Introduction, support in co-parenting with BPD ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all-

Below I am pasting the introduction I posted on the failing/failed relationship board so you can get a bit of background.

I'm new to this BPD co-parenting thing (or at least knowing about BPD) and I'm a little terrified. My ex so far has been OK with the kids but her MO is delaying parenting discussions and dealing with co-parenting issues so that I then have to email her more often to ask for communication. She is very passive aggressive. Anyway, I am sure there will be many other issues I need advice on and hopefully eventually give some advice too! I am so happy to have found this place!

Thanks! (see intro below)

Hi all- 

"I've been reading this site for weeks. I am recently separated (3 months) from an ex partner I now know has BPD. It's a complicated story- as everyone's is- but here are some of the basics. We have two kids and were together 16 years. We tried couple's therapy a number of times but her insistence that I was her "abuser" and her black and white thinking always led to her deciding to leave therapy if she was remotely challenged by the therapist. She is VERY tied to her victim identity. Anyway, my own therapist had in recent years brought up the issue of gaslighting with me and it certainly fit a lot of what was going on, but it was our children's therapists who brought up the issue of BPD. Our split seemed amicable at first but then when the split actually happened she completely lost it, stopped communicating about our kids, even managed to get a restraining order against me based completely on fabrication (through my lawyer and the threat of having her sit for a deposition I was able to get her to back down, but at great financial and emotional cost to me). Anyway, now that that crisis had died down I'm struggling with a number of things- the realization of how badly I was treated for so long, coming to terms with the self-esteem and self-doubt issues that kept me with her and making excuses for her for so many years, co-parenting (or trying to) with someone with BPD etc. I also find myself struggling with feeling sorry for her and also being oddly jealous and upset that she already had a new woman waiting in the wings when she left. I say this is odd because I don't want to reconcile with her and I know I am better off without her. However, again due to the above-referenced self-esteem issues, the idea of this woman still bothers me. The heart and the head aren't communicating yet. Anyway, I am grateful to have found this site and will likely read and post more frequently now that I am actually registered   Learning more about BPD is liberating but also difficult because I know I will never be completely free of this person while we share children. Thanks! B "

[Bcn]

Hi all-

Below I am pasting the introduction I posted on the failing/failed relationship board so you can get a bit of background.

I'm new to this BPD co-parenting thing (or at least knowing about BPD) and I'm a little terrified. My ex so far has been OK with the kids but her MO is delaying parenting discussions and dealing with co-parenting issues so that I then have to email her more often to ask for communication. She is very passive aggressive. Anyway, I am sure there will be many other issues I need advice on and hopefully eventually give some advice too! I am so happy to have found this place!

Thanks! (see intro below)

Hi all- 

"I've been reading this site for weeks. I am recently separated (3 months) from an ex partner I now know has BPD. It's a complicated story- as everyone's is- but here are some of the basics. We have two kids and were together 16 years. We tried couple's therapy a number of times but her insistence that I was her "abuser" and her black and white thinking always led to her deciding to leave therapy if she was remotely challenged by the therapist. She is VERY tied to her victim identity. Anyway, my own therapist had in recent years brought up the issue of gaslighting with me and it certainly fit a lot of what was going on, but it was our children's therapists who brought up the issue of BPD. Our split seemed amicable at first but then when the split actually happened she completely lost it, stopped communicating about our kids, even managed to get a restraining order against me based completely on fabrication (through my lawyer and the threat of having her sit for a deposition I was able to get her to back down, but at great financial and emotional cost to me). Anyway, now that that crisis had died down I'm struggling with a number of things- the realization of how badly I was treated for so long, coming to terms with the self-esteem and self-doubt issues that kept me with her and making excuses for her for so many years, co-parenting (or trying to) with someone with BPD etc. I also find myself struggling with feeling sorry for her and also being oddly jealous and upset that she already had a new woman waiting in the wings when she left. I say this is odd because I don't want to reconcile with her and I know I am better off without her. However, again due to the above-referenced self-esteem issues, the idea of this woman still bothers me. The heart and the head aren't communicating yet. Anyway, I am grateful to have found this site and will likely read and post more frequently now that I am actually registered   Learning more about BPD is liberating but also difficult because I know I will never be completely free of this person while we share children. Thanks! B "

[Turkish]

You've probably concluded that she isn't likely to change,  and I'm glad you got through the false accusation. Continuing to have clear boundaries can protect you legally.  We can help with how the kids are doing,  too.

How old are your kids and what's the custody schedule?  How do the kids handle things? 

[Bcn]

You've probably concluded that she isn't likely to change,  and I'm glad you got through the false accusation. Continuing to have clear boundaries can protect you legally.  We can help with how the kids are doing,  too.

How old are your kids and what's the custody schedule?  How do the kids handle things? 

Hi There-  The kids are 9 years old (twins). I have them Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights and she has them Monday ad Tuesday nights. We switch off weekends. I work an academic schedule so I will also have time off when they have winter break, spring break, etc. My ex does not have a very flexible schedule. During these vacation times I will often have them during the days though the overnights will remain the same. I wouldn't say the kids are doing great but, I would say they are going through normal divorce issues- my daughter hates switching homes, they want us back together etc. I am lucky to have a lot of very supportive family and friends. My ex is fairly isolated with a pretty dysfunctional family and few friends, most of whom are "negative advocate" types. I am working to maintain boundaries. She is the passive aggressive type who will withhold contact rather than pestering me so, it is a power play for her not to respond when I email her with a question about the kids' care etc. While we were still together there were already some signs of parental alienation so I am keeping my eyes open for that. I will be glad when the legal and financial papers are filed. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thankfully I was able to keep the house. It is a hardship for me but it is important for the kids to have it as a home base. Anyway, I'm trying not to wallow in guilt and regret... .This is a great place to find support! Thanks!