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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: we can push there buttons  (Read 384 times)
bus boy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« on: July 20, 2016, 04:02:02 AM »

Co parenting with a npd/BPD is non existent they make everything difficult for the non pd parent with no regard for the child. Yesterday I text my ex saying there is a mistake in the court order. I have an origional and other events my lawyer done up for the judge to sign but she made a mistake on my weekend access pick up time, one says 4:00 pm on access day, the other says 6:00 pm.  I brought this to my ex wife's attention,  that pick up time should be 4:00. She shot back a text " 6:00". I said s9 and I are going to a car race, it starts at 6:00, we will miss the race. She would not budge. I just left it at that. She is going on vacation time, took, for dirt, my weekend access as part of her vacation, I will not see s9 for 21 days starting on Monday.  I also asked when s9 starts day camp, she did not reply. The order is crystal clear, she must keep me informed about everything. She is helping me so much. She is so wrapped up in hurting me she forgets we have court coming up. I laugh at her. Last access weekend she text me saying I should use the same shampoo on s9 as she does. I text back saying how matted his hair was when I picked him up, I'll teach him how to wash his hair. Let me tell the sparks were flying in her next text. I just left her hanging, did not respond, left her stew in her own juices.
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Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2016, 11:24:30 AM »

I imagine you're taking date-stamped pictures of his hair when you pick him up, right?

Sounds like she's violating the order all over the place.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
bus boy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2016, 07:52:46 PM »

Hi Turkish, I don't get it, we have court coming up and she is breaking the order bad. S9 had day camp all week, she didn't tell me, I asked her on Tuesday when it started. She doesn't know I instructed my lawyer, to cancel the settlement confrience and go stright to trial. The stronger I get, the more boundaries I put up the horribly worse she gets. This is my access day. S9 was in day camp until 3:00, my pick up time is 4:00. I get off work at 3:00, day camp is 2 minutes from work, ex and I work in the same town but she lives 30km from her work so she picked s9 up at day camp any took him home, I had to end up driving an extra 75km for nothing bc she is so unreasonable. I don't know what the judge is going to think of that. I am refusing to cut back on access time, I don't respond to her ignorant remarks so I am the bad guy. It's so clear, as hard as she tries to show it, her actions speak volumes that she hasn't moved on or did any kind of growing. She sees my growing and is trying to crush me but the harder she tries the stronger I get.
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ForeverDad
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2016, 04:42:06 PM »

Hopefully you will get something included or added in the order to address such issues.  I had a temp order with many issues yet my court never changed it even though it could have been easily tweaked.  Even my lawyer said to live with it.  I lived with her obstruction and games for years.

Meanwhile I moved up from alternate weekends to equal time to legal custody.  When there were still problems, I sought majority time (again).  Your incident reminded me of one of my complaints from about 4 or 5 years after the final decree.  My time was to begin 6 pm before Independence Day.  Work ended early that day so I asked her to let me pick him up from her day camp a couple hours early that day.  She said No, wait for the exchange.  Like you, I drove to my local stores (about 30 miles) then returned back abut 10 miles to the exchange location.  She didn't show.  After the exchange window ended, I called her and she told me to pick him up at summer camp (even closer to my work).  I said, No, you come here, you told me to wait, so here I am.  I ended up calling a local sheriff to come take my report.  I had recorded the calls and he clearly saw she was playing games to frustrate me.  Court listened to several calls and the decision stated she had been disparaging me.  I got majority time during the school year, but it took 8 years in all (since separation) to finally get that.
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bus boy
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« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2016, 06:02:55 AM »

Your struggle sounds so much like mine. Yesterday I went to the town office with my court order to show that we have joint custody and requested to see s9's registration form for summer day camp and NPD/BPD ex had her friend/ coworker listed as the next of kin/ guardian. I hope with the copy of that form and the journals I've been keeping, the judge will open her eyes. In our small town, the judge you get for the first trial is the judge you always get. At first, she was on board, gave the ex a good reeming. Now she's getting tired of seeing us, getting ticked that we can't settle s9 issues. I hope this time my lawyer can that no issue will ever be resolved. It's been 100% no compromise on ex's part. My lawyer strongly advised me to skip the settle ment confrience and go to trial. That's what I'm doing. S settlement confrience is a waste of time when dealing with NPD/ BPD people. The judge can't rule, only guide. It's clear, this one is not working. Another confrience would only mean another long delay in getting to trial.
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2016, 10:29:20 AM »

I recall my Custody Evaluator's initial report to the court included this in the summary, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  That spoke volumes.  I moved up from non-custodial alternate-weekend father in the temp order to shared parenting, equal time and Residential Parent in the Trial Day settlement.  Three years later, legal custody.  Three years more, majority time.  Why?  Because my ex continued to obstruct.  Why in steps?  Because the court was unwilling to make drastic changes, instead expecting lesser changes would be enough.

From your posts I believe you are non-primary parent with less than equal time?  It may be difficult for you to flip the parenting to become primary parent with majority time.  However, that is not unreasonable to seek because (1) you can tell the court, as my CE did, that you can share your child while she clearly can't and (2) asking for everything that would address the entire range of issues gives the judge room to nix a few but still let you walk out with a much better order.  (It seems judges don't want one parent to feel the total loser while the other parent feels the total winner.)

So you can seek majority time and not feel bad if you walk out with equal time.  And you can seek full custody but walk out with second best — yes, the same joint custody — but with Residential Parent with Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  (DM or TB may not sound like much but effectively it is a watered down form of sole custody that lets the other parent still claim joint custody but not able to significantly obstruct.)
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