How do I help her not be overwhelmed with cleaning

[ArleighBurke]

I'm in a predictable bind with my uBPDw.

She wants to get rid of our shed. In there is 15yrs of accumulated "stuff". I've sorted through, culled and moved my stuff out but hers remains. She has boxes of material (she used to sew dresses 10yrs ago), classroom stuff (from being a teacher 4yrs ago) and bits and pieces.

She has admitted that most of it is junk and she could get rid of it, but getting her to actually look at it and decide is very emotionally difficult for her. I have (gently) suggested we do it together for a day with no kids. I have (gently) suggested that I "present" her one box at a time (1/wk?) for her to look at. But she hates all ideas. She tells me it's too daunting, too emotionally taxing, too big - whatever.

Thinking about this, she does the same with other stuff in the home. She complains that we have too much stuff in the house. She also complains that SHE has to do all the "sorting" of stuff, and that she hates that the decision of keep/throw always is hers (such pressure). But on the occaisions when I've tried she's hated that as well (she won't accept me throwing stuff away - she'll want to go through it all first. And she says that me "pre-preparing" a pile for her to look at is pressure).

I understand that she is attached to stuff. I'm sure every baby toy brings back emotional memories. Every box of dressmaking material reminds her of who she is/was. Throwing away stuff probably feels like throwing away part of her. So I get it's difficult for her. She can do it - perhaps once a year she'll be in "the right place" look at "a room" and she'll do a great job.

But any suggestions on how to manage it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[NotThatGuy]

She wants to get rid of our shed. In there is 15yrs of accumulated "stuff".  . .

. . .Thinking about this, she does the same with other stuff in the home. She complains that we have too much stuff in the house. She also complains that SHE has to do all the "sorting" of stuff, and that she hates that the decision of keep/throw always is hers (such pressure). But on the occaisions when I've tried she's hated that as well (she won't accept me throwing stuff away - she'll want to go through it all first. And she says that me "pre-preparing" a pile for her to look at is pressure). . .

How important is it to get this done?  Not how important to her, how important generally, and to you?  Because, if she wants to get it done, but doesn't want to do it. . . there's a natural consequence here.  You can offer to help however she wants, or make suggestions if she's interested, and then let her decide when and how to come to you with it.  If you want, you could even offer to check in with her about it at some future date, if she doesn't get back to you. 

But, if she doesn't achieve her own goals because of her own internal barriers then, in the end, it's between her and herself, not her and you.

[ArleighBurke]

Agreed - I don't care whether we keep or lose the shed. And (mostly) I don't care about sorting through other stuff in the house (everything is neat and away).

I guess the problem is *still* my ongoing struggle of trying to find the balance of being supportive, while not being enabling.

She *constantly* talks about something (like "I want to get rid of the shed", and makes that my problem ("when are you going to get rid of the shed", "why do we need the shed" but then stops me from doing that something (by not doing her part). On *some* issues I push it back to her: "Yes I will remove the shed once YOU have removed your stuff from it", and then I wait forever because she never gets it done. But i also understand it's difficult for her so I want to be supportive: "I hear that you really want to get rid of the shed, can I help you sort your stuff?". If she doesn't take me up on that offer, then again I just wait.

I *used* to get very frustrated, because I felt like I was letting her down but not finding a solution. In the last few years I have been able to identify her "desire", and understand that while she may *say* she feels strongly about it, it's probably quite fleeting.

I am no longer rescuing her. However, I also want to be supportive.

Perhaps I am doing the right thing already by mostly ignoring it and letting her work at her own pace. There is no point me pushing hard for her to do this - I do try to choose my battles.

Is there another way to approach her? Or am i just doing the right thing already?

[NotThatGuy]

I think the trick is that, if you're supporting her, she calls the shots.  So if she asks you when you're going to get rid of the shed, turn it back on the both of you: "Well, there's all that stuff in there, still.  So we've got to figure out what to do with that."  If she says it should be gotten rid of, ask her how she wants to do that. Break it down into smaller and smaller steps: ask her what kind of help she wants from you, if she wants help figuring out *how* to do it, if she wants to set rules for what goes where, if she wants to write the rules down, when she wants to start, how long she wants to spend at it, etc.

When there are big challenges for reasons that don't make much sense, it often helps to break them down into tiny steps.  Then, when you get stuck on a step (say, getting started), break that step down.  Make a plan, set time aside, be in the right clothes, divide things into categories or touch each thing once.  Then, when a single micro-step turns out to be the issue (say, picking up a single object and putting it in the trash), find a way to get around it or through it.  She could ask you to do the actual picking up and throwing away, under her direction, or she could use mindfulness and coping skills to get through it, then do it again.  If it's that the whole task is overwhelming, find a way to limit it: time limit, set up a staging area for sorting outside the shed, etc. 

It sounds like you can guide her, and help with brainstorming problem-solving ideas, but she is going to have to make all the decisions and choose the solutions herself.   Even with a strategic approach like above, there will likely be lots of false starts. This is also something that therapy would be very useful for-- and if you turn enough questions back to her, and she has enough trouble with them, that might become obvious to her.

She can still get mad at you, for anything really, but she can't *make* you take responsibility for a process she insists on controlling, herself.

[BestVersionOfMe]

This is a common theme in my life too.  What I have come to realize over time is that I was personalizing the comments about needing to replace this or that or clean out garage, etc.  Comments by my uBPDw usually had a "we" in there as it relates to her own disorganized mess in the garage.  I decided that I would support her if/when she wanted my help but at the end of the day I had to validate and then ignore her comments because it really had nothing to do with me.  She was merely projecting her own feelings of inadequacy or displeasure with her own disorganization and hoarding tendencies. 

[waverider]

I have trouble chucking stuff out too, in fact our shed needs emptying... .

What i do to get over the procrastinating over things like this is empty everything out. Then I have to make a deliberate effort to put back, or put elsewhere, anything I want to keep. The default is for everything else to get tossed out.

Otherwise I just move everything around and make excuses to put off the decision to chuck anything out.

For a pwBPD and the inability to prioritize i can see this as a very anxiety inducing exercise.