Going out of town

[jrharvey]

Ok. Its my moms birthday and my family is going to the beach on Saturday and sunday. They invited my girlfriend but they don't know that its almost impossible for her to get off of work on the weekends. I need to talk to her about this but haven't brought it up. I am almost positive what she will say. I haven't left home without her in 8 months. I have skipped family events and all friends events because she usually gets upset. I need to do this. I cant keep letting her control me. I know she will tell me that she cannot get off work and that she will feel lonely and insecure about me because I might meet girls at the beach. Then she will say I am not thinking about her feelings and I don't care about her and ask how I could just leave her alone by herself. She will say if I cared I would ask my family to come to me or make them pick a different day so that she could go. What would be the BEST way to approach this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Based on the history that you report here, I don't think that there is any good way, for her, to handle it. For you, the best way is to just be straight forward and honest. Have your boundaries in place about what you're willing to accept. Review the lessons on conflict resolution, empathy, not invalidating, and whatever other tools you'll think that you'll need to address the situation.

You already know that she's going dysregulate, so you can be prepared for it and have a concrete plan on how to deal with it.

[jrharvey]

Well I told her last night. I told her that she was invited. Everything I thought would happen was exactly what happened except for 1 thing. She blamed my mom. Painted her black. I don't know how to handle that.

She said that my mom never liked her. She thinks she picked the weekend because she knows that my GF cant get off work and she didn't really want her to go. She said that my mom would never treat a white girl that way. WOW its frustrating because it wasn't true. She started saying that American parents will never love a Vietnamese girl and I just went against everything I knew I should say. As much as I knew I should stay calm and stay positive I couldn't stop thinking that she was verbally attacking my family. She had no reason to think that my mom didn't like her because she was Vietnamese. I really do realize that she has a disorder and she paints people black or white based on how they feel but my mom has always been super nice to her and I felt so disrespected that she would say that about my family.

I told her that she was being rude, disrespectful and selfish. I said that my family invites her to everything and has shown her only love and all these things she is saying is just fears she puts in her own head on not reality. I knew it was wrong to say this but I could not simply validate her attacking my family like that. I had to say something. Of course she said I didn't understand her feelings and got silent for an hour. She stayed in the bathroom for an hour thinking about who knows what but came out fine. I don't know what she thinks now but she seemed happy the rest of the night. I don't know though. Im sure I did damage with what I said and I am sure it was the wrong thing to say. I just don't know what else.

[Meili]

There's nothing that you can do about the argument now except learn from it.

Here's a couple of things:

She started saying that American parents will never love a Vietnamese girl and I just went against everything I knew I should say. As much as I knew I should stay calm and stay positive I couldn't stop thinking that she was verbally attacking my family.

Did you remember that the attacks aren't actually about the target? That might have helped greatly to remain calm.

She had no reason to think that my mom didn't like her because she was Vietnamese.

That isn't a fair statement for you to make and is very invalidating. She may very well have a reason to think that. Even if it isn't a reason that you can see or believe. That doesn't change that she felt that way at that moment.

I really do realize that she has a disorder and she paints people black or white based on how they feel but my mom has always been super nice to her and I felt so disrespected that she would say that about my family.

I'm sure that you did! I would feel that way too.

I told her that she was being rude, disrespectful and selfish. I said that my family invites her to everything and has shown her only love and all these things she is saying is just fears she puts in her own head on not reality. I knew it was wrong to say this but I could not simply validate her attacking my family like that. I had to say something. Of course she said I didn't understand her feelings and got silent for an hour.

She's right! I agree, you didn't have to validate what she was saying about your family, but invalidating her probably wasn't the best choice. I'm glad that she calmed down quickly though.

I'm sorry if this is upsetting to you. It isn't meant as a criticism. It is meant with respect and to try to help you see and reach your desired goal. Each of us that tries to save and improve our relationships have to learn different ways of communicating.

[jrharvey]

I'm sorry if this is upsetting to you. It isn't meant as a criticism. It is meant with respect and to try to help you see and reach your desired goal. Each of us that tries to save and improve our relationships have to learn different ways of communicating.

Im not offended. Im here to learn and improve. Believe it or not I have come so far from where I was. This is a step by step thing. I am learning one skill at a time and trying to improve every day. Your right. I did invalidate her. I could have said nothing. Or I could have done something different.

Im not saying its right but at that time and in my head I just couldn't stop thinking about how she was painting my mom black and I didn't feel like she deserved that. Your right though. I didn't think about the fact that its not about my mom but its about how she felt.

Im going to go through the workshop and read every single article.

Im still very much in that fight or flight response. You know I think one of the problems is most of us are taught to stand up for and defend the ones we love. Ironic that my GF wants me to stand up for and defend her when other people say something but if I defend my mom against her its a bad thing. Of course.

BTW. Thank you for helping me out. I do appreciate everything. Im in a tough place and need support. I don't take your post as negative. I respect the cold hard truth. I respect the time you put in to post feedback.

[Meili]

I agree that we are taught to stand-up for the ones that we love. Sadly, you found yourself in a situation where you were caught between two people that you love and care about. It must have been a tough place to be.

I cannot tell you how many times I've completely forgotten about healthy ways to communicate. I did it with my x both last Friday and Saturday nights as a matter of fact. All that we can do is try to learn from it so as to change the dynamics.

I'm glad that you took my post in the spirit in which it was meant!