In a new relationship with BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I thought I would join you all as my new partner of a few months has told me that she was diagnosed with BPD. I had a father with bipolar disorder so I have some understanding of mental health but don't know a lot about BPD. I am a little concerned that although we have a very good connection on an emotional and intellectual level, I am withdrawing when I sense a neediness in the way that she shows affection for me. This could be residue from my father who used to show love in a very 'needy' sort of way. When she does something for me she seems to need a lot of acknowledgement and praise for the things she does, and it makes me feel awkward. I care a lot about her, but am worried that things could turn pear shaped if I let her into my life in a more serious way. If it wasn't for the anxiety and BPD I would marry her tomorrow. So I am very fond of her - and we are able to have open discussions, but I would like to keep my head screwed on and research as much as possible to understand better. I will say that I am not entirely convinced she entirely fits the bill for BPD. So i would curious to figure out whether it's possible she could have been misdiagnosed. However she is self aware and has had a lot of therapy so perhaps she largely has it under control. I look forward to learning more on this forum!

[moneypenny]

Hello, I thought I would join you all as my new partner of a few months has told me that she was diagnosed with BPD. I had a father with bipolar disorder so I have some understanding of mental health but don't know a lot about BPD. I am a little concerned that although we have a very good connection on an emotional and intellectual level, I am withdrawing when I sense a neediness in the way that she shows affection for me. This could be residue from my father who used to show love in a very 'needy' sort of way. When she does something for me she seems to need a lot of acknowledgement and praise for the things she does, and it makes me feel awkward. I care a lot about her, but am worried that things could turn pear shaped if I let her into my life in a more serious way. If it wasn't for the anxiety and BPD I would marry her tomorrow. So I am very fond of her - and we are able to have open discussions, but I would like to keep my head screwed on and research as much as possible to understand better. I will say that I am not entirely convinced she entirely fits the bill for BPD. So i would curious to figure out whether it's possible she could have been misdiagnosed. However she is self aware and has had a lot of therapy so perhaps she largely has it under control. I look forward to learning more on this forum!

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[jrharvey]

How long have you been dating? That makes a huge difference.

Me and my girlfriend dated 8 months before I sensed something was really wrong. The beginning phase of a relationship with someone with BPD is amazing. In my experience my GF treated me like an absolute king. I was the best thing to ever happen to her and she wanted to show me. It was everything I was looking for.

Later on she started throwing tantrums and literally exploding with threats of breaking up over what I thought were minor things. I didn't know anything about BPD. I thought she was just very sensitive and I needed to understand her better. Since she said it was all my wrong doing I set out to fix myself over and over and over and over again. As time went on these blowups happened more often. She would break up and beg for me back then break up and beg again. It was all so confusing. I didn't know what was going on. People were telling me something was very wrong but I just thought they didn't understand. I thought she was just very needy.

The more this happened the more I wanted to get back to that feeling from the first 8 months. I believed I was messing things up and trying desperately to "fix" my wrongness but no matter what I changed or tried to fix there was always something else. Nothing was ever right for her. She gradually got abusive. Emotionally and physically over her extreme jealousy and insecurity. I had to call the cops on her because of some thing she imagined in her head and she got physically abusive and tried to break my front window.

Now that I know what is going on and know that there is nothing I can do to "fix" anything it helps a lot.

I will say if she has been diagnosed you are probably in better shape than me. You have a head start and can learn a lot. If you really love her then maybe you can make it work but EXPECT an emotional roller coaster. DO NOT try to fix her. DO NOT let your whole life get sucked in to this disorder like I did. Im only now coming out of a depression because I am finally letting go. Im finally living my life and not letting BPD control me. When you try to control BPD it actually controls you.

[motherhen]

  there is a pretty decent comorbidity with Bipolar and BPD so you may find that some things trigger you. If she's had a goof amount of therapy she may be near recovered though times of stress can bring out the BPD symptoms again. This may be why you question the diagnosis. You will want to go very slow, as BPD relationships tend to progress very quickly and intensely and this often ends up with the non getting in over their head.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello!
I am so glad with all your sharings!
It sounds a lot like my relationship!
The first 3 months were great (till I HAD to meet his family)
It all had to go so very fast where I wanted it slowly (have had enough love-trouble)
Luckyly I listened to the advise of a therapist for NOT to live together and not to give my key.

True... .it feels like I beg to have the first happy months back.
It feels like I want to control BPD and... .YES... .it controls me!
Freeky!
I pray and get on with my life... .

[bunny4523]

If it wasn't for the anxiety and BPD I would marry her tomorrow. So I am very fond of her - and we are able to have open discussions, but I would like to keep my head screwed on and research as much as possible to understand better.

Welcome!
You are doing the right thing becoming aware and also please take your time.  I worked with my exBPD partner for 7 years, I saw quirkinous (spelling?) but did not realize the extent of it.  We dated for about 7 -8 months where things seemed ok... .we had some things come up but he talked his way out of it.  Looking back now I see the red flags but he didn't unleash the beast until I sold everything, uprooted my son, got engaged to him and moved in with him.  Within a month, he was raging and kicked me out for the first time because my hair appointment and shopping for my friends birthday party took all day which meant I didn't want to be with him.  My boxes weren't even completely unpacked yet.  It devastated me.  The switch from getting engaged and thinking we were going to spend the rest of our lives together to being devalued and dismissed over something so minor.  So please take your time.  The closer you get emotional to them, the more dysfunction you will see.  Right now you are still in the idealization phase so it's honeymoon period right now. 

There is a chance that she understands her BPD due to the therapy... .everyone is different.  Just be open to both options and set your boundaries now.  If they are crossed, get out... .because it will only get worse.

Best wishes,
Bunny