Does a third party being involved tend to trigger you more

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it just me or does a third party being involved tend to trigger you more? like a brother or family member? It seems overtime my husband and i come around the family we fight and it lingers but when we remain way we tend to argue a lot less.

Why is that?

[Baulwin]

Is it just me or does a third party being involved tend to trigger you more? like a brother or family member? It seems overtime my husband and i come around the family we fight and it lingers but when we remain way we tend to argue a lot less.

Why is that?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Baulwin, BPD people are often insecure and afraid of abandonment. So there will be a huge fuss made about seeing family or friends because it means you have a support system and are not totally reliant on your BPD person for company. There are different ways around the issue. First up is probably best to do an inventory of the problem family/friend which causes trouble. Bring a trusted friend with and get a second opinion. Maybe your family is really not treating him well? Or maybe they do not   treat you well and that enrages him?
Second step is to have boundaries. Try to negotiate how often you see family/ friends or invite them over, and then no matter how hard stick to the agreement. If it is you can see them for an hour every Sunday or whatever then do not be manipulated into giving up your hour. It will be hard in the beginning but eventually when he sees you are serious about the boundaries the pressure will lessen.
Lastly do not get sucked in. When there are arguments about your social life do not JADE. You can find out more about JADE in the lessons on the right which are really good in helping you reduce conflict. Good luck and let us know how it goes.  , khib

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In 1966 Murray Bowen, M.D. published Bowen's family systems theory. One of the most critical elements of Bowen's eight part theory was the concept of triangulation in the family. Simply put, when someone finds themself in conflict with another person they will reach out to a third person. The resulting triangle (e.g., three-person exchange) is more comfortable as the tension is shifted around three people instead of just two.

Triangulation is widely recognized as a stabilizing factor in a family, at work, among social groups, etc. We all engage in triangulation because triangles help us cope when we are struggling with another person.

While triangulation is an important stabilizing factor, at times triangulation can be a seriously destabilizing factor.  "Bad triangulation" (i.e., pathological triangulation) can cause more turmoil in a relationship, polarizing communications and causing conflict to escalate.

Here are some ideas on how to work through this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle