S12 growing up, need to change how I deal with drama his mom starts

[Waddams]

My son is 12 now.  His uPDmom continues to be wildly inconsistent, to say the least.  He's asking more questions, growing up and seeing more issues, and I think I might need to start evolving my strategy for parenting him and coaching him through various things. 

A recent example - I was going to go to a water park for the day with some people. I have season passes for him and I.  It was his mom's weekend, so I texted her to see if I could get him to take him if she didn't have other plans.  S12 gets upset if he finds out I did things like that without him, he feels like he missed out.  So sometimes, I try to get him to take him with me regardless of whose time it is.  Sometimes I get him, sometimes they have other plans.  Such is life.

Anyway, I texted his mom, and she sent back a bunch of nebulous, weird texts that amounted to "maybe, check when you're leaving."  So I do that, no text response, no phone pickup, etc.  So I call his phone.  No answer, but he calls back in a few minutes.  I ask him about coming, say I'd told his mom.  Turns out she didn't say anything to him, and I hear her start yelling at him that she'd told me no already, and he couldn't go, and why was he talking to me, etc.  I quickly just told him we had passes, he'd get plenty chances to go more, and got off the phone.  He was upset, but I wanted to end it and get him out of the middle as soon as I realized that she'd told me one thing, done another, and was taking it out on him in that moment.

I'll be getting him later tonight, and I know he's gonna ask what happened with it all.  I've never done this, but he's 12 now, so I think I'm just gonna show him the texts, that she said maybe to me, and let him see the truth.  In the past, I've always just said "I guess we just had a miscommunication" or something similar.  He's just really starting to see inconsistencies, mom saying one thing, doing another, then blaming it on everyone else.  He's asking questions, and I'm feeling he needs some validation that he seeing things correctly and some coaching on how to deal with it.  I can't think of anything better than show him the texts, not make disparaging remarks or anything about mom, just let him see the truth.  Then tell him I have no idea why his mom does this, I know it's hard to deal with, I'll always be truthful with him, and he's right she's being inconsistent. 

As for coaching him on how to deal with it better, I'm at a loss currently.  It was solved for me by divorcing her.  I think all I can do is validate his experiences and try to coach to him to some point of being comfortable with himself.

[ForeverDad]

Validate the reality he's experienced.  Don't leave her distorted claims, rants and rages (her "facts" unopposed or unexplained.  Be aware it will take time for him to achieve better perceptions, gain more objective skills and attain deeper thinking.  He will surely be caught off guard at times, just as you were in the past.  So coach him on skills.  Teach him how to stand on his own two feet and not timidly cave on valid conclusions.  Validate the facts, help him to learn how to think through the issues and experiences.  This is a long term process, there will be hiccups along the way, but remind him that some day he's going to be an adult man and have to think on his own two feet and he needs the experience and confidence of trusting his conclusions and convictions.

[Turkish]

I went LC with my mom the day I turned 18 and moved out of the house. "6 years isn't long son!" Probably not the best approach here... .

I'd show him the texts and ask him what he thought without giving your opinion first. "Here is how the communication went. Take a look and tell me what you think?" and go from there. If you sense that he is going to bring it up with her, then maybe you can coach him.

[Catsmother]

We have recently started showing SS12 emails received from UBPDm, especially in situations where he has said one thing and her another. We feel a bit awkward, but he is seeing it for himself, and he is a little perplexed as to why she is doing it. He even said she seems angry in one. He is also starting to realise that over the years, she has told him a whole pack of lies. It must hurt a chip to know that a parent lies to them. The hard part is teaching resilience, as it is something that has to be learnt rather than taught.