Do I send Grand kids gifts?

[AVR1962]

My 35 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was 18. It's been a very rough road where she has blamed me for anything and everything including things I have never said or done and she has to have an audience to support her behavior against me to make me look like I am out of my head. When she wants something she comes back to me and is nice, gets what she wants and then starts it all over again. My family sees what she is doing and does not agree with my BPD daughter's thinking and assessments of me which have been well vocalized.

A year ago she took me off her social media page and we have had a few text messages but she does not return calls, does not reply to messages, does not answer her phone. She has 3 children who she is trying to turn against me as well. Another family member told me some of the lies she has told her children which breaks my heart. Up to this point I have tried to call the grand kids on their birthdays, and most times I just have to leave a message as she does not pick up. I send gifts with no acknowledgement that they were received or any thank for them. Basically i have been cut off and cut out of their lives.

What do you do? Should I keep sending cards/gifts? Or wait til she is ready to stop her games and wants to sincerely mend her ways?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello AVR1962

I've been through all that hurt you wrote about so I know where you are coming from.  How old are your grandchildren?

You have sent gifts and cards to your grandchildren and there has been no acknowledgement.  To me it sounds like, as hard as it may be, it is time to back off.  You've tried and now it is your turn to be silent.  As a counsellor once told me, keep the door open for your grandchildren when/if they make an effort to connect with you. 

We have recently re-connected with our daughter after 4 years of being shunned.   All is, once again, wonderful.  Our granddaughters are in their mid-20s and one of them told me they didn't want to be in the middle... .so easiest thing was to just go along with their mother.  We had been surrogate parents to them as they grew up through more drama than is in a soap opera.  Never in a million years would we have thought that could happen to us... .their Gramma/Grampa... .but it did.  I cried buckets... .then gradually (very gradually, mind you) I stopped feeling sorry for myself and then got on with life... .and felt so much better.  You can't change others but you can change yourself and that feels good.

Do your homework.  Set your boundaries.  Keep your dignity.  Have faith in yourself, Mom!

[AVR1962]

Haut, my grandchildren are 11, soon to be 14, and 16. My daughter is 35.

I am going thru a divorce right now, soon to be legalized and I will be moving to another state. She and I spoke on the phone about this when her step-grandfather had passed away. She and I had a good conversation, she told me that I could not live with what was going on in the household and even though she didn't want us to split that she understood and then after that she went completely silent. So I don't know what happened. I know that divorce is not easy on anyone and I am not so sure she is happy in her own marriage so it is possible she is delaing with her own issues and if she doesn't want me to be a part of that, that is fine. I do however feel that when someone calls you and leaves a message you have an obligation to reply to that message. If someone sends a gift I feel that a thank you is in order and my daughter gets in these 'I will ignore you' moods and she drags everyone else in with her.

The way I see it, it is a matter of her way of controlling me, perhaps I am wrong but that is where I am no longer wanting to repeat the same game so I feel I have to change it up and let her know that if she really does not want me to be a part of her life then I will accept that and I will not chase her for a relationship.

I feel bad for her oldest daughter... .my daughter has made her into her little slave. My daughter does NOTHING. She does not do laundry, cook, clean house or work outside of the home. Last time I visited she was making the kids and her husband do all the work. She would sit on the couch and watch TV and scream at the kids to take the dog out or to do their laundry or whatever it was that needed done. REAL sad! Yet she tells people that I was abusive and unavailable to them growing up. I was a single mom and their dad id not pay child support so I was gone but I did my best to juggle everything and I did my best to make things work. I sure as heck did not sit on my rear and expect to be waited on like she has done with her own children.

[Huat]

I fully agree with you that it is common courtesy to respond to a phone call and to thank someone for a gift.  Your daughter hasn't done that and she probably knows this will irk you.  I think you are right when you say it is her way of controlling you.  Well... .break the cycle.  If it was me (and it isn't!) I would now be silent and leave the ball in her court.

It is sad that grandchildren are used as pawns in these conflicts.  When they are young, like yours are, their first allegiance is usually to their parent... .the one they rely on for their day-to-day needs.  All you can do is hope that you have left a good enough impression on them and, in time to come, they will want contact with you. 

You mentioned that your divorce will soon be finalized and you will be moving out-of-state and I can see where you would have mixed emotions about that... .many miles will be separating you from your grandchildren.

This is hard stuff for any parent/grandparent to go through... .certainly a different scenario from the one that was envisioned.  Being a single mom is never easy, yet you pulled it off as best you could.  When you knew better... .you did better.  So, take a deep breath and start concentrating on yourself... .the only one you have control over... .the only one you can change.  Sometimes you just have to accept what is and then get on with life.

[AVR1962]

I fully agree with you that it is common courtesy to respond to a phone call and to thank someone for a gift.  Your daughter hasn't done that and she probably knows this will irk you.  I think you are right when you say it is her way of controlling you.  Well... .break the cycle.  If it was me (and it isn't!) I would now be silent and leave the ball in her court.

It is sad that grandchildren are used as pawns in these conflicts.  When they are young, like yours are, their first allegiance is usually to their parent... .the one they rely on for their day-to-day needs.  All you can do is hope that you have left a good enough impression on them and, in time to come, they will want contact with you. 

You mentioned that your divorce will soon be finalized and you will be moving out-of-state and I can see where you would have mixed emotions about that... .many miles will be separating you from your grandchildren.

This is hard stuff for any parent/grandparent to go through... .certainly a different scenario from the one that was envisioned.  Being a single mom is never easy, yet you pulled it off as best you could.  When you knew better... .you did better.  So, take a deep breath and start concentrating on yourself... .the only one you have control over... .the only one you can change.  Sometimes you just have to accept what is and then get on with life.

Yes, I am leaving my husband (daughter's stepdad) after 24 years of marriage. They were never close. Daughter grew up knowing her step brothers as brothers, I tried to blend the families and I think my daughter felt this was her family but the marriage was very troubled right from the start. Looking back I think my brain was not only in its love stage but also looking for a dad for my daughters rather than someone who was committed to me

The boys (stepsons) were a challenge and even though my daughters accepted them I am not sure they accepted me or the girls. There was always a friction that existed. Me leaving my husband means that the stepsons may never  have the connection with my daughters and I think that bothers my BPD daughter.

I thank you for your support and agree totally... .time to stop the dance and live my life for me. I am have one to bend over backwards for everyone and in spite of hardships I kept plugging along making the best but there has been alot of hurt and plugging along trying to make the best of situations has not caused anything but more hurt so it is time.

Thank you!