need support/ dinner

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have been very vocal in my estrangement of my D. Almost proud that I have survived the past 9 months of not seeing her or speaking to her or much of anything.
So now she wants to have dinner. Since those of you are on this sight I assume you know dinner doesn't always mean dinner.

I have been doing very well with boundaries with her and really felt as though I was o.k. But now I feel this obligation as her mom to go have dinner with her.
I have been doing well because she has not reached out so I felt safe. Now I really have to be careful, she is the poster child for "give an inch I'll take a mile"

I have been trying to figure out how to grief the loss of my D as I want her to be or as I knew her before.  I feel like there will never be a good time to see her so I might as well just do it.
Do I give a hug? Do I ask questions about the dirt bag life style she is living, drugs? men?

I do not know how to be anything but a provider of care to her  or to bail her out of one thing or another. I have enabled her so much in the past and do not want to go back to that. But I also want to hold her in my arms and cradle her like a baby. She is 28 all this started at about 13. Lots of damage has been done.

Out of sight does not mean out of mind when you are a mom, I just dont think I like this person she has become. Do I have an obligation to always be the bigger person who accepts apologies etc?

Any thoughts?

[need a break]

I have been very vocal in my estrangement of my D. Almost proud that I have survived the past 9 months of not seeing her or speaking to her or much of anything.
So now she wants to have dinner. Since those of you are on this sight I assume you know dinner doesn't always mean dinner.

I have been doing very well with boundaries with her and really felt as though I was o.k. But now I feel this obligation as her mom to go have dinner with her.
I have been doing well because she has not reached out so I felt safe. Now I really have to be careful, she is the poster child for "give an inch I'll take a mile"

I have been trying to figure out how to grief the loss of my D as I want her to be or as I knew her before.  I feel like there will never be a good time to see her so I might as well just do it.
Do I give a hug? Do I ask questions about the dirt bag life style she is living, drugs? men?

I do not know how to be anything but a provider of care to her  or to bail her out of one thing or another. I have enabled her so much in the past and do not want to go back to that. But I also want to hold her in my arms and cradle her like a baby. She is 28 all this started at about 13. Lots of damage has been done.

Out of sight does not mean out of mind when you are a mom, I just dont think I like this person she has become. Do I have an obligation to always be the bigger person who accepts apologies etc?

Any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

When you write  "I have been very vocal in my estrangement of my D."... .do you mean you set boundaries with her and you told her what the boundaries were?

We have weathered almost 35 years of drama with our daughter.  Over all those years, all could be going along well... .so well that we would almost get to the point where we were forgetting what had been said/done.  (Well, the key word here is "almost."  You forgive but forgetting doesn't really happen... .especially if there have been re-runs.

We are just now in the process of mending bridges again after an almost 4-yr period of estrangement... .which was her choice.  I am apprehensive and I guess that means I am protecting myself.

I look back on family pictures and see the little girl who gave me so much joy... .who stuck to me like glue... .then at 13 ripped away.  OUCH!  I find now that I am splitting her... .still get a warm feeling when I look at pictures of the little girl of long ago... .but the smile comes off my face when I think of the person she is now.  Whenever I have gotten the chance to hug her, I feel the stiffness in her.  I make it a point to say, "I love you" at the end of conversations and I strain to hear a response.  I take solace in feeling she has the problem... .not me.  I'm doing the "Mom-thing."

So, in reading your post, a lot of what you write parallels my thinking.  Do I love my D?  Yes, same as you.  If she needed me, I would be there... .as I always have been.  It took me a long while to start healing during this last episode.  I am sad to say that my despair got me to the point a few times when I even contemplated suicide.  Thankfully I gave myself time and time soothed my wounds.  I am doing just fine now.  It does make wonder how long will this "truce" last?  Am I up to (or do I want to open myself up to) another bout of heartbreak if there is another breakdown of communication?   With that said... .I am Mom.  I really feel, though, that I turned a corner in my life.  I have accepted what is... .is... .and I don't pine for what isn't anymore.

No one can answer my questions nor yours.  All we can do is arm ourselves with knowledge/information available on dealing with BPD.   How far are we willing/able to go?  On one hand, this "dinner" could be a turning point in her/your lives.  Then again... .?

My heart goes out to you, Need-a-Break. 

[Bright Day Mom]

Go to dinner and bring your "tool box" with you (to the right side).  Your D cannot take a mile if YOU don't allow it, set your boundaries and stay strong to the "new you". 

So far as do you hug, questions, etc. I would follow her lead.  If there is awkward silence, make small talk, the weather, new movies, the restaurant, menu, etc. 

You are such a good mom and love your D to the moon and back.  I don't "like" my D's brain disorder, but LOVE my D as we all do.

 

[need a break]

When you write  "I have been very vocal in my estrangement of my D."... .do you mean you set boundaries with her and you told her what the boundaries were?

We have weathered almost 35 years of drama with our daughter.  Over all those years, all could be going along well... .so well that we would almost get to the point where we were forgetting what had been said/done.  (Well, the key word here is "almost."  You forgive but forgetting doesn't really happen... .especially if there have been re-runs.

We are just now in the process of mending bridges again after an almost 4-yr period of estrangement... .which was her choice.  I am apprehensive and I guess that means I am protecting myself.

I look back on family pictures and see the little girl who gave me so much joy... .who stuck to me like glue... .then at 13 ripped away.  OUCH!  I find now that I am splitting her... .still get a warm feeling when I look at pictures of the little girl of long ago... .but the smile comes off my face when I think of the person she is now.  Whenever I have gotten the chance to hug her, I feel the stiffness in her.  I make it a point to say, "I love you" at the end of conversations and I strain to hear a response.  I take solace in feeling she has the problem... .not me.  I'm doing the "Mom-thing."

So, in reading your post, a lot of what you write parallels my thinking.  Do I love my D?  Yes, same as you.  If she needed me, I would be there... .as I always have been.  It took me a long while to start healing during this last episode.  I am sad to say that my despair got me to the point a few times when I even contemplated suicide.  Thankfully I gave myself time and time soothed my wounds.  I am doing just fine now.  It does make wonder how long will this "truce" last?  Am I up to (or do I want to open myself up to) another bout of heartbreak if there is another breakdown of communication?   With that said... .I am Mom.  I really feel, though, that I turned a corner in my life.  I have accepted what is... .is... .and I don't pine for what isn't anymore.

No one can answer my questions nor yours.  All we can do is arm ourselves with knowledge/information available on dealing with BPD.   How far are we willing/able to go?  On one hand, this "dinner" could be a turning point in her/your lives.  Then again... .?

My heart goes out to you, Need-a-Break. 

I have not told her what the boundaries are because when i have in the past she goes nuts. I have simply put up my own boundaries slowly, at first she would send me text messages saying I abandoned her, gave up on her, what kind of mom behaves like you. I just ignored it. I will not in cage with her when she is having a BPD tantrum.
I am going in with eyes wide open and no expectations. I am doing this for me not for her

   

[need a break]

Go to dinner and bring your "tool box" with you (to the right side).  Your D cannot take a mile if YOU don't allow it, set your boundaries and stay strong to the "new you". 

So far as do you hug, questions, etc. I would follow her lead.  If there is awkward silence, make small talk, the weather, new movies, the restaurant, menu, etc. 

You are such a good mom and love your D to the moon and back.  I don't "like" my D's brain disorder, but LOVE my D as we all do.

 

Thank you for the response. Yes I do not want to have this be a therapy session etc. I feel prepared for moments of silence, small talk etc. I do love her so much but she has not been the most likable person.

Thanks again I will update asap

[need a break]

Dinner went well, thanks to all who helped me with the tools. They were VERY helpful. I learned something very valuable:
I learned that I have not accepted her as she is, and she was doing very well last night at dinner. She is sober, clean, has gone back on her meds , back in therapy and seems at peace with herself.
I learned that I want her to be prettier, more normal, successful, like my friends kids on facebook.  
I learned that she will never be good enough, and how sad that must make her to feel that from me for all these years.
These are my observations of myself - she has never brought this to my attention. Shame on me!
I have spent so many years on what I thought was saving her, when it was actually trying to make her something she cant be. Like putting a square peg in a round circle.
My thinking with her has been very black and white. Last night I had a light bulb moment, I do not have to agree with her life choices, she will never be what I need her to be. I have estranged myself from her for all sorts of reasons. Some her issues and some mine. I have much work to do to understand where to go with this.

Thank you for all the support

[Huat]

Your last post, Need-a-Break, brought a tear to my eye!  You expressed yourself so well. 

While there are similarities, all our stories differ.  I'm sure you have given many (me included) some food for thought.    I have found that when I allow myself to get to the point of acceptance of what is... .IS!... .then life does feel better.  Sounds like you have hit that mark.

With all that said, I still feel it is important to have boundaries.  Of course that not only pertains to dealing with our BPD's... .but in every aspect of life.

I hope we have not heard the last of you, Need-a-Break.  Sometimes we are in need of support and sometimes the need is there to give support.

[need a break]

Your last post, Need-a-Break, brought a tear to my eye!  You expressed yourself so well. 

While there are similarities, all our stories differ.  I'm sure you have given many (me included) some food for thought.    I have found that when I allow myself to get to the point of acceptance of what is... .IS!... .then life does feel better.  Sounds like you have hit that mark.

With all that said, I still feel it is important to have boundaries.  Of course that not only pertains to dealing with our BPD's... .but in every aspect of life.

I hope we have not heard the last of you, Need-a-Break.  Sometimes we are in need of support and sometimes the need is there to give support.

Thank you. I have much work to do and will continue to need the support of this group. I would not have come to these conclusions without the previous comments prior to our dinner.
Boundaries are very hard for me, this will be a struggle not to treat her like a patient  or a work in progress or some kind of project, rather then a human being who is what she is.
As long as we a trying we are good. As we all know with BPD things can change in a moment. She may ask me for something that I cant do and out I go.
We are far from o.k. in this family but awareness may help.

[Bright Day Mom]

Glad to hear dinner went well.  I know many times the anticipation is far worse than the event. 

Sounds like your daughter has accomplished a lot for you to be proud of, clean, sober,meds, therapy... .all good stuff.

It is great you were able to draw conclusions and see there is work to do - as we are all works in progress.