She's numb

[blueeyes567]

My BPD spouse is a military veteran and I am her caregiver. For the last 2 years I have taken the advice from my caregiver coordinator and therapist done what they have advised with attempting to protect her from her destructive Behavior. Up until three days ago she was on board and happy with treatment but 3 days ago she received a letter that the VA is not going to increase her compensation. She was in and out of treatment and the hospital for suicide ideation so her go to person at the VA suggested petitioning for an increase in compensation. Well after the denial letter she said she just went numb. I can recognize this cycle and with all of the therapy she recognizes the cycle but I am so scared that her destructive behaviors are going to start. She has shopping impulses and sexual impulses that are very detrimental to our finances and our marriage. I know the last few days have been controlling and like a parent she explains for the last two years and she's had enough. I don't know what to do. I want to make our relationship work but if there is another infidelity episode I don't think that I can handle it anymore. How do I tell her at the start of the cycle that those actions are going to have very negative consequences on our marriage? She knows that the trust has been lost and over the last two years since the last infidelity we have both worked really hard to build that trust and it seems like I was almost fully trusted her with everything and then bam she tells me she wants to separate and have alone time to find herself and spends most of the time on her phone now and I don't know what to do. Her current numbness is preventing her from  eing here for me even though she says she  wants to she just can't right now and wants to be selfish

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[Meili]

Hello, and welcome to the bpdfamily. Your situation sounds incredibly painful. I didn't have to deal with infidelity in mine (that I'm aware of), so I can only relate to the other parts of what you're going through.

I would not try to tell her "at the start of the cycle that those actions are going to have very negative consequences on our marriage." I would create and enforce boundaries. As I'm sure that you are well aware, you cannot control her, her choices, or her actions. What you can control, however, is what you allow in your life.

I truly hope that things are looking better today.