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Author Topic: sorry, just have to post again..help  (Read 354 times)
foggydew
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« on: July 27, 2016, 04:01:17 PM »

Just been chatting on social media to uBPD friend... and on the phone. I just don't really know how to react. He dressed up in a long black robe and skullcap and went shopping in the local supermarket - to enjoy the reactions. As the situation in Europe is a little tense after the recent terrorist acts, and this area does not see many apparently different people, I question this. He has also informed me he is coming here this weekend and bringing a new friend, who may well be involved with an illegal extreme political group (he is often in conflict with the police) and who I have said I dislike. He wants this friend to move into a flat here, which will be a problem for everyone. His friend and the neighbours. I don't trust this person and I don't want him in my place when I am not here.
UBPD friend seems to be trying to provoke and distress everywhere. It's not aimed at me, but I just don't know what to do. Or what it is.
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Meili
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2016, 07:48:36 PM »

If I may ask, if you're uncomfortable, why allow the friend to come? Would this not be a good place to establish and enforce a boundary?

I don't know your history, so please forgive me if you have already explained why.
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ArleighBurke
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Relationship status: was married - 15 yrs
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« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2016, 07:56:18 PM »

That sounds distressing for you. And a bit stupid for your friend. Good thing it's not america - he might get "accidentally shot" by police!

It sounds like he likes to shock people - perhaps to get attention - perhaps to "feed" off their emotion. Who knows. Unfortunately we have to let them live their lives. You are most welcome to tell them your thoughts and how you feel, but they need to make their own choices. If you you tell him, frame it to be about YOU - "Given all the terror attacks *I* worry that you may come into harm if you dress that way". You are not saying he's wrong - just that you worry about him. But he will make his own choices.

For his visitor - are you saying that you have invited your friend to YOUR home, and he wants to bring a guest? I'm presuming that he doesn't live with you. If so - it is YOUR home so YOU can make the rules. (You can't stop the friend from moving into another flat near you). Tell him "I don't want anyone in my home when I'm not here.". If he won't respect that - then take away his key. Be clear about what you want - and enforce it. He may argue, complain, yell - but you don't need to justify any further. Say "That's my rule" or "I've already told you why" and end the conversation.
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foggydew
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2016, 08:51:44 PM »

Thanks a lot for replying, Meili and ArleighBurke.
I've already suggested he may get himself shot - he wasn't impressed. I didn't express horror or anything, just kept it low key so he didn't get a buzz from annoying me. Dressing like that is ok... but going out into a supermarket is provocative. We bought the things together on a holiday. I think you are right, he feeds on the attention. So ignoring it and making it no big deal should be ok.
 No, I didn't invite him ... actually, I partly share his flat where he is now (and pay for the sharing).  We both have flats in the same house here, and have keys for each other's flats. He has moved 300 miles away and his flat here is just about bare, with one bed, so I presume his friend will have to sleep there because I don't want him here. He wants his friend to rent his flat. He gets some kind of satisfaction out of making things difficult - with the friend's political attitude, he will not be welcome here. And that is what he intends - he has often said so, but I just ignored it as an empty threat.  As for saying I don't want friend in my home, he might agree to that, but given his impulsiveness may well not be able to keep it. You can't be sure.
Ok. Thanks for helping me work through this. Modus operandi... .I will be friendly and hospitable. To friend as well. One shouldn't exclude anyone, all are human and have needs. I don't have to like him. But I will be here...
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