Reliving my past

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First, I feel so incredibly sad today -- that this relationship, which I clung to for more than a year, did not work and also that someone I care about so much lives in absolute hell. I enabled and perpetuated the relationship and his dysfunction and my pain by being a full partner in the fantasy. I pretended to close my eyes and not see the broken promises and betrayals. The few times I called him on them, I was timid and inarticulate. I wanted this so badly that I bought into the dream that we would be together one day.

A year ago, I started therapy. I felt like I was going crazy. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was married, but obsessed with this person who caused me tremendous pain. I saw no way it would work but could not stop. I felt that I was reliving my past and it was horrible.

My family was extremely dysfunctional (diagnosed narcissist mom who raged and a passive-aggressive father). I was brought up to be compliant, to not contradict, to do what I was told. I rebelled but in sneaky, underhanded ways. I lied and avoided, and did not stand up for myself (although I could stand up for others). When confronted, I would freeze and go numb. Yet I always thought that I could fix anything or anyone if I just tried hard enough, that it was my responsibility to make things right and that I could figure out a way to get anything if I really wanted it. Manipulative, controlling and selfish.

When I met the pwBPD, he reminded me of an old boyfriend I have never forgotten (He was a different religion. My parents threatened to cut me off. I should have let them). Anyway, with this relationship I wanted to rewrite the past. I wanted to redeem the one I gave up. I wanted a relationship of equals, of partners. I wanted intimacy, a person who was emotionally available. I wanted to be listened to, instead of the one doing the listening, to be fixed -- instead of doing the fixing -- to talk over problems instead of freezing up, accommodating and giving in. (We talked about all of this and he said it was what he wanted also).

But if I wanted all that, why did I choose someone with BPD? One of the least likely people capable of this? Instead of not repeating old patterns, I have doubled down on them. I overlooked egregious, hurtful behavior. I accommodated craziness and dysfunction. I let him control the relationship. I was a party to my own gas-lighting. I kept going back and back and stuck to this tenaciously until I had no idea of who I was or what I wanted -- except him. I lost interest in many things I love unless he was part of them -- and he generally wasn't.

Why?

[Narkiss]

First, I feel so incredibly sad today -- that this relationship, which I clung to for more than a year, did not work and also that someone I care about so much lives in absolute hell. I enabled and perpetuated the relationship and his dysfunction and my pain by being a full partner in the fantasy. I pretended to close my eyes and not see the broken promises and betrayals. The few times I called him on them, I was timid and inarticulate. I wanted this so badly that I bought into the dream that we would be together one day.

A year ago, I started therapy. I felt like I was going crazy. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was married, but obsessed with this person who caused me tremendous pain. I saw no way it would work but could not stop. I felt that I was reliving my past and it was horrible.

My family was extremely dysfunctional (diagnosed narcissist mom who raged and a passive-aggressive father). I was brought up to be compliant, to not contradict, to do what I was told. I rebelled but in sneaky, underhanded ways. I lied and avoided, and did not stand up for myself (although I could stand up for others). When confronted, I would freeze and go numb. Yet I always thought that I could fix anything or anyone if I just tried hard enough, that it was my responsibility to make things right and that I could figure out a way to get anything if I really wanted it. Manipulative, controlling and selfish.

When I met the pwBPD, he reminded me of an old boyfriend I have never forgotten (He was a different religion. My parents threatened to cut me off. I should have let them). Anyway, with this relationship I wanted to rewrite the past. I wanted to redeem the one I gave up. I wanted a relationship of equals, of partners. I wanted intimacy, a person who was emotionally available. I wanted to be listened to, instead of the one doing the listening, to be fixed -- instead of doing the fixing -- to talk over problems instead of freezing up, accommodating and giving in. (We talked about all of this and he said it was what he wanted also).

But if I wanted all that, why did I choose someone with BPD? One of the least likely people capable of this? Instead of not repeating old patterns, I have doubled down on them. I overlooked egregious, hurtful behavior. I accommodated craziness and dysfunction. I let him control the relationship. I was a party to my own gas-lighting. I kept going back and back and stuck to this tenaciously until I had no idea of who I was or what I wanted -- except him. I lost interest in many things I love unless he was part of them -- and he generally wasn't.

Why?

[badenergytroll]

I hear you and I did the same thing you did, and the only answer I can find is that we did not manage to solve our problems from the past, so they defeated us yet again!

My last relationship was pretty much cut and paste first relationship from more than 15 years ago!

And from the very beginning I had the feeling this is exactly the same like that was! Only, I kept telling myself, wow, this feels like a second chance, a new opportunity to make things right and this time do it right all over again.

Yeah, right! i think it was even worse!    I have no idea how to restart from here and I'm not even young anymore.

[michel71]

Narcissi... .you are not alone. I could have written your post WORD FOR WORD. You posted what I have been thinking all day and for many days now, maybe months even. You put it so succinctly.
I knew I was in trouble in my relationship early in to it but I just kept on going. I figured that if I loved harder, forgave and kept our future in mind then all would eventually worked out. IT NEVER DID.
The red flags were waiving madly but I rationalized every behavior away or, worse yet, it felt very familiar to me as I was used to a mother who always kept her love and approval out of reach and gave me a lot of mixed messages. I learned early on that to love is to have a certain level of pain. Through therapy I was able to equate my marriage to my mother, tie the two together in one narcissistic dysfunctional knot.
When I look back on how much I put up with I feel foolish and humiliated. I see that I was just as sick as my spouse for tolerating it. I am your typical co-dependent rescuer type. If it is broken I will be happy to fix it and die trying.
My uBPD spouse was severely abused and raped as a small child. So much of everything that is done or said fits BPD and NP to the letter.
My uBPD spouse caused me emotional hell and financial devastation. I am at the end of my rope and planning for a divorce which will come as a shock to my spouse I think. Maybe not. But who cares anyway.
We are all here to support each other and I wish you love and blessings in your journey towards peace.

[Narkiss]

Thank you for the love and support. I can't tell you how much I need it right now.

 Yes, the red flags were waving madly. But I just pushed on. I squashed my sense that something was terribly wrong. And tried even harder. I idealized and excused and created stories in my head that explained away his behavior. All along, he told me about his selfishness, emptiness, pain and potential for violence. I listened, pitied, accepted and felt flattered. Moments of intimacy and love and joy would always be followed by broken promises and betrayal -- and despite tremendous pain, I would pretend I didn't notice. I accepted the unacceptable and bared my neck for more (a year ago, I dreamed that he literally drove us both off a cliff).

Yet, I blamed myself when I didn't always do and say the perfect thing, when I wasn't amazing enough, when I didn't play my cards right. I wanted to be a shining light in his life that he would be drawn back to. And I was, until reality got in way. Then it would fall apart. And again, I would try even harder.

I know all this. This is arguably worse than what I endured in childhood. Yet, I hold a feeling-picture that we are intertwined heart, body and mind. That seems more real than reality. Am I crazy too?

[michel71]

No! You are not crazy. I sent you a response to your PM by the way! Hope you got it.
We are loving people that have some issues of trusting too much and giving too much at our personal peril. All we want is to be loved. We are the die hard optimists and want to look on the bright side of things. Love equals a certain amount of pain or abuse and that comes from our childhood and it is what is unfortunately subconsciously "normal" to us. At least that is how my T put it.
I think we do sound crazy for putting up with such unacceptable behavior from our BPD/NPs and I do think they can make us crazy but only as long as we let them. The harsh reality is that we are participants in this to the extent that we stuck around "even though". I like how you describe the "fantasy". I wanted mine to be so much of a reality and like you I ignored red flags, rationalized away the ones that were too overt and re-wrote the script a bit but the actual ending was always the same for me... .THIS WAS GOING TO WORK! LOVE CONQUERS ALL. HAPPY ENDING.
Gosh did I love the fantasy especially at the beginning. Love interest from a foreign country, loved the accent, loved the allure, loved the intimacy ( so intense), loved the jet-setting ( and ultimately savings depleting) lifestyle of going back and forth. Loved planning the dream wedding. Believed all the promises. Believed that I would be cherished. Yet now that I look back I wonder how much of what I was getting from my spouse was just mirroring; in fact, I was so busy courting and swooning that I didn't really take the time to see, other than incredible sex, what I was really getting out of it.

[Fie]

Hello Narkiss   

Also I did what you did. I have a BPD mum and I tried to repair the past  by having a relationship with a BPD.
Somehow it's normal we all do that ... .we try to fix our old pains, plus this is the way we were taught to see love: twisted.

You are not crazy at all. I had  exactly the same feeling with my BPD  ex : like we were intertwined. Sometimes  I even felt I could read his mind (really. I know it sounds weird). BPD is caused by  trauma, and like nonBPD  who are co-dependant, they often have a dysfunctional FOO. So it's normal that when you bring two of such people together, that they feel close and kind of almost like brother and sister (this is how it felt for me).
The good thing is that now we realize all of this. We see that we tried to repair our childhood, and that it didn't work. And that it will never. We have to work on our inner child self, and heal. Our childhood is ruined. But our adult life is fully in front of us.

I give you a big hug.   

[heartandwhole]

Hi Narkiss,

You certainly aren't crazy, but I understand why you wrote that, I really do. I relate to your post very much. When I met pwBPD I felt that I was very, very aware of my "stuff." Had been working on FOO issues that impacted my relationships for years. Came out of healthy, loving relationships in my early adulthood. As I got older, it seemed that things were going wonky—I was attracting people who were on the extreme end of my usual pattern (unavailability). Put myself into a situation that was quite unsatisfying, telling myself that I was okay with the type of relationship when, in fact, it wasn't what I wanted at all. Then I met pwBPD. Not knowing anything about BPD or much about personality disorders, I went in blind. Even him telling me he had BPD didn't stop me from thinking that it couldn't be that bad, because he was SO aware of his issues, working hard on them, and was a very loving person. Well, you know the rest... .Why was this getting harder instead of easier?

Maybe it's because as we get older and more aware of our patterns, only then are we ready to confront the even deeper issues that haven't yet come to light? For example, after my experience with pwBPD, I have come to believe that there are BPD traits in my family that I simply never recognized, but which now explain A LOT about why I feel and react the way I do. In other words, we continue to meet our issues in new disguises, but each time with more wisdom and experience.

Which brings me to what I wanted to write in this post (got a bit sidetracked). What we are all referencing here sounds a lot like repetition compulsion, and the attempt to finally master the situation that in our childhoods caused us so much pain and feelings of helplessness. The problem is that we are using childhood coping strategies to do the mastering, and they are just not appropriate anymore.

Here is some more info. from Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma specialist whose work I admire: www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

I found this paragraph particularly relevant to your post (he talks about violence, but it applies to all kinds of trauma and neglect):

People who are exposed early to violence or neglect come to expect it as a way of life. They see the chronic helplessness of their mothers and fathers' alternating outbursts of affection and violence; they learn that they themselves have no control. As adults they hope to undo the past by love, competency, and exemplary behavior. When they fail they are likely to make sense out of this situation by blaming themselves. When they have little experience with nonviolent resolution of differences, partners in relationships alternate between an expectation of perfect behavior leading to perfect harmony and a state of helplessness, in which all verbal communication seems futile. A return to earlier coping mechanisms, such as self-blame, numbing (by means of emotional withdrawal or drugs or alcohol), and physical violence sets the stage for a repetition of the childhood trauma and "return of the repressed."

What do you think, Narkiss?

heartandwhole

[married21years]

hi

try not to beat yourself up

it takes two to make a relationship

you did the best with the tools you had

do not use hindsight to abuse yourself you had good intentions!