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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: advice on what to say  (Read 355 times)
Eco
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: July 26, 2016, 12:39:01 PM »

My 3 year old daughter is really having trouble with some things.

1. I bought her a stuffed animal ( a cat from a bugs bunny cartoon ) 2 weeks ago and she took it to her moms when I brought her back, my ex usually fights me on sending things to her house. My daughter really loved this stuffed animal and last week my daughter told me that she lost her kitty ( stuffed animal ) and she was about to cry, I asked her what happened to it and she said " momma took it " which means my ex took it away from her. I told my daughter that it wasn't right for momma to take that away and that I would buy her another one. Anything else I should have said to help her cope? I haven't said anything to my ex yet.

2. When it was time for me to take my daughter back to her mom I started to get her dressed and told her It wasn't time to leave yet and that I was only getting her cloths changed. my daughter asked me " you're not going to leave me? you're only changing me?
I asked her if she felt like I was leaving her when I took her back to her moms, she nodded yes and looked so sad. I told her that I love her and I will never leave her and that its just mommy's time with her and I cant be there.

what else could I say? It felt like my heart was thrown in a blender.

My ex just got engaged and has turned back into a complete nightmare towards me, the hate machine has started up again towards me which I don't understand. She just got engaged, shouldn't she be a little happy?

 We ( me and my ex )worked out a deal that isn't part of the order that I can get my daughter while my ex is at work 1 extra day a week  ( about 7hrs ) last week without warning she took that day away without even telling me so when I showed up to get my daughter at daycare they informed me that my ex brought the court order in and told them I was only allowed to get my daughter the 1 day during the week for 2 hrs per the court order. My ex is giving me the silent treatment and wont say why.

I informed her that we would be going back to court, over the last 2 years I haven't had the money to go but 3 months ago I got a great job and can at least start the process.   
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2016, 03:16:44 PM »

I do think that now is the time to get the 'dispute' addressed in court.  Even though it wasn't part of the order, it was a longstanding pattern.  It worked.  If you wait a long time and tell the court "a year ago I had additional time" it may not give you a hearing ear.

I believe it would be good to seek not just for that time to be restored but even more time than she had allowed you.  How about seeking at least equal time.  More and more courts are granting that.  Courts are more likely to make a decision somewhere in the middle.  If you only ask for those hours on one day then you might get it, maybe.  But if you ask for a lot more time, and give reasons for it, then even if you don't get your entire request, you could very well walk out with more than those 7 hours she just cancelled.

As for why she is doing this now, it almost surely is connected to her not depositing your most recent child support checks.  Did that occur to you?  Maybe someone reminded her that she was giving you extra time and so how could she claim you're a deadbeat father, hmm?  Oh, and this... .

My ex just got engaged and has turned back into a complete nightmare towards me, the hate machine has started up again towards me which I don't understand. She just got engaged, shouldn't she be a little happy?

Remember, most pwBPD view all ended relationship partners as abusive and the evil scum of the earth, lower than whale poo.  She's idolizing her New Guy and so of course you're now the opposite, Mr Evil Personified.  After all, she can't get you out of her life since you two share a child.  That doesn't mean she won't try.
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david
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« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2016, 09:49:39 AM »

I live in Pa. They passed a law a few years ago which basically told family court that 50/50 is the norm and that their must be a very good reason to alter that. It would take either parent to prove to the court that 50/50 should not be followed. Also, the judge must put in writing his/her decision and the reasons why.
Having evidence showing that an adjustment to the order worked fine for a length of time would bolster your position in court. It would be up to the opposing party to show cause as to why the adjustment wasn't in the child's best interest.
Our two boys figured out early on that things would disappear at moms' place and they left them with me. They also would take things from her place and leave them at my place for the same reason. I saw no reason to discuss this with their mom because that would put them in her cross hairs. She would focus her anger on them and they would suffer the consequences with no one there to help them. As they got older they learned coping strategies in dealing with their mom.
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david
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« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2016, 03:36:28 PM »

Our boys were 4.5 and 8.5 when ex ran away and the chaos started. They are now 13 and 17. It was very difficult to navigate through all the bs from ex in the beginning. I found a therapist and this site to help me get my bearings straight.
One thing I noticed in my situation was/is that ex only has a few and limited ways of dealing with life. I only communicate through email which helps a lot.
Raising kids is a game of adjustments. As they mature you have to adjust. Ex doesn't have that ability.
At three, there probably isn't much to explain. Listen and validate how they feel. Find simple solutions if they can't.
"my ex usually fights me on sending things to her house." You know that so it might be better to just accept that fact and not send things to her house. I agree that is immature on ex's part but the sooner you accept it the sooner D3 will not be disappointed when things are taken away. D3 will learn to accept that too.
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ambivalentmom
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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2016, 07:03:11 PM »

I think you handled it really well.  Really, really well; Remember that if things are getting hard for you.  You can also thank or tell D3 she did good by telling you and talking to you is always the right thing to do.  

The hard part is proving that ex is doing these things as control tactics.  I emailed my ex when my D(11 at the time) wore her favorite coat to his house and it didn't come back.  My daughter told me where she left it in the hotel while they were with him, but his email said that they do not have her coat (he's really good at phrasing, so he's technically not lying).  She started saying how it wasn't really her favorite, so then I knew we weren't getting it back.

You could try a SET email, saying something like "I noticed her cat didn't come back with her and I understand that you might feel blah blah blah. I also wanted know if something changed with our current agreement where I spend whatever day a week with her. Something about D3 anticipating time with mom."  Maybe that phrasing will keep ex from thinking D3 told you and focus on herself and positive ways to establish visitation.  Maybe also put in the email or let D3 know that since she has two cats, she can keep one at each house.  That will not be the reality (because ex took it away at her house), but a temporary solution until D3 is old enough to at least understand what is happening.  I'm sorry you guys are going through this.  
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soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2016, 02:02:10 AM »

I understand your dilemma really well. Any and all gifts we give my stepsons (10 yrs old) end up getting "lost" or "they can't find them anymore". We have decided we will still give them gifts as hopefully now they are at an age where they remember that they got something from Dad and me. No matter what happens with the gifts. We will ask a few times after we give them the gifts wether they have fun playing with toy xyz or wether they have been able to show mom the new game they got from us and play it with her. But we soon figured out that most of the time they will say: oh... i forgot.

We have done several things: 1. we take a picture of each gift before we give it. 2. if we mail it to BPDxw we tell her we want to see the boys opening it over skype. Hopefully that way they will at least associate the gift with us (for a few moments at least).
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