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Author Topic: Girlfriend (would-be fiancee?) just diagnosed with BPD  (Read 356 times)
Fritz_27

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5



« on: July 22, 2016, 03:19:27 AM »

   SO I'm pretty new to the whole forum thing, and I'm not entirely sure where to start. I've been with my current partner (I suppose I'll just call her Claire to avoid naming real names, respect anonymity and all that) for a little over 3 years, and for the most part there hasn't been too many issues. There were problems with self-harm and (as it turns out, self-constructed) eating disorders, but none of the "typical" volatility I've heard/read about associated with BPD.
   However, approaching the end of 2015, that changed. Lots of whiplash of the "I hate you, don't leave me" variety. I was honestly never really sure if/when we were on or off. Around this time, she was (apparently wrongly) diagnosed with ADHD, and put on methylphenodate. Fast forward to the beginning of 2016: she dumps me and is in the hospital from an attempted suicide roughly a week later. While she was on the ward, she got a new diagnosis: Cyclothymia (basically rapid-cycling bipolar, though maybe that's an over-simplification). It seemed like a reasonable conclusion, since the prior months were a highly volatile emotional roller coaster that had infinitely increasing intensity up until she wound up in the hospital (which also made sense considering how methylphenodate affects people with cyclothymia). But treatment didn't really seem to be doing much or going anywhere, and after opening up more to her therapist, they came to the conclusion that the problem was really BPD. Which, after doing some reading fits perfectly with observation/experience.
   The odd thing is that for the most part, her borderline traits were comparatively mild for the majority of our relationship. Then the severity just amped up ridiculously quickly, and now it's almost like she's an entirely different person.
  So I suppose for starters, with that bit of background, my first question would have to be whether or not that's usually how this goes. Does BPD usually present as milder forms of the characteristic behaviors, with only some of them being really obvious, then just have a nuclear-force version of the full package just kick the door down and storm into your life? Because even the self-harming behaviors (which were pretty bad-ish before, but improving with therapy) have intensified unimaginably. And how can I go about trying to get things to re-stabilize? Because life in general is starting to feel like it's imploding all over again, and I don't have the slightest idea where to begin getting my feet back on the ground and helping her do the same.
 
  Sorry for all the rambling, I just don't know where to start and tend to be obsessively thorough when it comes to trying to explain or describe stuff...
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schwing
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
Posts: 3614


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« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2016, 05:00:30 PM »

Hi Fritz_27

Welcome

There were problems with self-harm and (as it turns out, self-constructed) eating disorders, but none of the "typical" volatility I've heard/read about associated with BPD. ... .The odd thing is that for the most part, her borderline traits were comparatively mild for the majority of our relationship. Then the severity just amped up ridiculously quickly, and now it's almost like she's an entirely different person.

People with BPD (pwBPD) do not need to express all the behaviors (only some) in the DSM criteria for a diagnosis. 

In my observation, one possible trigger that would escalate the disordered feelings pwBPD are overwhelmed with, is increased feelings of intimacy/familiarity; such that when relationships hit major landmarks (i.e., cohabitation, engagement, wedding, pregnancy) that can cause a ratcheting of behaviors.

Also, losses like the death of a family member can be a massive trigger for pwBPD; as death is responded to as abandonment.

But "identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self" is another diagnostic criteria and fits your description that she is like "an entirely different person."

Does BPD usually present as milder forms of the characteristic behaviors, with only some of them being really obvious, then just have a nuclear-force version of the full package just kick the door down and storm into your life? Because even the self-harming behaviors (which were pretty bad-ish before, but improving with therapy) have intensified unimaginably.

A pwBPD behaves mildly when their disordered emotions are mild. But if/when they escalate, so can their behaviors.

And how can I go about trying to get things to re-stabilize?

I think a good strategy is, so long as she wants to be with you, be available and consistent with your availability. And counter-intuitively, stay distant, or keep your interactions formal but warm.  When appropriate express love and compassion but try to keep the intensity of the positive emotions down (if possible).

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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NotThatGuy

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married and living together
Posts: 49



« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2016, 06:20:09 PM »

Glad you found your way here.  I think this board, and the lessons on bpdfamily are great resources for people who want to support a loved one suffering from BPD.  A lot of what helps in situations like ours isn't stuff we're likely to have learned from usual life, so a place like this is really important. 

In my experience, your partner's situation isn't unusual.  BPD is technically "lifelong", but a lot of the latest research actually suggests that people have recoveries and relapses over time, where they either do or don't meet full criteria-- the traits are always there, but they're not always a big enough problem to get in the way.  And because people with BPD tend to idealize their partners early on in a relationship, they can seem at their most functional then.  Later on, increasing intimacy, life transitions, and other stressors can cause the symptoms to get worse. 

My wife had been diagnosed with BPD during a previous breakup, but when we met I didn't actually credit it much. ("Everyone looks like they have BPD during a breakup" I said, and I still think it's mostly true.)  She seemed pretty stable for our first ~5 years together.  Fights could get crazy, but they weren't frequent, and she was fairly even-tempered in between.  But she got hit with a huge load of extra stressors around the time our second child was born, and decompensated.  She became very depressed, started self-harming again, and started feeling very threatened in our relationship, with all of the alternately clinging and rejecting behavior that goes along with that.  I, too, found myself wondering where the woman I married had gone.  Now she's in DBT and working on finding a sustainable recovery. And I'm working on growing up enough to be appropriately supportive. 

I agree with Schwing-- consistent affection and compassion without attachment are key to helping things re-stabilize.  In order to help your relationship be stable, *you* have to be stable, even when she's not.  People with BPD can sometimes seek more from their partners than anyone would be able to give, expecting that a partner's love will fill the void left by an unstable sense of themselves.  So the trick is to maintain our sense of ourselves, without trying to fill in the gaps of the pwBPD's self-identity, or getting drawn into splitting behaviors. 

If you're a book person, my favorites are The High Conflict Couple and Loving Someone with BPD.  And take a look at the Lessons on the board-- they're as useful as any book IMO.
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