Scaremongering

[catclaw]

Hey there 

We have this situation and are not 100% sure about how/if to react.

Ss went on vacation with us by plane, this year and last year. Last year was the first time he ever took a plane. Last year he was so excited and happy and extremely looking forward to the takeoff and landing and take of and had a blast taking pictures of the clouds and taking videos of himself explaining how everything works. He talked about it months after and developed a huge interest in planes and airlines.

This year was different. In feburary he announced how excited he was to fly again and was really happy. Then BPDm's plan to take him back (due to court's pressure to pay child support followed by her getting pregnant and demanding more weekends for weird reasons) kicked in and he didn't talk about summer vacatiom anymore. Dh and i didn't think too much into it, as his interests and "obsessions" vary a lot and didn't ask him. One weekend after visitation at his mom's he couldn't keep it to himself anymore and started ask7ng questions about plane crashes and accidents and how people die in planes. He seemed to know lots of  cruel details. He said he overheard kids at school telling these stories. We explained how flying is actually really safe and how there are safety measures blah blah but he didn't seem satisfied. A few days later he confessed to my mom and later to dh that it was his mom who told him all of this and that they watched video footage of planes crashing and so on. We tried to explain and explain and to make a difference. He was 100% resistent to all explanations and advice. When the day came, he sat in his seat, shaking, sweating and about to throw up from fear. He cried silently, claiming he was just tired. He didn't want to be touched nor talked to. We were really worried. After a while he searched for physical contact and tears started flowing. Dh asked him if it was because of the horror stories and ss said yes. So dh just held him and ss started talking about situations when his mom scared him and how she just never stops doing so and how he wants it to stop.

He is going to spend some time with her now and dh is hesistant to confront BPDm. We are afraid she might just scare him even MORE if she's being confronted. At least that's our experience (remember the story about the kidnapped and slaughtered children when ss started walking to school with his friends? After dh confronted her, she searched for more articles and videos about child abduction to show ss).

We decided to encourage him to tell his mom to keep her fears to herself. Dh will talk to ss' T and hopes she will have a talk with BPDm.

Did anyone of you guys ever deal with that kind of behaviour? How did you cope? What did help your kids?

[bravhart1]

That is just horrific. She has a mental illness and can not be trusted to regulate herself around her son.
That is what you need to talk to the therapist about and see if your lawyer can ask for a custody evaluation. The depth of her illness and the lack of her judgement need to be exposed. Your SS needs to be protected from this.

We had almost the exact same type of situation, BPDm was filling SD's head with fears at every turn. She ranged from the boys at school want to rape you (she was five at the time) to you are going to be kidnaped while in dads care because he isn't careful with you. She even told her that I was going to run away with her without my own children or my husband. It was bonkers.

The evaluation brought all this to light and mom was ordered into supervised visits. (She doesn't go but that is besides the point) SD is doing much better. It was necessary and needed. It wasn't easy, but to see her be happier than I've ever seen her makes it all worth it.

[catclaw]

Our lawyer said there's no way we get supervised visitation. We live in a country where (even in family court) everything needs to be proven with facts. What the child says is not a fact. When she posted online how she wants to leave the country with SS for him to avoid school (no homeschooling here, kids have to visit school), the screenshots were no clear proof (anyone could have posted under her name). Both cps and our lawyer say that, before dh gets full custody or supervised visitation, something "really bad" (like proven abuse, neglect, abduction etc etc) needs to happen. We have a file containing more than 300 pages of proving how she neglected her custody, but we always get the same old answer "but that was in the past, she would have to make a horrible mistake NOW".

We hope ss' therapist can help. Even though she said that she will not decide whether or not the otherr parent is good for the kid or not, she's there to help the family as a whole. I really hope she can help ss find a way to deal with the scaremongering and tell BPDm to stop the game... right now, she's the only chance we got.

Just last night we heard him crying. Again, he didnt want to say what the matter was. Then after making him a cup of tea, he confessed how he heard a noise and how he was afraid that a meteor will hit us and kill mankind like his mom said it will possibly happen sooner or later.

[bravhart1]

It's awful, I'm sorry for your SS.

Just so you know when we first approached our L about this he said the same exact thing, the difference is that courts are changing the way they see these things now. The courts and jails are full of kids that were brought up this way, and they are trying to catch this sooner so that we don't have such a huge population acting disordered.

Persevere, and don't stop doing what's right for the boy. He deserves to be protected from a mentally ill parent.

You are going not court to ask for supervised visits, you are going to court to ask for a custody evaluation. During an evaluation they test and interview mom, dad and SS. Her mental illness is sure to be exposed and the evaluator will recommend a course of action to protect your SS.

There is no magic bullet to protect his mental health from her inappropriate scare tactics. There isn't anything you are going to able to say to undo the damage mom is doing. You are going to have to stop moms access to his mind.

[catclaw]

I wish that would be an option. I've been talking to a lady during university who actually did evaluations (she stopped because she would get  death threats from evaluated parents) and in our country we cannot demand an evaluation. If there is a trial already going on (custody, visitation, child support), the JUDGE  (!) Can demand for the parents to be evaluated. We have a severe evaluation problem. Court evaluators don't need a specialised education. Anyone with experience im the social sector (even foster moms who have to do nothing but a 3-months course to get a certificate with no further experience) can apply for a job as court evaluator. No need for them to be psychiatrists/ psychologists. That's why we can't just have her evaluated. First we need to go to court. To have any chance in court, we need to have proof. If we don't come over with reliable proof that is recent, WE might be the ones to get evaluated (to be honest, i wouldn't even care, but this still doesn't make her evaluated) by people who are likely to join her game (an experience we also made before) due to being inexperienced and BPDm being a really good (pretend to be) victim... .altogether, we (and mostly ss) are in a really bad position right now.

[bravhart1]

Ugh. I didn't realize you weren't in the states.

I do understand about mom being a good pretender. We spent the first year of this trying to get folks to see mom for who she was and she put on a very good act. But they can not keep it up, so again just persevere and keep your chin up. Mom will blow it, they always do.

In the mean time, do go to your child's therapist and ask for ideas. I also have been having much success with eastern philosophy books for children. Guided imagery, meditation, and stories of what's right with the world. How to show love and compassion ( which is what I intended to help teach her) has also seemed to make her realize that there are other good people in the world and its not all scary and evil. So it's unintended side effect may help your little guy.

You can do a google search, or I use Amazon to search out Buddhist books for children. We are not Buddhists and I leave the Buddha part out, but the rest of the message has done wonders for her anxiety and fearfulness. I hope that might help him too. I also use a diffuser with essential oils for calm at night and homeopathic drops to help calm her when she's anxious.

I hope this helps. 

[catclaw]

Thank you bravheart! I tend to be a quite positive person, too. Both my mom and i have this ritual when waking up SS. We ge in the room, cuddle with him and tell him today is gonna be his lucky day. He always found reasons why it totally would be the worst day ever but lately, when he sees one of us and the cats entering his room, he smiles and getting up has become so much easier for him.

I tried some mild PMR with Ss (I'm a certified relaxation instructor and therapist, so i knew what i was doing) but he refuses to do it. I think it's self-care as he's problably traumatized and relaxation can cause retraumatization as a result of "letting go" and thus a feeling of losing control. So meditation is nothing i would want to do with Ss.

He really loves positive stories, though. Reading, not so much but he enjoys being read to. Are there any books you could recommend? Eastern philosophy sounds like something he could get to like and relate to. It actually has never come to my mind. Thank you