Stuck in endless 'grey area', anyone else?

[Zinnia21]

Sometimes it's sparked by music, makes me think of him, this person I love. This person who is so unwell but doesn't truly know it. I remember just going out and having fun, having a simple and deep love with him, but of course that got blasted away by his inner destruction button in the end... .

I know those exact days may never come again, with that same reckless abandon. But I'd just love to be out of this grey area! It's the 'broken up and gotten back together several times already' feeling. The desire to just say 'Hey! Do you want to be in this relationship or not?" But they're too unwell to decide, like a rational and balanced person might. I promised myself we wouldn't get this close again without some decisions, some boundaries, some agreement to major help etc... .how does it happen like this... ?
 It leaves you hanging and wondering if you are in fact in a relationship again, but too afraid to push for anything.
And so much trust has been damaged over time, so can we re commit?
 For me that's based on real events such as him suddenly breaking up with me for insane reasons. For him the lack of trust is based on imagined things. Meh. But they must be very real to him

To his credit, in his own way,  he's been hanging in there of late, even if from a self protected place. I know that takes effort, as his flight response is very strong. But he is trying to stick to his promise of not taking off in that crazy way. I think he knows my door would finally close forever if he did this time. He's pretty darn unwell, unstable. Really thinking people are looking at him if we go out to dinner. Still being accusatory and worried if I go out and he gets paranoid about infidelities (which I have shown over and over would never ever happen as I only love him).

It's so confusing the demands he makes compared with his own sketchy idea of 'commitment' at present. He's doing his best despite how bad it looks on paper I guess... .

Anyway, I don't know what to do next. Do I push to 'lock it in', do I leave it as is... ? Anyone get confused in this grey area too? I'm talking about the part where they've returned (when you never thought they ever would) and then it's been a loving reunion (as much as can be under such circumstances), and then a little further down the path comes... .what next... ? Can we recommit properly? Will his coming psych appointments go better than the first? Will it make a difference anyway... ?

Why does it feel like we are just on the edge of happiness and rebonding when we are probably just on the edge of disintegration... .? Anyone relate... ? I guess it's easier for me to say- hey, let's just be happy now! For him, that seems very complicated, ofcourse.

I'm thinking a trip away alone to the beach would be good... Can't handle the slow motion waiting that my life has become. But of course I'd just miss him anyway... .
Oh dear. Help... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Siamese Rescue]

Reading your story was a chilling, shocking account of my life to a tee. I've never seen anyone so accurately describe my relationship with my boyfriend. Every single word was an exact description of my life relationship and experience with him. I once read a book called "Psycopath Free" and if mentioned that with these people you don't know where you stand from day to day. You never know if it's good, ok, or crumbling. I have lived his push and pull, so sweet and nice then so mean and cold for no reason or his perceived reasons and accusing me of being unfaithful. It's so frustrating. Like you, I don't know what to do because being with him stirs a lot of anxiety for me, yet being without him makes me miss him. I'm in the very boat you are in. I would say the best thing I ever do, is get myself as independent as possible and focus on my life as if he could be gone in an instant... .Ironically it's when I do that that he seems to be more attracted to me, but it could go either am way. I juggle the emotions of trying to put all that I can into our relationship because I think it will prove to him how good we are together, or try to remain cool and low key in case he wants to leave... .It's been ten years and I've done both ... .I love him... I don't know what else to say.

[Zinnia21]

Wow Siamese Rescue! Thank you for your response! I'm sorry for your troubles, but happy I'm not alone!

Yes, it really sounds like we are in the same boat indeed. And like you, I've become independent and have really started focussing on my life. But am also stuck between being ready to leave it in an instant, or being ready to throw my whole soul at the relationship... I'm amazed you are 10 yrs in, but also... .not amazed, as I understand the bizarre process one lives through in such a relationship. I am 3 yrs in, and I think we are fairly close to an official diagnosis... .I think anyway... .?

Btw, do all your friends think you're crazy? I mean, mine are surprisingly kind about it considering, but really they just want me to leave him... .

I'm guessing you've tried the big ultimatum talk before... ? I feel one brewing for me, but maybe they have a way of sensing it's coming, and turning sweet again just in time, to avoid it? In which case that makes me like a child who has just watched a man pop all of my balloons right in front of me, and just as I'm about to give up and walk away and cry, he blows up one single balloon and hands it to me, and I'm happy again. Even though He just popped ALL of my balloons and made me cry! And even though the one balloon replacement is much less than the many balloons I actually want. Why am I so happy with this one balloon... ?  ha!
If you know what I mean...

It's so hard living with that feeling they have that pin ready to pop the balloon. I think that's worse for me than any of the other elements. It's a powerless feeling when you know they're having a bad turn, and there's nothing you can do.

Has your boyfriend ever had some therapy or help over the time you've known him?
It's hard when you know the love is real like this, but you want a better life, some control, but god I love him! It'd be nice if something was definite. If they could be actively working towards improving things from their side. I've never known anything like this, it's so hard!

[Zinnia21]

... .also, I feel there are very limited options for socializing together.
Every circle of friends has a trigger person that he doesn't want to see, or he now feels all my friends are judging him, and won't come to a bbq or party anymore.

Or I want to go out dancing with friends, but 'that sleazy dj' is playing there, or my friends who don't mind dancing with strangers will be with me 'influencing' me... .and so on... .

Can't go out with him OR without him. I don't always stand for that, but I know there will usually be repercussions if I've 'forced' him to go to a party with me or if I've gone out alone... .

This one might be just me, but you might also find common ground here.

[Hopeful07]

I know it can seem so great when they come back, you don't want to rock the boat. But from experience I would say you need to. You should be clear with what you want and need and don't agree to things that make you uncomfortable. I don't know what you mean by "sketchy" idea of commitment but it doesn't sound good.

[Zinnia21]

Yes, thanks Hopeful07.
It's true, it's time to put my needs out there at this point. I know it has to happen some time.
By 'sketchy' commitment I mean that he's been pretty acutely in and out of push away episodes the last while, and paranoid accusations. and he feels he can't trust himself to not do this to me if we fully re commit. It's like he wants to be with me but if we get too close the pushing away and paranoia starts up again and so he has to keep me at a slight distance. Hence this 'grey area' I'm caught in. But sadly he is pre diagnosis and has no help or therapy yet.

But yes, the 'back together now' honeymoon is over and I need to know if it's a proper relationship or not. I don't think I can live through this and show him the support he needs if he can't at least make it clear he is totally committed to me.

But can a person who is that unwell really pull themselves together enough to make that call? I feel like I'm waiting for a day when things are clear for a moment, when he's feeling well enough to put some intention behind the situation. But that day isn't likely to come if we just float along I guess...

 I can see he is trying despite his unwell mind, but perhaps at some point I have to stand up and admit that he's too unwell to be in this relationship right now. But it's a huge call to make after everything we've been through.

But last night I did say to him - let's not just hangout again without talking. We need to talk and find some way of working this situation out.

We are going to talk today, who knows the outcome... .?

[Hopeful07]

Good luck! Let us know how it goes

[Zinnia21]

Well, he's just ended it with me after a bout of crazy accusations. And that was BEFORE the talk even started! It's break up number 4 and I'm not going back for more.
I was so committed and patient, but it doesn't count for much compared with all of the imagined things I've done or might do I guess.
I even feel silly for having been on the 'improving' board at all.
I feel like there's no way around it this time and I'm not even going to cry.
Atleast I won't have to walk this tightrope anymore, wondering when I'll be pushed off again.

[Hopeful07]

I'm sorry that happened, I'm in the same boat. Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

[lar, laris]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Zinnia 21.  I am in a similar situation, and it hurts like the dickens, doesn't it?. I am new here, and so only have tentative things to say based on my own experience.  I don't think you should feel bad at all for posting in the "improving" list; I did the same, because, like you seem to be, I am trying to be committed to bettering myself, first, and, if the chance presents itself, being present in healthier ways for my loved one. I've come to understand/believe he needs help more than my "grey zone" stasis.  (I really relate to that aspect of what you are/were talking about.)  My thoughts are with you as you continue on your journey. And your words about your loved one are beautiful.  For myself, I have to see the beauty in what is broken.  I am so glad (I thought today) that I can love.  I am sad that my LO struggles so much.

 lars, laris