Years of trying to manage my now adult daughter, she has to leave.

[riversea]

Hi Everyone,

I have never posted for help before but I sure do need it.  I have worked with emotionally disturbed children for the past 15 years and although I know intellectually what I am dealing with, I seem incapable of making good decisions when it comes to my young adult daughter.  My daughter has been quite severely mentally ill for her entire life.  The hallmark of her illness is profound attention-seeking behavior.  She has been in an out of psychiatric hospitals, 4 years in a locked residential treatment facility, takes herself to the hospital frequently for "anxiety" that she tells the professionals is due to her crazy parents. She is volatile, sexually promiscuous(currently accepting money from older men that she meets online), up all night and in general, distressing everyone in the house.  My husband and I both have cancer but we cannot afford to get treatment because my daughter incurs massive bills with psychiatrists, medical facilities(they test her for everything- it's all negative and they send her home, and legal situations that she gets herself into.  We have sold everything we own to get her treatment and nothing works.  My daughter is beautiful, has an IQ of 152 but unfortunately is a highly skilled liar and manipulator.  She manipulates and tells grandiose lies to everyone she meets and then when found out, flies into a rage and accuses the person of all manner of things. 

I am sitting here today knowing that I need to have a tumor biopsied and that my husband has to start his chemo treatments.  But we are not doing either of those things.  We are both taking on second jobs to pay the current psychologist and to treat my daughter for the umpteenth STD she picked up from her latest hook-up.  My daughter screams at all of us almost continuously and her most recent strategy is to accuse my husband of sexual abuse and me of all manner of other abuse.  My teenage son is absolutely destroyed from living in our home and has been diagnosed with PTSD from the situation.  He had to leave college due to the years of craziness here, leaving him with severe anxiety.  He is devastated and spends his days shut in his bedroom so he can't hear my daughter yelling.

We tried an apartment situation last year for my daughter where we paid for a lovely little one bedroom(roommates won't stay a day with my child) in a safe area.  She trashed the apartment, got into drunken fights with men in the middle of the night and took up with a convicted felon who is now in jail for beating her. 

My husband has been ready to throw in the towel for a long time but I can't seem to stop saving her.  I am convinced that if I don't pick up the phone at all hours(she calls all during the night for me to emotionally support one crisis after another), then that will be the time that she will end up murdered in some city.

I have to get my daughter out of our house or none of us will make it.  I am finally ready to do that, but how?  My daughter can't keep a job, believes others are crazy not her, is an alcoholic and will not get disability because "I don't have a problem".  My marriage has been destroyed but I will not let my son bear witness to the siege state of our house any longer. I have to find a way to end this madness.  I have read countless books and I do know that my child must leave.  My husband and I are literally killing ourselves trying to save what I have finally come to realize is unsaveable. What are the mechanics of doing that?  She is 20 years old.

Thank you so very much for any wise words.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bpd mother]

O dear riversea  I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this my heart goes out to you.

I am afraid I don't have any wise words just my concern for you and my prayers.

It is obvious that you love your daughter very much but I agree the time has come to put yourself your husband and your son first. I live in the uk and so things are different here. Our health system is far from perfect especially with mental health problems but your biopsy and your husbands chemo would be taken care of on the NHS .

I hope someone will come along with some practical advice on how to handle all of this. Please don't feel guilty about your daughter you have done everything humanly possible and then some to help her.

[mggt]

Oh My, You all have been through so much your health has to come first in my opinion go to the doctors and take care of yourself I totally understand you wanting to help your d it is engrained in us to always love them no matter what. Please go to drs and get the help you need .  My heart goes out to you and your family its a very long road so time to take care of you .  Sending love hugs and many prayers mggt  

[Gorges]

Thank you so much for posting.  We just put into motion our own daughter leaving and your post helps me and reminds me to take care of myself and my son.

[riversea]

Thanks for all the kind words.  We are afraid to embark on treatment for ourselves because an emergency with my D is always just a day away.  Often these emergencies are just that and immediate action has to be taken(takes herself to the hospital when she is feeling suicidal sometimes twice a week).  We have $30,000 in uncovered medical bills just from last year from all of her, "I really thought I was going to die" visits to the ER where they do all the testing and send her home with a diagnosis of anxiety.  Just last night she kept the whole family up ALL night screaming and laughing during continuous phone calls to her friends on the west coast.  We are committed to getting her out of our house and joining this forum has been empowering to me.  We have $227 left to our name right now after paying a lawyer for her latest troubles.  She actually wants to move to "a city by the sea where I can get away from all of you toxic people and be happy".  That works for me.  I read so many posts on here yesterday about moving your adult child out and how to set strict and clear boundaries. I really think I can do that.  The part where I know I am going to waffle is when the hospital calls and tells me that she has been beaten up by some guy she hooked up with while drunk and needs to come back home.  Can I turn away from that call?  I'm not sure.

[jmunger]

How very heartbreaking; it hurts to just think of your situation. It seems the one thing you can say is that you have done the very best you can for her. It will probably be difficult to transition into thinking of and caring for yourself, but remember the instructions on a flight, "If the cabin suddenly loses pressure, put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help another." Practicing self-compassion is essential.

[wendydarling]

Hello riversea and welcome I'm glad you posted your first post and understand it's a leap of faith into the unknown, as you say it's an empowering experience to know you are not alone. To be dealing with mental and health issues across your family is overwhelming, heart breaking to be torn in every direction. My heart goes out to you, I'm thinking of you  . I echo advice above take care of yourself and see your Dr firstly.

WDx

[lbjnltx]

Hello riversea, I am glad that you are here and sorry to learn how dire your health and financial situations have become. 

Have you considered providing your daughter a list of resources to help her transition out of your home and into the world?  Resources such as where to get a hot meal for free, forms for getting govt health insurance, a list of night shelters, low cost hotels/housing, job training, bus schedule, etc... .

If or when the call comes for financial assistance/insurance coverage you will have handy a resource (other than yourself) to provide... .it will also help ease the guilty feelings that you may have.

lbj

[galaxy]

Hi riversea,
I've read your post and the answers you have received.  I feel the same sympathy for you as the others do.  We have a son with BPD and have gone through our own pain for nearly 30 years - but we didn't have a problem with him leaving the house.  However, I have a friend who is dealing with much the same problem as you are and she has difficulty telling her son that he is old enough (40s) to take care of himself and can't stay with her, borrow her car, borrow money, etc. any more.  She lives in HUD housing and barely has enough to live on herself.  I see what it does to her so I can understand the pain you and your husband are in.

I agree with the others in saying you need to take care of yourself & your husband first.  Letting your health go untreated won't help her or your son. There are agencies, churches, shelters, etc that will help her.  Call a church, even if you're not a member, and ask for a list of places that can help. Also, there are hospital ERs that take people who can't pay.  I can imagine how hard that will be because she is still young and, as a parent, you naturally want to help her. 

Years ago I learned - the hard way - that no matter how much we tried to help my husband's alcoholic brother the truth was that nothing would help until he was ready to ask for help and then do what he had to do. Letting go was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Take care of yourself and keep using this site. I wish you well.

Galaxy

[need a break]

Hi,
As I am reading your post it is as if you and I have shared the same experience. We have spent over $ 100,000 to make our daughter better, or cure her I should say.
My daughter is 28 and has been mentally ill, bi polar, borderline and drug addict since around 13. She has been in and out of treatment facilities 25-30 times in her life.
My husband and i have done without to help her so I get it.
I have been able to get my daughter disability (SSDI), she gets $843.00 a month. She never worked but did reach their criteria for severe mental illness. She also gets an ebt card (115.00 for food) .
I am more than happy to help you with the mechanics of getting your daughter federal help. May I ask what state and or country you are in?
I am in Los Angeles CA so am versed on our mental health rules. Have you reached out to NAMI?

I do not want to upset you but need for you to know that for us nothing has changed, her behavior has actually gotten worse since becoming an adult. When she was younger we had a certain amount of control. There are many of us who must be estranged from our kids if nothing else but for self preservation.
The best care money could buy has not helped our girl, so we just stopped paying for any more treatments. Like most parents of adult children on this sight we do not know where she is or who she is with or what she is doing etc. We all wait for the dreaded phone call (s) saying she is in jail or dead or hurt.

You are not alone and I do understand the trauma of getting her out of the house.  We changed locks, I do not answer her calls or texts. My daughter is gone and we are grieving.  Letting go is and always will be the hardest thing we have ever done. But I know we have done everything possible. It sounds like you have done everything possible as well. 
I am here you for you and am very aware of the struggle that is ahead of you. Please reach out to me anytime.

[riversea]

Gosh, what a great group here.  We have been dealing with our D now not speaking to us for a few days because we did not listen to her latest screaming tantrum over me confronting her about spending the "dire emergency" money I gave her on a clothes buying spree.  We decided to walk away.  Now my daughter is telling us that she will be moving out as soon as she can- if only that were true.

I want to tell you that I am particularly grateful for the posters who have shared the details of their personal stories because they echo mine and for a bit, the immense feeling of isolation goes away.  I know no one in our family's position and the NAMI support group we attended was not helpful to our family because everyone had a child with a different diagnosis and let's face it, BPD is a breed of it's own. 

I am hoping for a weekend where I can get something done and am crossing my fingers that a decent job opportunity interview goes well for me this week.  If I get the job, I will have to leave my daughter in the house alone all day which has it own set of serious concerns.  Ugh!

Thanks again for your supportive replies.

riversea

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skye1947]

A 20 year old is an adult  You and your husband have a life which sounds like it is being destroyed. You have a right to have a good life and to take care of yourself.  You can't do that with the situation as it is. I hate to say it but "Tough Love" seems like the way to go.  I did it to my 20 year old pregnant borderline daughter who is now 37 and we are raising her two children. She is is jail.  When she was at her worse we had to turn her out. Drugs complicated the issue but when she finally had to face the consequences of her actions some changes were made.  They took a long time, but at least she was gone and we were able to maintain our sanity. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am thankful for the peace I have today.  I will pray for you and your family and encourage you to do what I think you know you need to.

[bunny4523]

Hi Riversea,

I watched my mom go through something similar with my brother.  Years of trying to save him and it only deteriorated her own health.  If you are ready, I believe it is time for tough love as others have mentioned here.  

The longer you keep her from falling, the higher she will climb.  Sometimes it's better to let them fall when they are only a few feet from the ground.  We finally found out that if we don't jump in to SAVE my brother, the state will come in and help.  I'm not sure where you live but we found as long as he had family support... .no one helped.  My brother had is own place that my mom paid for.  He didn't work at all, he had multiple diagnosis of mental illness and brain trauma.  He tormented and caused havoc to other tenants to the point he was evicted.  My mom would beg and plead for them to keep him and it worked many times.  Finally I went with my mom to meet with the landlord.  The landlord was crying, at her wits end saying she is being pressured to evict him but is trying not to.  I told her, "evict him please." Because I knew that would be the only way he could get help. My mom was very upset with me but I knew it had to be done.  My brother refused to leave and the police had to come out to have him exit the apartment.  Once he had no place to live and we refused to step in, the state arranged for his medical treatment and the diagnosis lead him to Board and Care facility where he was prescribed medication that was mandatory.  

When my brother was at his worst, we ourselves had to call the police.  We had to have him picked up for 51/50 every time he crossed the lines, appeared to be a danger to himself or others.  We had to stop saving him and protecting him.  It was so hard, especially for my mom.  We were afraid but it turned out to be an amazing blessing.

My brother is so much better now.  We only visit him once a month because he is in a different county.  But no more rages, no reckless behaviors, he isn't yelling and telling us how much he hates us.  I think one of the hardest things for my mom to accept is keeping on the medication, she doesn't want to accept he isn't well.  I have to remind her this is who he is now.  This is still better than the rages and living in fear.  He is more quiet now, I think the meds calm his thoughts so he is less interactive with us.  That is hard for my mom, but I remind her that he is happy and he isn't hurting himself or anyone else anymore.  

You've got to be exhausted, I hope you can find that support that will help you so you can start enjoying your life again.

Bunny