BPD behavior coming back

[BowlOfPetunias]

As you may remember, I had been very worried that my wife would snap while I was recovering from surgery, and was surprised that she turned out to be very helpful.  Things seemed to have gotten better, and our marriage counselor suggested stopping (which we did.)

A few weeks ago, her rage came back, partially in reaction to behavior from our kids--but she really took her anger out on them.  But also on me--why didn't I know that our son was eating all of the pudding in the kitchen when I was working in the dining room and could not see what he was doing?  Why didn't I stop him?

One of her past behaviors was to be very inconsiderate about tv and then get mad at me.  About a year ago, she wanted to see a show on DVR and I agreed that I would get our daughter (who has OCD symptoms) to bed by myself so she could do so.  When the night came, I was surprised that she had decided--without asking me--that it was "family movie night."  After the movie was over--at least 10 pm--she announced that it was not my responsibility to get our daughter to bed without any help so she would watch her show.  We got into a fight because I would not accept her changing the terms of our agreement without asking me and then expecting me to go along.  Also, she had a pattern of staying up late watching TV in our bedroom so I could not go to sleep.

Our bedroom has been a real mess lately, largely because she has not been putting her laundry away.  On Saturday at 11 pm, she said she wanted to spend half an our watching a movie and putting clothes away.  I agreed and said I would go downstairs and read.  When I came back, the bed was still completely covered in clothes and I pointed out that I expected it to have been at least partially cleared by then.  She then told me she just wanted to finish watching one scene.  Several scenes later, she said, "Oh, I said 'scene' but I meant 'sequence.'"  She was upset that I wanted her to honor her word and turn it off.  I pointed out that she does not accept this behavior from our kids when they just want to finish a game level or watch the end of a scene on tv.  She kept asking me again and again things like "why are you attacking me" or "what's wrong with wanting to finish the sequence?"  When I answered her questions, she claimed that this was "haranguing" her.  She said she was sorry, but expected me to apologize as well because I had "harangued" her.  I told her that she had not really accepted responsibility for breaking her word--the problem was not that she went back on her word, but rather that I did not know that 'scene' really meant 'sequence' of scenes until the hero rescued somebody.  (Keep in mind that she had no way of knowing how long it would take to rescue them.)  She didn't really break her promise because she really promised something completely different from what she told me she was promising!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[schwing]

I wonder if it might be helpful to start up the marriage counseling again?  Especially if you found that things had improved then?

[NotThatGuy]

On Saturday at 11 pm, she said she wanted to spend half an our watching a movie and putting clothes away.  . . She then told me she just wanted to finish watching one scene.  Several scenes later, she said, "Oh, I said 'scene' but I meant 'sequence.'"  . . .She didn't really break her promise because she really promised something completely different from what she told me she was promising!

This sounds exactly like my 5yo! "Just one more segment!  Not a whole episode!" 

I agree with going back to marital counselling.   Keeping things tidy is a major challenge in our house as well, with my wife often refusing to do things she usually *would* do, because I'd asked, and denying that something that previously bothered her is a problem once I say that it bothers me.  It lets her cast me as the bad guy, the tyrant who expects her to slave away constantly to keep the house clean, no matter what is going on with her.  And promises, mine or hers, mean what she says they do-- arguing about this does not have a helpful result.   

The only solution I've found is not to engage about it.  The house doesn't get cleaner right away, but when the choice is messy house, or messy house + huge fight, I'll take the house without the fight, and thank you.  Things that absolutely have to get done, I do myself.  As things de-escalated, she has started keeping the house up to her own standards again.  If she's said she would do something, and she doesn't, she'll sometimes be able to participate in a problem-solving conversation about how to get the task done, as long as I don't bring up the fact that she'd said she would do it.  As in, "Hey, I'm feeling kind of tired and ready to go to sleep.  It is hard for me to sleep if the bed is covered in clothes and the TV is on in the room.  What are your thoughts about how we can handle this?"

It's not fair or appropriate not to be able to count on what she says, or explicitly acknowledge the discrepancy between words and actions. But I've found that direct confrontation isn't usually helpful.  If she confronts me about something, I try to validate the underlying feeling, "You seem really upset about X, which makes sense because Y," and then redirecting it to joint problem solving: "What do you think we can do so X doesn't happen again?"  That works a good percentage of the time, for me.

Hope you can find something that works for you.  But things got better for you guys before.  If nothing else then this, too, should pass.