My GF wants help. How can I help?

[jrharvey]

Is there anything I can do? After a full day of rage she broke down and said she needed help. She believes that she really does have BPD but doesn't know what to do. I know therapy is the #1 issue. We have no insurance and it would require so much. I want us to learn DBT. I have sent her a bunch of videos on borderline from what it actually is and how it feels. She is watching them. She says its exactly how she feels. She want to get better. Is there any good helpful material for borderlines?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rickybee]

They are some can be cured with 10 years intense therapy... .I often read that... unfortunately very small success rate, and therapy is not free... sorry to sound discouraging, I'm not a professional this is just want i've read over the past year... its very sad illness... .and even sadder when they eventually deliver the betrayal and evil during devaluation... .reading a much as possible may help prepare for the abuse/manipulation/lying and gaslighting etc... .hopefully somebody else here can give some more encouraging advice, this is only what I have learned from my experience and over a year of research on the illness, good luck

[Waddams]

My Aunt (therapist with 30+ years experience) swears by Al-Anon, even for people that don't have drinking problems.  It's free to go to the meetings.

Also, at least near me, there are group therapy options that are pretty cheap ($20 +/- per meeting), etc. 

Those things can be a start.  What can she do to start getting into a position to get more help?  Is a job with insurance benefits an option?

[lbjnltx]

some can be cured with 10 years intense therapy... .

This might be a good read.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

There is strong evidence from the McLean Study of Adult Development (Harvard University) that 40% of patients with borderline personality disorder remit after 2 years, with 88% no longer meeting the criteria after 10 years(1). In the Collaborative Longitudinal Personality Disorders Study, findings suggest that about one-half of those who meet Borderline Personality Disorder on admission no longer meet DSM-IV criteria 24 months later(2).

After a full day of rage she broke down and said she needed help. She believes that she really does have BPD

We have had many members report immediate improvement after starting treatment - there are those that have gone into residential treatment and shown significant improvement after 6-8 weeks - although it is clearly an ongoing retraining process.

Not being in a major metropolitan area is a disadvantage. You might try calling DBT centers and see what resources they are aware of. I sent to a list.  

Also, a suicide help line will often know where low cost mental health treatment is available.

I do think the first step is getting her in front of someone that specializes in mood or personality disorders to get an assessment and recommendations, including medication.

[Grey Kitty]

Working the tools and lessons here will help her--at least in terms of letting her deal with her own issues, instead of being drawn into a conflict with her that avoids her having to deal with them.

Take a look at the reviews for "The High Conflict Couple" in the book reviews area on this site--It is a home program version of DBT more-or-less.

[Lilyroze]

  jrharvey,

It is great she is seeing she needs help, approached you on it and you are looking into.

Since you signed up here, started posting, getting input, taking your own accountability in the drama and chaos do you think that helped? I know you were trying some tools stepping back, and facing it all, it might be what helped her see.

Has using the tools helped lately?

Have you read the SWOE book or the High Conflict Couple: DBT book yet?


Good job learning the tools, and trying with the boundaries. Skip bumped a great thread on compassion and empathy that might help while establishing boundaries, and a routine with you two. I hope she finds some resources, books and tools as well and can get into counseling.

Keep going, at least you both are working on a healthier path.

[motherhen]

We don't have any insurance and our experiences with sliding scale centers that offer counseling have been disappointing in the past. They may claim to be experienced in treating his particular issues, but I've never seen a counselor that had a single clue how to treat him. Hubby also has Bipolar type 1 that complicates matters, but he's stable now. Getting his meds right finally helped a lot and made us realize that he also has BPD.

I feel like maybe I am in the minority, or perhaps it's just that people who are hurting post the most so you don't hear stories like this often. Learning about BPD and implementing tools to manage the behaviors has changed everything for us even without therapy. Just realizing that this is something that can be understood and makes sense when he had no idea why he acted out before is *huge*. He's starting to be able to internally regulate his emotions, identify the core emotion and trigger and recover quickly from what would have previously been big outbursts.

For me, having a reason that makes sense for what seemed to be inexplicable in the past has changed the way I respond completely. I know how to diffuse, validate and when he just needs some time. He's even been telling his coworkers how different I am and how I'm calm and able to help him through his episodes. I can't remember the last time he said anything nice about me to anyone. It's been years that we spent hating each other and now we joke around and for the most part enjoy being together.

If she wants help, many people with BPD are very open to it. They have suffered so much and having a reason that makes sense and some hope since it's highly treatable can be life altering. I hope that you have better luck finding low cost counseling. Even if it's out of reach, there is so much information available and if she is motivated she can do well. Especially because she has your support.

[jrharvey]

Since you signed up here, started posting, getting input, taking your own accountability in the drama and chaos do you think that helped? I know you were trying some tools stepping back, and facing it all, it might be what helped her see.

I definitely think this is what is helping. I have been setting boundaries lately which help me remove myself from dangerous situations. Its also raised my self esteem a lot. I have been being more of an observer lately during her outburst. I think that helps a lot to not let her words and actions get to me. Ive realized that the mean things she says sometimes is a reflection of herself and her own turmoil. Its also made her not react so out of control because I don't fuel the fire as much. I have been able to control my actions a lot more. Im learning about mindfulness and practicing that. So much has changed but I feel like there is so much more.

I had a hiccup yesterday. We were going to watch some DBT stuff on youtube and it triggered her where she went on an hour long rant about all the things in the past that upset her. She also tried to tell me that she doesn't feel as loved anymore because I actually started setting boundaries. I stayed in observer mode and talked very little. Just let her get everything out that she needs to. I spoke some but very little. She said that I need to learn about and accept her disorder and accept her for what she is. She said that me setting boundaries hurts her and makes her more insecure. I feel like this is her testing the boundaries. She tried to guilt me in by saying that if I truly loved her then I would accept how insecure she is and accept her disorder and be more willing to do anything for her. The things we talked about was having rules that I need to text her and take pictures of every single location I am at, GPS track my location every time, Not see my friends because she is insecure, Have 24/7 access to my phone, remove friends she doesn't like, leave a work meeting that last longer than an hour just so I can update her that it is taking longer, not stand in line next to a girl, not sit beside a girl in the movie theater and if there is no other option then to leave the movie and finally not go to work lunches because there will be female coworkers there even though our office is about 50/50 male and female. She said I should be willing to do all these things because I have to accept who she is.

I just let her know that some of those things I can help her with but some of them have been reason for her to overreact and become abusive. She really tried to push but I didn't let it affect me. I just let her talk for a while and observed. I think she enjoys being heard without me arguing back. It helps a lot. I said what I needed to say and just stayed quiet after.

Probably the most important thing I have learned here is DO NOT argue with BPD. It is more effected to beat your head into a brick wall. No amount of logic or even TRUTH will change her emotional state. Just let it die out. Extinction burst. That seems to be an amazing tool.

One thing that will be difficult in the future I think is helping her but not triggering her. I can tell its going to be a very delicate process. We never did end up watching the DBT video. After she calmed down we hugged, kissed and went out to watch the meteor shower. I love space, stars and the universe. She has taken a huge interest in that with me. Its amazing.

[C.Stein]

She tried to guilt me in by saying that if I truly loved her then I would accept how insecure she is and accept her disorder and be more willing to do anything for her. The things we talked about was having rules that I need to text her and take pictures of every single location I am at, GPS track my location every time, Not see my friends because she is insecure, Have 24/7 access to my phone, remove friends she doesn't like, leave a work meeting that last longer than an hour just so I can update her that it is taking longer, not stand in line next to a girl, not sit beside a girl in the movie theater and if there is no other option then to leave the movie and finally not go to work lunches because there will be female coworkers there even though our office is about 50/50 male and female. She said I should be willing to do all these things because I have to accept who she is.

Be careful here.  This strikes me as her using the disorder as an excuse for unacceptable behavior (i.e. you need to change not me).  Allowing her to continue with the unacceptable behavior is enabling it.  This is something that will need to be compromised at the very least.  It will take effort on both your parts, not just yours.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, keep up your good work on boundaries.

One thing that helped me a bit with things like that loong list of things she did to keep tabs on you / keep you from being near somebody with to X chromosomes.

It isn't your job to convince her that she is wrong and you are right.

It is just your job to convince her that you aren't going to do what she wants you to.

Keep that in mind for the ones that are boundaries you ARE going to enforce... .you can do the second one with a lot less arguing, and as you noticed, nothing good comes of that!