S9 has a phone

[bus boy]

S9 got a phone from his mother for grading. My T  is giving me so e dire warnings. I was giving s9 his goodnight phone call just like the court order states. But that gave me to much control so she got s9 his own phone. I thought it would give me more contact with him for good night and good morning calls or texts but it's not much better. His mother is texting him through out his access visit with me, texting him pics of his little cousin. I'm happy s9 likes his 1 year old cousin but her family has him so wrapped around that little girl to the point he wants to cut his access short to see her and his mother expects me to as well. To me it's not right for a 9 year old boy is so engulfed with a little girl. But back to the phone. The texting was getting out of control on Sunday and I told s9 to put the phone away. I can see this becoming a problem. S9 won't go anywhere with out that phone. I tell him leave it in the truck or leave it home. He says, what if mom texts. Soon as that phone goes off he's texting back. Before the phone and if he wanted to go home I could talk to s9 and he would stay. She would call 7 to 8 times and text but she was calling on my phone, I would shut the ringer off. She is a covert emotional abuser and master manuplator so she will do anything to get s9 home, I was blocking that now I have to monitor very closely his phone usage when he is with me. Am I being to out of line ? I feel I have to guard me time with s9 very closely.  I'm stopping her at every angle, I use to be her door mat, emotional punching bag, now that I found my voice I'm seeing a whole new side of her, if it is actually humanly possible to be more rotten. I'm seeing a whole new rotten side, aside from the other rotten side.

[flourdust]

My D10 has an iPod touch, which is effectively a phone. While in the range of wi-fi, she can text, FaceTime, voice chat, email, etc.

At this age, it seems pretty common to get addicted to these little gadgets (just like adults!), and it's up to you as parent to establish rules around the time and use of the phone while you have custody.

Your ex is entitled to call or text whenever she wants, and you should not block your S9 from receiving those messages -- but you can establish rules as to when or how often S9 is allowed to use the phone, as long as they are reasonable. Your ex is not entitled to contact with S9 at any time she wants.

[bus boy]

Thank you flourdust, I will use that advice. I don't want to block s9 but on Sunday past, the texting was getting out of hand. I could tell s9 was wanting to go home. She will keep it up. I had to shut it down. She is not texting to say hi, she's texting to see what we are doing. She asks question after question. My T says it's her eyes on what we are doing. If s9 doesn't respond right away his mom puts the questions to s9. This makes s9 very uncomfortable bc if he's with my family he doesn't like to tell her and he wants me to have our story stright. Or he says daddy made me go and I shoulder the blame. That is fine by me.

[Thunderstruck]

The phone thing has been a big problem for many people on these boards in the same way as you are describing.

We tried the phone experiment when SD was ~8. It only lasted two weeks. Huge drama, SD was texting her mom all about how awful and horrible we were for enforcing rules, then mom gives her the "oohh poor baby, I wish you were home with me". That's a  for alienation. In the end, SD broke our rules (no texting at school) so she got it taken away.

I think many people forget that it is rude to text and stare at your phone when you should be interacting with the people you are with. You can show S9 proper phone etiquette without making it all about mom's overbearing texting. Explain to him that the texts will be right there on his phone for later, but during the day he should enjoy the activities of the people that he is with. Maybe set a specific time (after dinner?) to go nuts texting on his phone.

Some people say "leave the phone at mom's house". If it were me, I'd throw the phone in a basket somewhere and give it back when SD leaves (but I'm the evil stepmom    ).

[Catsmother]

SS12 was given a phone by UBPDm, after we had given him a phone. So two phones. Our phone had no texting and he only had 3 numbers programmed into call. We got it so we could ring him at our appointed time because mum frequently did not answer her phone to allow the calls. Even with the phone, we didn't have the contact and gad to go through mum.

So mum got him another phone with all the bells and whistles. It was going to be a Christmas present but she gave it to him for graduation. He wad hooked. Texting and internet all the time. We found he wad texting her well after bedtime, and she didn't shut down the conversation. So simple remedy, we didn't allow the phone in the bedroom. It was on charge in the lounge room. And, if you didn't plug the cord in far enough, it didn't charge. Oh dear.

After a couple of months, SS stopped bringing the phone. Mum wasn't putting credit on the phone either. And finally she seems to gave settled down on the emails to him via his school account as well.

Remember, your son is 9, and you are the parent and you are the one who sets the rules in your house. Not the mother. Take care.

[bus boy]

What a topic. My T is very concerned about the phone. S9 mother will get him wanting to go home, she is going to apply more pressure as I build up more and more boundries. Last night I set limits on his phone, told him to text his mom good night and the phone stays down stairs in the living room. Funny thing is, s9 makes sure he responds to every one of mom's texts but it's still not that easy for me to contact him. It's the same as before he got the phone, didn't hear it ring, I was in the washroom,  Internet was down. All the same excuses as before.

[whirlpoollife]

See if there's a setting for blocking numbers at certain times. On my kids newer but inexpensive phones has this.  S9 , you might be able to get away with using that.

When first seperated there was major use by my xh with the phones ... .keeping them on the phone for hours , literally , and texting , at all hours for both. He called my house phone tooso I printed out the phone records showing the calls and highlighted them . I brought it with to show the custody master. He then put limits on the time of day and amount of time for xh to call kids.
Three times a day ... .he uses all three and to this day , from  close to four years, I have to enforce it. 90% of the time I have to say times up for dad.
Same as with you , the calls were to take the kids away from me, don't forget dad, and mostly to spy on what was going on and what I was doing. 

My L made a point to me that I cannot deny access xh to kids and vice versa yet limits have to be made now because it's not going to change.

[Turkish]

This is of course the lack of object constancy and enmeshment that many of us experienced while in our relationships.  It was hard enough to deal with the constant texting and contact as adults,  but for a child it must so much harder. 

I don't know about you,  bb, but it was very validating for a while ("she's really into me! ". However,  is neither normal nor healthy.  A child will fall into the same trap as seeing the one way street of need as being love. 

She limiting and making excuses on her time likely isn't going to change. I'd abandon trying to gain reciprocity.  Focus on your domain: the boundary suggestions as others have said.  Your young to protect your son by teaching him healthy boundaries.  I'm interested in this as well because I anticipate some of the enmeshment,  FOG, and lack of object constancy with a few years.