Coping with silent treatment BPD father to his son

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have read a lot about silent treatment by BPD parent to children, and the effect of this emotional abuse. Particularly by the mother. Does any mother here have experience of dealing with this situation with a BPD father?

 Watching my BPD husband do this to S12 is hurtful for me, I realise the game is designed to hurt and control me, BPDh knows it makes me sad and even get angry. At least get a reaction and engage with him. Yesterday BPDh said it was up to me to send S12 to his dad to apologise to him for something that happened 3 days ago. My son was rude to his dad, but the. Bpd dad overreacted aggressively and my son kicked him as he thought his father was about to hit him.

What is worse we are on holiday. Its been an unbearable atmosphere for 2 days. And during this time BPDh will try and cuddle and kiss me, knowing I feel upset by the situation and that when this is going on I dont feel affectionate at all.

What is the right tactic?

Can I set a boundary and say if you give ST to kids I feel hurt and I cant be affectionate to you?

Or should I pretend it doesnt affect me... .very hard

Should I say to both of them get over it, sort it out make the peace so we can have a good holiday and there is no bad atmosphere?

[Cmjo]

I have read a lot about silent treatment by BPD parent to children, and the effect of this emotional abuse. Particularly by the mother. Does any mother here have experience of dealing with this situation with a BPD father?

 Watching my BPD husband do this to S12 is hurtful for me, I realise the game is designed to hurt and control me, BPDh knows it makes me sad and even get angry. At least get a reaction and engage with him. Yesterday BPDh said it was up to me to send S12 to his dad to apologise to him for something that happened 3 days ago. My son was rude to his dad, but the. Bpd dad overreacted aggressively and my son kicked him as he thought his father was about to hit him.

What is worse we are on holiday. Its been an unbearable atmosphere for 2 days. And during this time BPDh will try and cuddle and kiss me, knowing I feel upset by the situation and that when this is going on I dont feel affectionate at all.

What is the right tactic?

Can I set a boundary and say if you give ST to kids I feel hurt and I cant be affectionate to you?

Or should I pretend it doesnt affect me... .very hard

Should I say to both of them get over it, sort it out make the peace so we can have a good holiday and there is no bad atmosphere?

[bus boy]

Hi, I'm very sorry you and your son are going through this. I'm not a mother, I'm a father and I get the silent treatment from my NPD/BPD ex wife. She gives the silent treatment to both her grandmothers, all her aunts, uncles and cousins. Her mother & father do the same. It's a terrible thing, this is what my ex wife was taught so it's normal to her. I know her extended family and it causes them pain. You are in a tough spot. My ex wife has a wounded inner child. She seems very together on the outside world but dealing with her is like dealing with a child. It sounds like your husband is the 12 year old, his inner child is wounded. This is my thought only. No matter what you do, you always loose when dealing with a BPD. Teach your son to be the bigger man in this case, apologize and get the best out of the vacation. Teach your son how to deal with a BPD person and teach his inner child to grow with him. Try to detach from the situation. A therapest is the best person to talk to about this. It's hard to live with a BPD person, your son is going to need help so he doesn't take these traits into his adult life. Your husband is going to feed off this, negative or positive feedback. Make it the best positive out come you can do for you and your son.

[Dutched]

I must say I didn’t experienced that with the kids.
As much as I like to help I can only tell you what I did as being the receiver of a silent treatment by exHFBPDw

I told exw my about my boundary very, very clear and walked away.
The boundary that I didn’t accept that behaviour in my house, no matter what and left the room.
Within a few hours she started talking again.

Must say that was before I knew anything about Cluster B, just learning/reading about the saying of my T, namely “seems she is a Drama Queen”.
   
I know validating in your position is difficult.
Telling son about BPD and/or his fathers behaviour is dangerous as he might not believe you and/or starts to see his father as ‘unreliable’ in a way. That is in his age dangerous for his development as a father anyway plays a crucial role too in the foundation of son.

I could suggest to address father anyway by telling him. Something like

Maybe you are unaware of it…  but you deeply, deeply hurt you own S [name] .
I know both of you struggled over something 3 day AGO
Now who is the adult that keeps a grudge, you the adult or a kid of 12 y/oQ?
Is that how you would be treated by a father you admire and love?
So think about that for now and next time as I don’t ever want S [name] to be treated like that again! (your boundary)
Leave him, don’t listen to anything.

The outcome…?  Upheaval, invalidated, the hurt child again.
Wrong?  According to techniques I later learned and here on the board, yes to direct, being the persecutor, so wrong.
The good part was:  Set MY boundary. 
I my suggestion, for what it is worth, YOU set YOUR boundary on behalf of Son   
       
Maybe this suggestion?

Prepare a nice atmosphere, make coffee get a soft drink and something to eat.
Call them that ‘coffee is served’, have a little chat (I know you must do it… again…)
Address the matter as being in charge, being the chair. Be clear about that.
Let son speak how he feels, what he did to upset dad.  What he thinks
Don’t let dad interfere => you are the chair(!), ignore him and if needed tell him to wait for his turn.
Dads turn.  Let him speak, no shouting allowed.
Mother, still being the chair, won’t judge.
The chair summarizes, ask if the other understood what was said, how that feels, if the other can imagine what it did, etc.
 The chair than concludes …  and ask for a family hug…

Perpare it, rehurse it in your mind.

You are seen as strong, setting boundaries and still being lovable as he can rely on you.
In fact both boys can…

[Cmjo]

Thanks for your replies... .

I think my son is getting mature enough to deal with it now, I can see his emotional maturity developing whereas his fathers is very stunted. Bus boy, I try to remind my son its not his fault etc, but when I suggested he should be the bigger man and go and break the ice he refused.

What is sad is this is doing permanent damage to their relationship.

Its now day 4 of the silent treatment. We have three days left of our holiday. Now my elderly Dad who we are staying with has realised something is up, and its upsetting for him too.

Dutched I agree with setting the boundary, and I tried the talk to BPDh, in exactly that way, but just got an illogical insane rant about the importance of family, my not having cut the umbilical cord from my son, I should be immediately hospitalised as I am seriously mentally ill, that I ooze hate from every pore... .

I am not sure thenchat over coffee would work, because BPDh would give the same rant to our son, and possibly be very abusive as well. Although it would be good in principle to let them both have their say, I dont trust that BPDh will be constructive. He is a bomb waiting to explode. And putting me in the middle just gives him more ammunition, I would be probably be accused of siding with our son of course.

It is also worrying that BPDh says his son called him names the night, whereas I distinctly remember hearing the father say these names to the son.

The issue I have is how I feel, and not feeling able to give hm affection, sex or be close to him. I am avoiding being in the same room as BPDh. How can I just be normal when he is suddenly pretending henever had kids? I am doing all the caring and cooking for them on this holidays. If we go out anywhere he wals at a distance from us, humming to himself, very slowly, very weird. 

He really is a sadistic genius that he manages to make life so hard for so many people.

My aim for tomorrow... .plan a fun day and keep calm. I will say to him again, set boundary, I am sorry for this behaviour, 4 days of silence on a holiday is not acceptable, it is hurtful for his son and I hope he can find a way to resolve it, he is a great Dad when he wants to be and his son needs that Dad back. But I will say when we get home I would like us to find a therapist he can talk to, before then I just need to take a break in the relationship, For the time being I hope he understands because I cant accept this behaviour I need some time to withdraw.

Woukd that work?

[Dutched]

You know best if your husband is open to or willing to accept a therapist.
From my experience, the more high functioning pwBPD are, the less change to accept that anything, anything at all is wrong…  with them, it is in your perspective, you are the difficult one.

I doubt, again, you know your husband, that he will understand your need for a break.
That will fire up his fear of abandonment.
That might, on the surface, motivates him to accept treatment… on the surface I think.

What about your son? He suffers too.
Yes when ‘normal’ exw was a good loving mother too, loved by the kids
Supporting the kids emotionally however was  different story, but still loved by the kids.
Same as your sons feelings to his dad, despite a quarrel in which he became over enthusiastic…