BPD bf sleeps on his ex wifes couch to spend more time with troubled kids

First, thank you for this website. My live-in BPD bf has been divorced for 3.5 years. Although he does not have an official diagnosis, I truly believe he is BPD with a co-occurring disorder. Five months ago, he went through alcohol detox, but not rehab. Since detox, his symptoms have been much worse, making it very difficult to even talk to him. His son has been on home detention, so he sleeps on his ex wifes couch many nights. When I first vocalized my feelings, he tried to keep those times in-frequent. However, now he has flipped a switch again, and is staying there more, driving his daughter to her summer activities during the day, before he leaves for work in the afternoon. I am always excluded from any plans that he makes with his daughter. He seems to be obsessed with her, and her life. He claims he feels so much guilt for not being there for his son especially, during their very bitter divorce. I have been extremely patient and understanding, but lately, I have been flying off the rails about this. He puts very little effort into our relationship (apparently he hates me now, I am the bad one). It's a vicious cycle in which we argue, with little resolution. There have been effective discussions with some positive outcomes, but then he will revert to being selfish, disrespectful, and discourteous, in a vengeful way. I barely see him now, and it's been like this for roughly six weeks. He also tells me he does not want to get close to me, and he doesn't think about the future. I have point blank asked him if he is planning on moving out,or if he has already. He always says No. I have explained how dysfunctional his behavior is, and that I do not like him staying there. There are no boundries for him, or his son. They are very similar in personality, and both have grave relational issues. It's clear that he is trying to dangle a carrot in front of me, and is unwilling to compromise. I am at my wits end. I was planning on asking him to move out this weekend, because I just can't deal with anymore of the Dr. Jekyl/Mr.Hyde life. The other half of me which is probably co-dependent, just doesn't want to let go because I have been in love with him for a long time. We do have a lot in common, and when he actually shows some emotion, I tend to forgive. Is he afraid of being abandoned by his children? He had a very abusive childhood; his mother and father were both alcoholics, and his mother may have had another personality disorder. He was on his own by the time he was 12. Abandoned by his mother, emotionally. He told me years ago, that after his parents divorce, his father would sleep on their couch at times, and he never knew where his father was living until he was around 17/. I told him that he is repeating the same dysfunctional behavior that his father used to do. He claimed it was because his mother was sometimes physically abusive, and she would pass out hunched over the kitchen table. I admire him wanting to be a better parent, but of course, it's his extreme way of doing so increasing my anxiety to the brink. How else can I communicate with without him thinking I am the enemy and punishing me?



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