:06 AM »

Has DSS started the day treatment?
Logged

"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #24 on: July 20, 2016, 09:37:18 AM »

DSS has a CHOICE... .he can decide to live life to the full or he can punish himself by being angry and self-sabotaging.  If only he would hear and actually listen.  We're hoping that in time he will.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!