Dealing with insecurity - mine

[foggydew]

My friendship/relationship with uBPD person has lasted over 6 years now, at varied levels of closeness. It has been a help to me, and to him. One pattern I have noticed is that when we live close together but separately, he spends most of his free time with me, but if we holiday together or share the same living space after the 3rd day he becomes abusive or stops speaking to me. And this is the same whatever the situation. But when he moved away he told me he wanted me to remain part of his life, and took a larger flat so I could stay there too. I also contribute financially.
Over the past weeks after he lost his job his behaviour became much worse - I spent 3 days a week with him, partly at his request but also as we were taking a course together. Recently he told me he would like to see me less. Twice a month instead of every week. So I asked him if he wanted to end the contact ... he said he wasn't sure. But we have had this situation several times before, and it always changed. A difference this time is that I feel more detached - somehow the intimacy of our friendship has suffered. Friendship - weird relationship, but it has been important for us both, giving support on both sides in spite of the abuse and devaluation. I have never tried to be the only woman in his life, have encouraged him to have other contacts, have introduced him to possible girlfriends (there is a big age difference between us and he says he would like children). However, he has problems in keeping any kind of friendship.
Now, if this were a perfectly normal friendship/relationship, I would feel ok with planning ahead and continuing my life - continuing to share the flat and do the things, meet the people, that are part of my life down there. They are important to me and the whole thing has lifted me out of the long depression and hopelessness after my husband's death. And continuing my role as contact person, friend, advisor. But my own personal insecurity jumps in here - I have an unpleasant habit of feeling unwanted and unneccessary, even when people tell me it isn't true. I'm always surprised when people want contact. Or even notice I exist.
Have to stop here - some things have become clearer as I write, but also the feeling of being alone has grown.

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[livednlearned]

Hi foggydew,

That must be painful to go from living close/separate (good friendship) to sharing space/holiday (bad friendship).

It sounds like his attachment system is getting activated when he shares a space with you, and he dysregulates. Could that be what's going on?

I can see how if he pushes you away, it would make you feel bad (unwanted + unnecessary), and that those feelings would be even harder if you already feel unworthy.

I used to think I had to suppress the feelings of being unworthy or hurt, and have had to learn to feel them and let them go, a slightly different process. In some ways more painful, tho there is a sense of relief when it passes. Does that happen to you?

[foggydew]

You are probably right, Lived, thanks.  I started to write about him and his feelings right now, then thought... no... this has to be about ME. I feel agitated when I think about him, and a lot calmer when I think about what I want to do. I suppose I have to try and extracate myself. So the feelings are going to come and I am going to have to feel them and let them go. I hope I can. Not sure.
He's doing NC at the moment, and that is a good idea for a while. I think I've been more or less replaced by some 'friends'.

[livednlearned]

However, he has problems in keeping any kind of friendship.

Do you have a sense why this is? BPD can make interpersonal relationships difficult, though it can manifest in different ways.

Do you think it is usually others who end the friendships? Or does he end them?

[foggydew]

Female relationships are usually ended by the female, male relationships just peter out mostly - or he makes a clean break when he loses/quits a job. He doesn't keep contact well, isn't interested in small talk, is not keen on going out much. Sometimes he just doesn't open the door when someone comes to pick him up. His new 'friends' are people on the edge, politically questionable, and below him in intelligence. He buys drinks for them... .and drinks very much himself.